Published December 31, 2007
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140,912 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
Thanks, BBB!
I'll go fix those things right away!
... and posting more on 'Need a crit?' won't be any trouble! xD
Cheers,
Camille
XD Priceless.
Anywho, *sorry if I repeat anything that the other's have said. I haven't read theirs because I have to go soon*
All of a sudden? Ugh! Get rid of that and insert "Suddenly," and I also think that once; should be 'once:" because it is a list next. Get me?
I think that 'thick' should be 'thickened'. It sounds cooler.
Not sure what you are talking about. If 'It' is indeed something, this would work, but I'm not so sure. So I would change it to "It even smells like a storm."
I would cut this line out. Obviously, we know that the storm is over.
Awesome. I loved the last sentence.
This was really good. You've really captured the essance of a storm. I felt like I was there. I could feel the rain!
Yay! That was really good! I look forward to reading more of your stuff! Keep posting on "need a Crit?"
BBB
This is a great start! However, I feel that there are some things which, if corrected, would help enormously.
Firstly, try to cut out all your adjectives. Only use the occasional one where you feel placing it there would really liven up the piece. For instance, in "a heady cocktail of scents" and "ancient wood groans and splits," the adjectives don't add anything to the atmosphere and the context of the story.
You could also do away with the passive construction. Active verbs show; passive verbs tell. Authors should show as much of a story as possible instead of telling it. Take the sentence "the forest is being pillaged by the elements." Now turn it around: "meanwhile, the elements continue to pillage the forest." See how that's so much more direct?
It's a very poetic piece that just needs some polishing and refinement. Good work!
Thanks for sticking up for me, Sureal.
And 4uiwouldie, 'ashen clouds hang pregnant with rain' is a metaphor/figure of speech.
You're 17 and you don't understand the concept of a figure of speech (metaphors, personification, simileis, etc)? How did you pass your English tests?
Ok then I didnt lyk it bcause it didnt make sense: Ashen clouds hang pregnant with rain. How can clouds be pregnant?!! It just doesnt make sense!
Ummm...
Well, I can see that you are new to YWS. And I hate to break it to you, but 'omg ur lyk not a vry good writer' is far from a helpful review.
You could at the very least tell me why you didn't like it - and I didn't reply before now because I was eating dinner. If my username doesn't show up on the 'online' list, it means I'm not online. ^_~
why arent u replying? u should when some1 comments on ur writing!!!
omg u r lyk not a vry gud writer.
Thank-you so much!
I'll definitely fix those things - I've decided to edit this piece to perfection. Or as close as I can get to perfection, anyways.
Now I'm going to go finish reviewing your Zephyros pieces! *evil laughter*
- Camille
Man, Camille! I'm so proud to have inspired this!
The flow is beautiful... for any other piece I might have said you should make it a bit smoother, but I think the unevenness of it reflects the storm perfectly (see Nate's comment on mine)... Yeah--beautiful.
Onto the brutally nit-picky line-by-line *rubs hands together energetically, grinning maniacally*:
Two things. 1) I think this sentence should be combined with the previous one. 2) 'All of a sudden' ruins the effect of the rest of your gorgeous writing. I think it would be better if you deleted it.
'Of the storm' isn't needed. You can actually just end with 'fury' and I think it will be better.
I think you should just say 'web' rather than 'spider-web.'
This feels a little... odd. It's kind of telly father than showy. It seems to me like it was added afterwards when you realized that you should incorporate smell. The first sentence kind of made me grimace, it's so telly. Try to incorporate the sense of smell into the rest of the piece as well.
You should elaborate, I think-- it's just a little... abrupt? Yeah, abrupt is the word.
First sentence: I don't like 'the biggest crack of thunder yet' I'm not sure how you should fix it, but you definitely should.
Second sentence: Just beautiful... the word choice is exquisite and amazingly effective... HOWEVER! 'grey' should be 'gray'
I think it would be far more elegant if you just said 'Rain ceases.'
I'm not 100% sure, but I think you said 'peat' before...
'And it is strange' needs to go.
'bent under the bent'? I think there's a mistake there.
This is COMPLETELY a matter of opinion, but I think it sounds better as 'a brave bird...' read it out loud and see what you think.
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VERY nice, my friend! It makes me want to go and rewrite mine.
Hope this helps!
~Azila~
Thanks Alainna!
Yeah, I think I'll scrap that first paragraph, or at least re-write it. And I'll fix those phrases too. ^_^
Cheers,
Camille
This was very poetic and you capture the feel of a storm very well.
This is your weakest part. It's not very attention grabbing and to be honest I think you could cut this out completely. Instead, perhaps, just try 'Silence' on it's own.
I see what you mean here, but it's just an odd sentence. Try re-phrasing?
This sentence and the one before it are beautiful. However, scrap 'tree-blood'. It's not needed, the sentences are great without it and the imagery is still there.
As for your worry over the flow between the paragraphs, I didn't even notice a problem. The piece was so good that you don't notice a transition.
Keep it up,
Alainna
xx