Thanks, BBB!
I'll go fix those things right away!
... and posting more on 'Need a crit?' won't be any trouble! xD
Cheers,
Camille
z
Thanks, BBB!
I'll go fix those things right away!
... and posting more on 'Need a crit?' won't be any trouble! xD
Cheers,
Camille
omg u r lyk not a vry gud writer.
All of a sudden, several things happen at once;
flares, [delete comma] and the heavens throw down spears of rain.
The air is thick with leaves, torn from their branches in the fury.
It even smells storm.
The storm is over.
This is a great start! However, I feel that there are some things which, if corrected, would help enormously.
Firstly, try to cut out all your adjectives. Only use the occasional one where you feel placing it there would really liven up the piece. For instance, in "a heady cocktail of scents" and "ancient wood groans and splits," the adjectives don't add anything to the atmosphere and the context of the story.
You could also do away with the passive construction. Active verbs show; passive verbs tell. Authors should show as much of a story as possible instead of telling it. Take the sentence "the forest is being pillaged by the elements." Now turn it around: "meanwhile, the elements continue to pillage the forest." See how that's so much more direct?
It's a very poetic piece that just needs some polishing and refinement. Good work!
Thanks for sticking up for me, Sureal.
And 4uiwouldie, 'ashen clouds hang pregnant with rain' is a metaphor/figure of speech.
You're 17 and you don't understand the concept of a figure of speech (metaphors, personification, simileis, etc)? How did you pass your English tests?
Ok then I didnt lyk it bcause it didnt make sense: Ashen clouds hang pregnant with rain. How can clouds be pregnant?!! It just doesnt make sense!
Ummm...
Well, I can see that you are new to YWS. And I hate to break it to you, but 'omg ur lyk not a vry good writer' is far from a helpful review.
You could at the very least tell me why you didn't like it - and I didn't reply before now because I was eating dinner. If my username doesn't show up on the 'online' list, it means I'm not online. ^_~
Thank-you so much!
I'll definitely fix those things - I've decided to edit this piece to perfection. Or as close as I can get to perfection, anyways.
Now I'm going to go finish reviewing your Zephyros pieces! *evil laughter*
- Camille
Man, Camille! I'm so proud to have inspired this!
The flow is beautiful... for any other piece I might have said you should make it a bit smoother, but I think the unevenness of it reflects the storm perfectly (see Nate's comment on mine)... Yeah--beautiful.
Onto the brutally nit-picky line-by-line *rubs hands together energetically, grinning maniacally*:
Ayra wrote:All of a sudden, several things happen at once; thunder bursts over the sky with a welter of sound, light flares, and the heavens throw down spears of rain.
Ayra wrote:The air is thick with leaves, torn from their branches in the fury of the storm.
Ayra wrote:More lightning stabs towards the earth in an erratic spider-web of blue-white cracks.
Ayra wrote:It even smells storm. Breathe deeply, and there is a heady cocktail of scents; the bitter tang of smoke, the cold rain-smell, the biting fury of the wind: brisk and metal-clean.
Ayra wrote:Streams are swollen to the brim.
Ayra wrote:The biggest crack of thunder yet shakes the roots of the earth, sending jarring shock-waves through the field. Lightning shatters the sky into a myriad of grey-black fragments, fused together by white-hot lines.
Ayra wrote:Rain ceases to fall; trees sway to a halt; wind subsides to a soundless whisper.
Ayra wrote:The boughs of shattered trees drip with rain; bleeding onto the peaty earth.
Ayra wrote:And it is strange; while the woods are a wreckage, not a single stalk of wheat has been snapped.
Ayra wrote:Or perhaps the wheat, fragile as it is, is unarmed because it bent under the bent instead of fighting it...
Ayra wrote:And from somewhere within the wounded forest, one brave bird begins to sing.
Thanks Alainna!
Yeah, I think I'll scrap that first paragraph, or at least re-write it. And I'll fix those phrases too. ^_^
Cheers,
Camille
This was very poetic and you capture the feel of a storm very well.
Lightning cleaves the sky in two -
And suddenly the world is a violent chaos of lashing branches and then -
Silence.
Even the smells storm.
bleeding tree-blood onto the peaty earth.
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