Published July 7, 2008
And then I slow down
Remember to breathe when you're not around
Remember to stay on course with solid ground
To stay in the light so I can be found
I've lost so much
Through what I thought I regained
All the possessions and wherabouts
of Places with no name
All the Tigers I refused to tame
And in a moment of open eyes
I see something new
The way night dies
Under you
under you I'm warm
Under you I'm seen only infrared
under you my hearts a swarm
Under you I hear everything being said
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141,443 Literary Works • 674,455 Reviews
I really enjoyed the use of imagery in this piece.
I like the way you almost use the words in a way which gives it such a song like quality.
The empathy use also gives a brief tone of itself throughout.
But I have to say you need that little bit more use of punctuation to give it that little boost.
Other than that I enjoyed immensely.
Hey there, before I get into praising your poem I will first highlight a few things that snagged me:
1.)under you my heart's a swarm -> apostrophes help us to verify ownership
2.)
I've lost so much
Through what I thought I regained
All the possessions and wherabouts
of Places with no name
All the Tigers I refused to tame
I was wondering if you ever thought of starting that as a new stanza, it helps to maintain the four-line-stanza rhythm
3.).... truly an excellent poem, very earthy rhyming absolutely nothing is forced or jars against anything else. Truly reflects the mood of the poet.
GL and congratulations on a phenominal piece.
This is like a song, I think. Very well contained and vivid.
I like how the first line starts with "And", hinting at what happened before (a constrast to the slowness).
Wow your rhyming is great. Nothing tacky or forced here. I love "of places with no name, all the tigers I regused to tame", that's just lovely.
The only problem I could see was:
"under you my hearts a swarm" -> you missed the apostrophe. heart's.