Published July 7, 2008
I'm not sorry
I can't stand by and listen to that gun ring
That explosion in my head
Came from my hand
This is not a song I ever wish to sing
I'm in some sort of Fuck up land
Where atomic bombs are beautiful
And hydrogen bombs are closer than they appear
I hear some child whispering
Heroin is good for the heart
Just don't do it here
I was born free
No matter my land
and despite what they say
Freedom does come just that
FREE
What I've learned here is not true
The customer may always be right, but the consumer is the one to blame
Quit saying the ones in power are FUCKING everything up
you might be offending yourself...............Remember "We The People,"
despite the Declaration was written on hemp and Mr. Jefferson had more than one slave.
I think I may be the antichrist by religious standards
I scare the jevoiah witness but the mormon wants to stay
I just don't feel that way
My God understands me
Hitler will be in Heaven
My God is All Understanding
If not, He/she/it is no God of mine
Want a new theory?
We become what we're not
Want a New Perspective?
War controls the population
---maybe we should have bigger wars because world population has doubled since JFK.
Religion=Faith=Love=blindness
RELIGION GETS IN THE WAY OF GOD
dead organisms from millions of years ago fuel everything we do and everywhere we go.
9mm are legal. so are 357 Mags.
Because we hunt deer with handguns.
We need to build up arms to protect us from ourselves.
If we never realize that we are doomed together, we are already there
INDEPENDENCE IS NOTHING, we depend on everyone and everything.
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141,423 Literary Works • 674,400 Reviews
i don't agree with the overall message of the piece, but the way in which it says is strong and also the punctuation and stanza seem to further accentuate the meaning.
Alright, I'm going to shoot right from the hip.
This needs quite a lot of work. Firstly, you seem at times to grasp your own thoughts and it begins to take the poem somewhere good, but then you make juvenile mistakes which basically kills the whole thing. Your concepts are jumbled, and every now and then you're blandly 'telling' us rather than showing.
The main problem is that it seems out of your control, and not even in a good way. No one is above punctuation, even Wilde and Frost followed by it. Putting your poem into a set structure isn't going to kill the theme or anything. It didn't read well aloud. So it didn't stick in my head very well. Did you plan this out?
Firstly, I would suggest re-working the first stanza. The first stanza is there for a reason, it should grip the reader and haul them in whether they like it or not, and this just didn't do it. To be honest I took one look at the lack of capitalization, flow and punctuation, and sighed.
My re-work:
I'm not sorry,
I can't stand by and listen to that gun ring.
That explosion in my head,
Came from my hand.
This is not a song I ever wish to sing (I would cut this, it's rather self indulgent and over-used. The detached tone doesn't flow with this, if you never wished to sing this song then would you not, logically, be sorry? Confusing. Not needed.)
I understand that your theme is somewhere in the realms of conveying the speaker's disgust and anger and the 'brave new world' in which we live, but man, you could be more discrete about it. Actually stating 'Hitler' was telling. What do we see when someone says the word 'Hitler'? For me, it's a small man piercing the sky with a sharp salute. Even saying 'The Fuhrer' would have been more powerful. Don't underestimate the reader's intelligence. Stretch us. Push your own boundaries. Show more.
Still on this line of thought, your over-use and liberties with unusual punctuation was good to begin with, but became tiresome after a while. Less is more, in my opinion. I didn't feel strongly either way about the facts, they didn't shock me anyhow.
The end line is a step in the right direction. I hope you don't think I'm being overly harsh, because I think you deserve respect and not a 'wow, this was totally awesome!' review, as it never helps anybody. This isn't a personal attack on you, anyway. I think this would be great with some revision. Hope this helps, and you know- PM me with any questions.
And welcome to YWS!
Eimear
Hey Wojovox, I've been seeing you around here a lot and you critique wholly and you pretty don't care about being nice....you tell the truth so I'm going to do the same here. I like this piece, the message it carries is real but then at the end it sorta loses its power...like a tank without a man controlling it. Sure the words should speak for themselves but then where does that leave you? Mainly it was this stanza if you can call it that
I feel that it has meaning but its really not yours. These are basically just facts and in a poem where its you all the way...with emotion and raw brilliance...it doesn't fit. Really you should work on separating you from what the world already knows. Understand?
I do however love the ending sentence.
All in all, I don't think when I'm critiquing your stuff I won't be harsh because all writing is good when it carries a message from somebody. But I will tell you what I don't like about something and I'll give you a reason. I only have one suggestion for you and that is Don't let the words become you, instead you be the words. If that doesn't make sense, oh well because half the stuff I say won't make sense but they do have meaning. Thanks for the read, I'll look forward to reading more of your writing,
Keep writing,
Angel
Thanks for the comments, You all make me feel welcome to this site.
But I think you can be a little more critical, I'm not going to cry when someone says my writing sucks here or there. You should read some of the critiques I've been leaving for others. I feel like an a**hole (please keep swearing in literary works only! love, the mods), but I know in the end honesty will always create a greater good.
andimlovegalore- you understand my capitalization. I just like certain words to be capitalized because they seem to be more significant within the line.
Kris-I've read your work and you are an amazing writing and always keen with grammatical structure. But I'm like a txt whore. If I have the option to write U instead of You, I'll take it. I'm a cheat and if I took the time I could make it grammatically coherent, but I'm more about the message.............and I do like ryhmes, makes the reader read it easier. But thanks for criticism and say what ever you wish, respect everything you say and I understand it's all constructive........just next time, be more harsh.
livinginfantasy---I don't know how you took my caps lock line, but I don't scream those lines, I just want the line to stick out when you see it on your computer screen. It's kinda like I'm saying it a little more firm.
Thanks again to all. This is my most popular thread so far, my others in lyric poetry havn't even been viewed. So thanks for your time. But, Remember, be like Simon Cowell on American Idol. A statue only reaches perfection after it's been chisled of all it's excess stone.---wow, that line sounded cheesy.
VERY POWERFUL!
That was beautiful, my friend.
Your voice is amazing... I can hear your growl!
My opinions are in bold:
I've just become a fan of yours.
You write very interesting poetry. There are some wonderful, deep view in here that I probably agree with. Especially the all understanding God. You articulate it all very well.
I see you always do the thing with the capitals, so it's obviously a stylistic thing. I won't go through and try and fix it then ^_~ I kind of like the way it is any way.
Yeah, I really like this poem. Very meaningful and honest. I honestly don't have anything that I think you should change. I know if I wrote it, this poem would be more condenced, more punctuated, but that's me and not you. And I like it how it is better.
LOVED LOVED LOVED! this stanza, the juxtaposition of the banal with the sublime is sooo clever ^^
You see, I have written several poems about this kind of thought. So i am going to be bias
OMG! i basically fainted when i read this stanza - you seem to completely on the money with my line of thinking. While managing to deliver it so well.
Overall i really liked this poem. Largely for it's content. This poem really spoke to me in a way few poems do, so kudos on that. However, i feel that you need to think about your use of literary devices perhaps, & maybe punctuating your work...I don't care about rhymes (even though they are nice) but maybe some revised structure would do the world of good.
Alas i digress - please do not be offended by my critique. I mean it in the most caring way possible, because i really do think that this can be a solid poem.
Very well done
Love
Kris
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