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Siren Song

by WishIHadASword

(okay, so this is the start of a story I started writing like 2 years ago, so don't judge haha).

Foam-capped waves crept up the golden beach, and the sound of the ocean eased the minds of all the tourists packing up their beach umbrellas and sandy towels to head home for the night. It was peaceful—and seemingly the perfect place for a nice relaxing vacation.

But if someone . . . a more observant person, in particular . . . were to look towards the horizon where the sea touches the sky, they might find that something unusual was brewing beneath the surface of the calm.

Miles beneath the Pacific ocean, something was stirring. Or rather, many things.

They had been feared by the ancestors of the past. Forgotten by the people of the present. But surely, their kind would be unearthed by the generations of the future.

Suddenly a sharp, sucking sound came from far out into the sea. Strangely though, the deafening sound didn’t seem to reach the ears of the last straggling beachgoers. The water spiraled and shot downwards, making a freak whirlpool that all but touched the ocean floor.

Thousands of glowing eyes blinked open at once, staring at the strange movements of the water. It intrigued them. One by one the creatures formed a ring around the whirlpool and started chanting an ancient spell. Only moments later, a fissure started to form on the seafloor.

The ocean was awake. 

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5 Reviews

Points: 75
Reviews: 5

Mon Apr 12, 2021 11:29 am
PaigeFantasy says...

hi, Imma just say that...this story is interesting! but, like another reader, it is too short.
besides that, I think this story is interesting. although you said you wrote this like two years ago, I like your writing style!
hope you have a good day. :)

Thank you! I hope you have a good day as well!

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38 Reviews

Points: 811
Reviews: 38

Tue Apr 06, 2021 8:49 am
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NivedaJames22 wrote a review...


I loved the opening paragraph. I really liked how you start with a beautiful seashore and finish up with a line that somehow conveys that danger lurks in the corner.

I really liked how you transition from a seemingly calm beach to a strange (maybe seismic?) event.

This line sounds really nice:

The water spiraled and shot downwards, making a freak whirlpool that all but touched the ocean floor.

On the whole, I'm intrigued by the plot that you have laid down. I can't wait to read the rest.

Keep writing.

Thank you so much! I tried my best (:

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35 Reviews

Points: 3161
Reviews: 35

Tue Apr 06, 2021 8:21 am
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IsProcrastinator wrote a review...

Hello, IsProcrastinator here for the review!

The opening paragraph establishes a vivid picture of the seaside, which pulled me right in. The descriptions portray a pleasant scene, but at the same time there is a foreboding sense of something scary is about to happen as soon as we move on to the next paragraph.

Miles beneath the Pacific ocean, something was stirring. Or rather, many things.

Ok, now I'm positively intrigued. What is happening down at the bottom of the ocean? The picture of thousands of glowing eyes in the water is terrifying though (I mean in a good way) ...deep seas are already pretty scary as is. You did a great job unfolding the suspense, bit by bit, rather than jumping right in. All in all, this was a captivating first chapter, and you keep the intrigue in the reader by leaving some questions unanswered. The last line sounds amazing!! My only complaint is that this is a bit too short.

So overall, I really liked it. I like the descriptions and how you establish your settings in a brief and concise way. Hoping to get to know more about the owners of those glowing eyes :)

Happy writing!

I'm so glad you like it, thank you for the wonderful review! If I do get a bit more inspiration, I will definitely make it longer!

Live your life how you want, but don't confuse drama with happiness.
— Ron, Parks & Rec