(WARNING: This is the crappiest poem known to mankind because I don't writing poetry often, I'm just plain AWFUL at it, I wrote this a while ago, and it's not really meant to be good. I appreciate suggestions, try to ignore the awfulness!)
She lived in a world
So broken and stripped,
No food to be chewed
No water to be sipped
He lived in a house
So golden and grand
Where there was never a shortage
Of blueberry jam
She found a berry bush
Strange, blue-colored fruit
She told all her friends
And together they'd loot
They'd pick what they could
Leave the rest for the rich
For they knew stealing
Would get their backs whipped
The rich boy didn't notice
His bushes were bare
Not until morning
When he was made aware
What made him aware
Was lack of blueberry jam
No sugar to cover
The toast in his hands
The boy caught the girl
He cried, "You're so unfair!"
Yet as he scolded her
She did nothing but stare
"I'm the unfair one?"
She tried not to be rude.
"The people in the village
don't even have food!"
He faltered a moment
and tried not to care
but there were rips in her clothes
and dirt in her hair
"No food in the village?"
he whispered in stun
"And that's why my berries
are suddenly gone?"
She nodded in shame
He let go of her wrist
Then she reached on her tiptoes
And gave him a kiss
"Thank you, sweet boy,"
she called as she ran
"Service truly does change
a boy to a man"
From then on the rich boy
sold all of his jam
and turned the poor village
to a wonderful land
And that shows us, dear readers,
He just needed a push
To create a story of giving
And a Blueberry bush
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Hey, don't degrade yourself so much. If you feel so insecure about your poems, that's probably because you don't write often. Keep writing, and you'll feel a lot more confident.
This poem is great! The rhymes are very subtle, which only adds to the theme. I like the flow, and the whole theme. The way you express things is amazing!
Just work on your vocabulary and confidence, and you'll be a great poet!
It has a nice, subtle beat to it! Not bad at all for apparently the CRAPPIEST poem...better than what I can write haha. Don't talk yourself down, I love your style and simple structure!
Great effort and result
Love Rubes x
Thank you, you're so sweet!!
Learn to take pride in your work, you're no Cohen or Hemingway but what you write is yours and deserves to be loved. This was a good poem. What got my attention especially was the smooth flow of it. From one verse to the other the poem just glides. I loved that. The story wasn't very compelling or personal, but it had a nice twist to it and had a good point. I'd say, keep your writing style but make the stories you tell more personal and you will have something really great.
Thank you so much, I'll definitely think about that!
Hey there
You are way too modest, that's one of the sweetest poems I've ever read !
I loved the flow of this poem, the sentences are short and to the point, there are rhymes almost at every line and these rhymes show up at a very regular pace, and while the message of the poem is not exactly groundbreaking, it's still delivered in an original way, and is a sweet message that never grows old, really.
I really liked this line, everything is just so perfect, it feels like I'm being delivered this message in a neatly tied present.
The flow is wonderful, if this is really your first try at poetry, this is impressive! I saw no particular errors, apart for a small shift in the flow at one point,
the "gone" was out of place in an otherwise perfect rhyming scheme. There's not much rhymes with "shock" and "gone", but maybe "stun"?
So
"He whispered in stun
'And that's why my berries
are suddenly gone ?"
It's not a perfect rhyme either, but it flows better.
Hope to read more from you, you truly have a talent at writing <33
Thank you so much for the suggestions, I'll definitely use that!
Hey!
Your author's note is waaaay too modest! This poem was awesome! There is no awfulness at all!
I really liked how you passed on a sweet message through your poem. The title was also really suitable for the poem.
There is a nice flow, as well as a lesson. It sounds wonderful.
I really liked this line:
On the whole, it was a great poem, with no errors at all, that leaves us with a touching thought. Like the boy in the poem, the readers are also given a little push towards kindness.
Great going!
Can't wait to read more of your work.
Keep writing.
Thank you so much!