Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Action / Adventure

12+ Violence

Flidera Market

by Winged067


   Everyone in the Flidera market came only to the planet for one thing: trade. Whether it be food, drink, clothing, or even slaves. Mostly, it was slaves, picked from different planets that we found, galaxies that were never supposed to be found. People find them for the only purpose of money, possibly to feed themselves at night or to get clothing. And most of all, there was so many voices here, each saying different things in different languages. It’s hard to understand some, but if you were a fluent speaker like me, you’d fine it easy to eavesdrop (either accidentally or on purpose). And that’s where you figure out how to get the best slaves, whether it be some sort of Jansock, or Siren. That’s why I’m standing against a wall in the black market, waiting to find the guy I hired to bring me back two slaves at a high price.

  I wait quietly, a hood over my head as I waited for my client. All around me where cages, and wailing creatures of all kinds. I saw a five-legged gray Jansock being pulled by the black metal chains of an owner, an Inoqurée, which is the same species as my client. Inoqurée are especially good at hunting, and that’s why I hired one - to get me what I wanted. And I get everything that I want.

  I cracked my neck, my gills trying to breathe. People say I look like the new species we found in the Milky Way galaxy, which was right next to our galaxy, andromeda. That’s what we’re named. We are then neighbors with Cassiopeia, who are neighbors with Orion, and so on and so forth. Even though we have only recently found out about the Milky Way, we realize that there is life forms there, unlike a galaxy that seems universe’s away.

  Snapping out of my trance, I look up, trying to find the blue Inoqurée, and I start to push through the crowd, getting tired of waiting for it. I then bump into a monster, like any other. I bring my head up to snarl at whatever just bumped into me, but found out it was my client.

  “Watch where you’re goin’!” It snapped at me in it’s own language, and I scowled. I heard a small ‘oof’ sound behind it, like someone ran into it.

  “It took you long enough to get here. I was tired of waiting.” I said, speaking into that same tongue of its. You wasted my time, I wanted to say, but knew that I shouldn’t tick him off more than I already have.

  “Oh, so you’re the client.” Its nose wrinkled up in distaste, its all black eyes with white pupils gave me a lookover, before it let out a grunt of approval. “Where’s the minc?” I pulled out a velvet pouch full of one-hundred minc’s. I handed it to the creature, watching it intently. It gave it a little bounce, testing the weight of it, before growling at me.

   “More.” It rumbled,

  “What? Isn’t that enough?” I say, shocked by what he said. One hundred mincs, especially one hundred gold mincs was enough to pay for dinner for a week.

  “Five hundred.” It continued, as if it didn’t heard me at all.

  “Two hundred.” I bet, narrowing my eyes.

  “Four hundred.”

  “Three hundred.”

  “Four hundred..” it said again, and I fumed.

  “Three hundred or nothing.” I tried to compromise. He placed a hand around my throat, pushing me backwards, as I stumbled. His claws were digging into my gills, and I struggled for air.

  “Three hundred fifty.” It said.

  “Thr-Three hundred twenty five..” I choked out, clawing at his hand, trying to make it let go of me. It let go, and placed a palm flat out, expecting the rest of the minc’s I was about to give it. I held searched through this brown bag for two more velvet bags, and placed them in its palm, hoping that that would be enough. It tested them, and let out a hum of satisfaction. It roughly yanked the chain in his hand forward, and I was met face to face with a martian and a human, or so what their species is called. The human was trembling in fear, her hair greasy and down, her amber eyes like the ritual fires on Eleka. I supposed that they would be prettier if she was calmer. Her skin was copper, so deep and rich, and she had low cheekbones. She was truly beautiful, unlike anything I have ever seen.

  I turned to the martian beside her, his blue hair curling over his forehead, and brown eyes staring at me blankly. His skin was paler than any sort of snow I’ve seen, whether through the holograms on Earth or the snow planet, Eirwen.

  “Hello.” I greeted, dipping my head before I grabbed the chain. I started dragging them along, occasionally looking back to see if the martian was doing something suspicious. I didn’t think that the human would do anything; after all, she was skinny and weak-looking. From my knowledge on martian’s, they are smarter than humans, stronger, faster, and simply just better.

  “Where are you taking us-?” A whimper came from the girl. “Why am I here? Who are you?” I stopped in my tracks, figuring out some of the broken language of something that wasn’t my own. I could hear the faint sign of something in her voice: distress.

  “Eleka. And you’re here because you just got sold.” I glare at her, giving her chain a tug, and she stumbled, almost falling face-flat on the ground. “You are now under my orders, and you’ll be under my wing for a while, until you get traded again. And again, and again. Because you human, you are pathetically weak.” I grabbed her by the bicep, pulling her closer. “And we will sell you again and again for minc. Or money, in your language.” I said fluently, my accent coating my words like sugar on rhinosome sticks.

  “Now, but you…” I say, glancing at the martian who flinched back harshly. “You are definitely useful. I’ll have use of you.” I finally realized that I was holding onto the girl’s upper arm too long, so I let go. Purple and blue dots started to sprout on her skin barely visible to her dark skin tone, and she rubbed her arm, looking like she was near tears but started to mumble out curses in her language under her breath.

  “Let’s go.” I command, dragging them along. I just hoped that I would be able to get back to the palace without father noticing. But when I noticed my Eleka symbol on a nearby person, with shining fish like armor, I knew I was screwed. Then I noticed more, scouring the streets in search of a princess, soon-to-be queen.

  “Do you have a weapon on you?” the martian asked me quietly, probably noticing how tense I grew as we trudged on.

  “Yes. Do you know how to fly a spaceship?” I asked back, knowing that this wasn’t the time to scold him for stepping out of line.

  “Depends. I know how to fly the thing that brought me here spaceship.” I let out a small groan, knowing that this wasn’t going to be easy. The second I let go of these chains, the human is going to start running, and so will the martian. I can’t stop them at least not easily.

  “Pardon the intrusion, but have you seen the princess of Eleka anywhere?” A guard stepped out in front of me, his webbed hand, similar to mine, stopping me. A long axe hung at his side, the thing extended to around three to four feet, considering that we are about eight feet tall. Well, I am. But this guard is definitely taller. He had silver, fish like scales as his armor and armor around his neck, protecting his gills, his breathing source. I have seen this armor too many times, have even worn it before, to know that these guys were apart of the Elite. He seemed to be on of the stronger, heavy fighters, or otherwise known as the Executioner on the team. He usually doesn’t go on missions, so it’s weird to see him here, right in front of me.

  “No.” I say, trying to deepen my voice a bit, so it doesn’t sound like my regular one. I also spoke in a different language, the Inoqurée one, seeing if he would be able to translate it. He wasn’t. He only sees Inoqurée’s as somewhat like Bloodwolves, mutant wolves that we took from Earth and created into our own weapon.

  “Can you speak Elekan?” The Executioner asked, his face twisted into a glare as he realized he was talking to someone who spoke Inoqurée.

  “I have not seen the princess,” I spoke in my native tongue, and then turned on my foot, deciding it’s best if I walk away. I heard the Executioner let out a muffled groan of exasperation behind me, and I dragged my slaves along, hearing the girl trip over her feet and the martian having to wrap an arm around her waist awkwardly to keep her from falling.

  “You’re the princess aren’t you?” I pivot on my heel and with a rush, I lunge forward and slam my hand against his mouth, and he falls from the amount of force, dragging the girl with him. They hit the dirt, and some eyes turn to stare at me, and I let out a little uneasy smile, hiding my nerves, before facing the martian again.

  “If my people know that I’m here, then this will be the end of it. They will be able to have a reason to sacrifice me to our god. So while we are still on here, you will do one thing. Shut up. Don’t talk, and only move on command.” I said, my voice holding more authority than I have ever thought I could hold. “Because if they find out, we all die.” And with that, I wrapped my webbed hand around his pale as snow wrist, pulling him up, and then reaching down to pull up the copper toned girl.

  “Let’s go.”

  They started to walk silently behind me, careful not to trip, and trying to avoid all of the Elekan guards that were scouring the cities. I was in front of them, my hand firmly wrapped around the chains, and pulling them along carefully.

  When we finally came to the port, I stopped, seeing that Elekan were checking creatures before having them be escorted on their own ship. Was finding me seriously that important? What did they need me for, and who gave me away? 

  “Hey,” I said abruptly, turning to face the martian, “I know you said that it depends if you can fly a spaceship or not, but I really need to know yes or no.” I adjusted the hood that sat covering my face.

  “Well, I haven’t seen the controls so I wouldn’t know.” The martian said, shrugging like he was bored.

  “Do you think you could?” I ask, becoming more frustrated with his actions.

  “...Perhaps.”

  “I’m going to take that as a yes. Okay, now here’s the plan. Since you are more useful than this one over here,” I side-glance the human, and she looks taken aback.

  “Hey! I can do things, but not in the way that you think about. I just want to go home, but you’re not letting me! I want to see my family, I need to see them!” She wailed, letting a sob take over her body. I stared at her, not knowing what to do, how to shut her up. Some guards were heading our way now, desperate to see what all of the commotion is. I shoved the chains into the martian’s hands, and he stared at me like I had two heads and he’s just been told that I wasn’t going to eat him.

  “You’re taking the chains, and I’ll clear a path for you. We’ll have to fight my way out I suppose.”

  “Give them to me, Okko!” The girl cried out, and I finally realized the martian’s name...Okko.

  “This is your one shot of getting back home. I suppose I should take you there, since we’re never going back to mine after this.” I said, seeing that the guards have started shouting in my direction. “For now, play it cool, and when I tell you to run, you will look for the ship with blue scales on it, with two wings on it. Okay?”

  “Not very descriptive but…I guess it will have to do.” He shrugged, and held out his hands, beckoning for me to unlock them. I stared at him wearily, and then realized that the guard was just a few minutes away from me now. I mumbled out a curse in our language under my breath, and then pulled out a melter, which is something that when you shine a light on the chains that you’re holding someone in, it will take it off for them by melting it. It was the only thing I had on me, since the Inoqurée never gave me the key. The chains pooled around his feet, and he looked up at mine, and a glimmer of hope sparking in his eye.

  “W-What about me?” The girl asked in a trembling voice, and I turned to see her whole entire body shaking. She took in deep breaths, as if trying to calm herself down. I was about to answer when a hand was placed down on my shoulder roughly.

  “Pardon, but do you know who owns the Elekan ship here?” He pointed in the direction of a beautiful blue scaly ship, with white wing-like structure. My ship. It was surrounded by Elekan soldiers, all present in their uniform that was similar to the Executioner, but some didn’t have any medals that could determine what rank they were in. The one who was talking to me I identified him as Admiral Mihal, who had a long, 4 foot sword at his waist. His armor was a light green, and a medal was placed boldly on his chest, saying who he was, and who you should be afraid of.

  “Doesn’t the princess own that ship?” No no no no no no no, why did I say that why did I say that. I chanted in my head, wondering why I shouldn’t have gone for the gut, and then broke out.

  “It does, and we’re trying to find her. May you please show us your identification?” It was not a simple question, it was definitely a demand. I turned around to face Okko and the girl. I realized that I didn’t know what her name was, and I don’t know why it bothered me. I let out a sigh, and realized that Okko was looking at me, and hasn’t run yet. His grip on the girl’s wrist was tight, but gentle enough so that it wouldn’t hurt. I take out a screen, something that is used for your identification as well as what people would call “keys” to a car or something like that.

  “Voice identification.” I heard the Elekan robotic lady say. I let out a sigh looked over at Okko and the girl. He held onto the girl’s wrist tightly, while she hardly fought back at all against his grip.

  “Princess of Eleka, Anahita.” All at once, swords were pulled out, weapons drawn. I tensed up, still not facing the Admiral.

  “Princess?” Okko whispered, staring up at me with his brown eyes staring up at me in wonder and amazement. I looked behind me quickly, and saw that Admiral Mihal was unsheathing his sword, the white, pure sword holding true to its beauty.

  “Identification received. Processing… Where would you like to go?” The voice said robotically, and I said in a rush,

  “Give to new.” I shouted, realizing that Mihal was about to take a swing. His pure sword glinted in the light, it’s shine making me slightly blinded, so I turned back to Okko, who was looking down at the identification in my hands.

  “Alright, who would you want to give your ship to?” Realizing that I was out of time, that the sword was swinging in the air towards my head, ready to chop it off in one clean cut, to end everything right here and now, I shoved my identity into the blue-haired martian’s hands. I pushed both of them back, and tripped myself, landing on the floor, the sword missing me by a few centimeters.

  I fell onto my back, and as soon as I landed I jumped back up, Mihal was coming for another swing.

  “Okko! Say “i’m the new” into the device, and it will automatically give you access into the ship!” I shouted, and on my back, I pulled out a metal pole thing, that was small at first but then extended into a bigger pole, around 3 feet and a half inches, and three sharp ends appeared in the front. It was a trident, given to each heir of the throne every time the queen has a baby.

  And when Mihal swings, my trident catches his sword in the air. The clanging sound let a rip of something that sounded like a cry of the wind, and when he moved, I moved. It seemed as if we were caught in a dance, as we danced with our weapons and able to spark together like the fire crackling as none of us got injured in any sort of way.

  “Where to now?” I heard Okko’s voice, shout over the clash and clang of our weapons.

  “The ship! I’ll be there in a second!” My voice seemed to carry itself in the wind, getting lost in the panicked screams and sounds of buildings falling down and it seemed as if the Flidera market finally was going down in history.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
109 Reviews


Points: 107
Reviews: 109

Donate
Wed Jan 30, 2019 10:08 pm
manilla wrote a review...



Hello, fren :)
You know that I should be doing work, but let's get right into the review! Since Etteim covered some of the nitpicky things, I won't be focusing on that.

People find them for the only purpose of money, possibly to feed themselves at night or to get clothing.


Because you mentioned slaves, it can be assumed that they were used to get a job done, but it's good that you included the second part of the sentence.

each saying different things in different languages. It’s hard to understand some, but if you were a fluent speaker like me, you’d fine it easy to eavesdrop


A fluent speaker, as in all of those different languages? This makes me wonder about the main character, who they are, and how they interact with this unique, vivid setting.

And I get everything that I want.


Spooky...Sets the tone well.

“More.” It rumbled,


Punctuation station - In this case, a comma would work instead of a period after "more", because a dialogue tag follows it right after. There are several instances of this, but a review could've helped.

You do a great job of worldbuilding! I agree with Etteim on this - You have all the cultural nuances that the reader may not fully understand woven into your piece, and it works extremely effectively. I wonder about the characteristics of each of the planets, and how the main character...Differs.

Another suggestion is to break this up into two parts, because this story is a little on the long side to fit into one chapter. Another is that the flow of events could be smoother and more logical. The reader doesn't always fully understand what's going on, because the setting changes quickly. You go from a market scene to an action scene by the end. I also feel the pacing could be slower (break separate works), but since this flash, don't worry about it.

You have interesting character dynamics you want to implement, different worlds, and clever ideas. You know how I review your writing, and you know what I say - It's a brilliant start. Keep on writing...This really could be extended. I and all the people who read this know that it's a promising work.

-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. That was not my intention.)




Winged067 says...


thank you friend. i never was able to finish it, so i hope that i will be able to soon.



Random avatar

Points: 739
Reviews: 14

Donate
Tue Jan 29, 2019 7:12 pm
Etteim wrote a review...



Hi, Winged067.

I usually don't read fantasy, but this story caught my interest. Despite having to establish an entirely different world, I think you did a good job in world-building for the short amount of time you had. You didn't bombard the reader with too much information, and instead introduced it when it was relevant.

One thing that confused me was when Okko was surprised at Anahita revealing herself as the princess. I thought he had figured it out earlier? I also do wish the story continued on for a little more to possibly expand on the world even more, but the cliffhanger ending wasn't at all terrible.

-

People find them for the only purpose of money, possibly to feed themselves at night or to get clothing.


The first half of this sentence was worded oddly. I think rearranging it like this: "People find them only for the purpose of money," would allow it to flow better.

I wait quietly, a hood over my head as I waited for my client.


The use of 'wait' twice in the same sentence comes off as redundant and repetitive. Replacing 'wait' with something like 'stood' would fix this issue.

All around me where cages, and wailing creatures of all kinds.


'Where' should be 'were', and the comma isn't needed due to there not being two independent clauses.

People say I look like the new species we found in the Milky Way galaxy, which was right next to our galaxy, andromeda.


I'm assuming this should begin with a capitalized letter since it's the name of a galaxy.

Even though we have only recently found out about the Milky Way, we realize that there is life forms there, unlike a galaxy that seems universe’s away.


The 'is' should be 'are' due to 'life forms' being plural. Also, 'universe's' doesn't need an apostrophe since it's not possessive of anything.

“Watch where you’re goin’!” It snapped at me in it’s own language, and I scowled.


'It' should begin with a lowercase letter due to it describing the way the client spoke. I saw this problem littered throughout the story, so reading over your story once more should solve it. And 'it's' should be 'its' since it is possessive.

I held searched through this brown bag for two more velvet bags, and placed them in its palm, hoping that that would be enough.


I'm guessing 'held' shouldn't be there.

“Depends. I know how to fly the thing that brought me here spaceship.”


This sentence doesn't make sense at the end. You probably forgot to add a comma and an 'a' after 'here'.

I can’t stop them at least not easily.


A comma should go between these two words.

The chains pooled around his feet, and he looked up at mine, and a glimmer of hope sparking in his eye.


This should be in past tense, since that's what you're writing in.

I realized that I didn’t know what her name was, and I don’t know why it bothered me.


Same issue.

I let out a sigh, and realized that Okko was looking at me, and hasn’t run yet.


A comma isn't needed here because there aren't two independent clauses.

I let out a sigh looked over at Okko and the girl.


'And' should go between these two words. You also used the phrase 'I let out a sigh' not too long ago, so substituting it with a different phrase, like 'A breath escaped my lips', or something similar to that would help with the repetition.

It seemed as if we were caught in a dance, as we danced with our weapons and able to spark together like the fire crackling as none of us got injured in any sort of way.


I really like the imagery you're trying to convey here, but it's structured awkwardly and doesn't flow.

Rewriting it to something like this: "It seemed as if we were caught in a dance. As we moved with our weapons, we were able to ignite a spark like the crackling of fire. None of us got injured as we twirled and pivoted away from connecting blows.", it would keep the imagery while rolling off the tongue better.

-

I'm sorry that this review was mostly grammar nitpicks, but I just wanted to help you in spotting and fixing these mistakes. This was really enjoyable to read, and I'd actually be interested in seeing a continuation. Nicely done!

-Etteim




Winged067 says...


I didn't have that much time to revise it, so that's probably why there was many grammar mistakes! Anyway, thank you for the feedback!


Random avatar
Etteim says...


Yeah, understandable. Still, sorry my review was so nitpicky, but you're welcome!



Winged067 says...


it's fine haha. thanks for pointing out my mistakes




“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken