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12+ Violence

Conquer

by Winged067


A/N: This is actually from a book I'm writing and I might actually put this in the book, if I can make it be like that. So sorry if this is a bit confusing! My friend told me to post something, so here it is... Also! There is some blood, and violence in here. So, disclaimer.

~~

The whir of the machine made my heart clench as my lungs screamed for oxygen. It seemed as if the whole world was underwater, but which way was up? Another scream came, and I don’t know if it came from me.

"I told you not to play with fire, dearest sister..."

Laughter echoed across the walls as white filtered into my vision, making me go blind. Another inhuman screech came from my mouth, and I felt numb to the core. Welcome to the madness, the voices whispered. Permanently you stay, permanently you belong.

"Nothing can save you now.

"You were always useless, right from the start."

Another laugh. Another scream. Whose even were they?

Dearest Kaelin…Ah, what a fool you are. The amount of ignorance you had was sheer surprise to other people, but not for me. Not for me.

A mild stinging sensation fell on my cheek, and I gasped at the sudden strike. I could barely make out the blurred figure in front of me, only making out its white blurry silhouette.

"If you think he will save you, you’re wrong. Your friends won’t even make it past the gate."

No! They are strong. They will get me. They will save me. They have to...

"I taught you better than that little one…"

You taught me nothing since you are nothing, and always will be.

"I’m more than you could ever know, sister."

Another sting. The bright white light was still there, blinding my eyes. The ringing in my ears never ceased. It was like a bell was in my head, and it wouldn’t stop clanging, no matter how much I told it to.

"We played like this as kids, don’t you remember? Every time you did something wrong, there would be pain."

A dry chuckle filled the room, cruel and cold.

"That was a fun game, wasn’t it?"

I liked the game where you weren’t in my life, when you were just a shell of yourself. A ghost, a shadow…You were nothing. I believed you were dead. You made me believe that, at least.

This time, she leaned down, and over all the ringing and all the pain, I heard the softest voice. It was so calm, so innocent, even if the words’ meanings were deadly.

“It’s okay to be the lower rank, sister… You were always weak, trying to be strong. Your attempts were pathetic like the life you always lived. I watched as you grew up, how you wished to be something you weren’t and never will be. You played in the woods, you laughed, you played, all in spite. All along, you were nothing but a monster, a mere creature, that would destroy everything it touched or loved, damned for all eternity.”

Deceit through the shushed, silken tone - That is what I truly received. I saw her eyes through my pain, her eyes that I thought were once beautiful, a deep crystal blue, like an ocean. At once, I stopped. I stopped struggling.

“It’s also okay to have nobody love you.” I whispered, my voice hoarse and cracked with exhaustion. “It’s okay to be the one fearing instead of being feared. Because that’s life, dearest sister.”

She raised her palm up, and the machine sent a burst of energy through me, and I didn’t scream at this. I only looked at her with a challenging look in my eyes, as if to say: “Hit me with everything you got, I won’t move.”

My head screamed for her to stop - to stop this madness that is called torture. The lightning ripped through my veins, tearing me apart from the inside. I wanted to scream, but I bit my lip to stop the muffled screams coming from my mouth. Something cold dripped down my chin, and I felt the faint splat on the floor. I darted my tongue out to catch more. Was I crying again? Why did it hurt so much?

The taste was like eating pure, liquid metal. Blood. That’s what this is.

A scornful laugh echoed throughout the walls, bouncing around, reverberating in my ears.

Stop.

Stop!

My eyes started to turn a dark red, like a deep shade of blood, as darkness swarmed around me, making anyone on the outside unable to make contact with me.

I wanted to represent life when I was younger.

But I am death.

After all, I had to learn.

My deepest power has unleashed.

I will not fear. I will rise.

Like the darkness of night.

I will conquer.


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17 Reviews


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Thu Apr 05, 2018 7:01 am
scarlettvee wrote a review...



Wowowowowow. Holy cow this chapter was good. I loved your descriptions, and I am incredibly intrigued. I want you to post the rest of this story so I can read it! This was so good! Even with just this short amount of writing, you mentioned so many things that bring up so many questions in my mind, such as who is her sister? Why is her sister evil? What is the background of these two characters? Who's supposedly coming to rescue the main character? How did she end up there in the first place? Also, what's up with the ending? She's death? I mean, what? That just intrigued me even more. I need answers. You need to post the rest of the story for this.

But anyway, I do have a couple of grammatical corrections for this.

"Welcome to the madness, the voices whispered. Permanently you stay, permanently you belong."
Why isn't this in italics like the rest of what the voices says is?

"...not for me. Not for me."
I think not to me would make more sense here instead of not for me.

"“It’s also okay to have nobody love you.” I whispered, my voice hoarse and cracked with exhaustion. “It’s okay to be the one fearing instead of being feared. Because that’s life, dearest sister.”"
There should be a comma after "you" then the quotation marks then the tag. Also, you should add a "to" before love. So basically it should read "...nobody love [to] love you," I whispered..."

I don't really think I have any huge corrections for this, just remember that when you're writing dialogue, it should (for the most part) always go quotation mark, dialogue, comma, quotation mark, dialogue tag. So it'll look like this:

"You ruined me, sister," she said, glaring at me.

"I did nothing of the sort," I said.

It should look something like that anyway. I don't know if you already knew that or not, I just wanted to mention it just in case you didn't. But anyway, really really good job on this chapter, and definitely keep writing! I want to see a complete story on this! It was so good!! Good job and keep it up!




Winged067 says...


Thank you! I copied this from my other doc, and so the italics don't stay, so that must be some of the reasons that they weren't italicized. Thank you for pointing out the commas and such! I do need work on that, and I haven't exactly worked on it yet. Thank you for the review!



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Wed Apr 04, 2018 4:55 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, Winged067. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

OVERALL OPINION
Since you are trying to add this to a novel, I am just going to discuss on what I liked and what you need to improve ( if any ). I love the vivid descriptions of the scene itself in this story. It gave that scare because of the way it was described. You did well on that part, so give yourself a pat on the back.

Also, the way you can change the rating on the work is to click ‘edit work’ on the right side of the page. You’ll see it, it will be a gray tab.

Anywho, I don’t really see anything that needs improving.

I hope you’ll post the novel version of this soon because I would love to read it. You got me hooked right to the very end. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day!

- Kanome




Winged067 says...


Thank you!



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Wed Apr 04, 2018 12:45 am
manilla wrote a review...



Hi, ZiLu!

I'm going to give you a detailed review so you'll be motivated to implement this into your actual book. *breATHES*

Let's begin and get the nitpicky things out of the way, shall we?

”I taught you better than that little one…”


Add a comma after “that”.

”You taught me nothing since you are nothing, and always will be.”


Add a comma after “nothing”. Remove the comma after the second “nothing”.

”I’m more than you could ever know sister.”


Comma after “know”.

So that’s it - Basic comma work that comes with practice and study. Moving on, now.

”The whir of the machine made my heart clench as my lungs screamed for oxygen.”


This is such a driving opening line that throws you right into the story, but the thing is, you don’t mention the machine anywhere else. Or is the machine symbolism for something more?

The alternating thoughts between Kaelin and her sister are haunting, menacing, and very thought-provoking. This and switching between the scenes of torture is just suspenseful. Dang, good job.

”If you think he will save you, you’re wrong. Your friends won’t even make it past the gate.”


Who are these friends? Who is this “him”? The reader still needs to know. And when the sister of Kaelin begins speaking, it seems off because she was thinking to Kaelin in thoughts the entire time...Is that what is happening?

”Deceit through the shushed, silken tone - That is what I truly received. I saw her eyes through my pain, her eyes that I thought were once beautiful, a deep crystal blue, like an ocean. At once, I stopped. I stopped struggling.”


Another powerful, vivid image for the reader. I’m wordless.
And the ending’s string of thoughts, when Kaelin is getting desperate to the point where she can’t take it, is just so suspenseful and leaves you on this cliffhanger that just...EEEEE. You have good, concise, imaginative descriptive work that really is the key of your writing style.

Keep publishing them chapters! Great work, @Winged067! Keep it up!

-Manilla out




Winged067 says...


ZiLu? Really? Thanks. I was changing around the story a lot, so much that it actually got really confusing, but I appreciate it.



manilla says...


You're welcome :D



Winged067 says...


But ZiLu?! Really?! Why??!?!?



manilla says...


ayy lmao i saw how you were staring when zi was asked for the pe demo lmaooo



Winged067 says...


...No.



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114 Reviews


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Reviews: 114

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Wed Apr 04, 2018 12:21 am
manilla says...



I suggest you change the age rating to at least a 12.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THOUGH! AAA!




Winged067 says...


How do you change the rating?



manilla says...


Edit piece. save changes. change story options.



Winged067 says...


I did it.




I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins