I hurry along the side of the chained fence, searching through all of the faces on the other side. They all seemed to be filled with the same terrified look, as if they knew that death would be their best friend now, but stab them in the back later. I keep looking, but I still can’t find them. There is a cool breeze as I continue down the side, seeing people reach their arms through the empty spaces, they aren’t sure that they want to be freed, yet they are terrified of still being trapped tomorrow. Maddie is the first one I finally see, followed by Cole, and Adam. I stop in front of them, thirteen roses lie in Adam’s hand. I put one hand on the fence, reaching to meet Adam’s as he extends his own out towards me. The roses fall into my palm, as Adam gets pulled back by a masked man. His arm tearing at the jagged edges of the fence. The masked one, now dragging Adam to the metal door, a knife against his neck. One rose still grasped tightlyin Adam’s hand. Grey clouds hid the sun, the alarm goes off. Blood falls from Adam’s body, which now has a slit throat.
On the other side of the fence, people are scattering everywhere, retreating away from the fence. The door slightly opens, along with the masked man, Adam disappears inside. “Sam, go now.” Maddie shouts, as she pulls Cole away from the fence. I break my gaze of the door, quickly backing away from the fence. The smell of burned flesh enters my nose, I look over, and there is a collapsed body just a little bit away. The hour is up, now the electricity of the fence is turned on again, which would lead to quit in another hour. I look the other way, slowly stepping away. Masked people are now coming out of the gate, one by one. Six of them, they all are running in my direction.
I rush myself to the tree line, where I stumble onto a trail, that had overgrown trees, leaning over, threatening to cut the path off. A bend in the path forms. I jump over a fallen tree, tripping, and landing with a roll. I look in front of myself, there is a large rock, at the water’s edge. The water goes on for a long while, the lake doesn’t have many waves. I catch my breath again, still lying at the water's edge. “Who are you?” A unfamiliar voice speaks.
I turn, so i’m facing the sky, which is now covered in dark clouds. A person now stands at my feet, all in black, with one small, yellow star covering the human's heart. His face is covered, but I get small glimpses of hazel eyes, that are staring down at me. “I asked you a question.” The voice starts to get impatient.
I start to recognize the eyes that are looking into mine now. “Garth?” I say, starting to sit up. “Don’t move! I have a weapon, now tell me who you are!” He demands.
I stop, not breaking the eye contact, as he reaches for his side. “Garth, don’t do anything stupid, I know you’ll regret it.”
He takes his hand away from his side, holding a knife. “Tell me who you are now!” He insists.
I take my hand hesitantly, moving a lost strand of hair back reuniting it with the other strands. “I’m Sam, you know that. Now please, stop! You know I haven’t done anything wrong. We’ve made mistakes in the past, but that was the past, it’s better now. The problems got fixed. You don’t have to do this for them.” I say.
Garth is moving slowly now, circling to my side, proceeding to behind me. I turn, so i’m still facing him. “Sam, what are you doing? You can’t be here. Do you know what they are going to do to you? Do you have any idea what they will do to Maddie and Cole and Adam when they find out that you have a connection with them?” He says, stabbing the tree next to him with the knife. “No, Garth, Adam’s gone. I watched them take him, I saw his throat get slit. I saw the blood, it’s too late for him. I admit that I don't know what they’ll do, but if you have any of the person you were, then you’ll help me, help Maddie and Cole escape. We both have a dark past, don’t add this to yours.”
Garth wrapped his finger around the knife, pulling it out of the tree again. He’s still silent. “I’m sorry. Look, it’s too dangerous for me to do that. If they catch me, they will torture me, they will kill me.” Garth says.
I stand up, brushing the dirt off. “Why do they have you doing this anyways?” I ask.
He is still staring at the blade of the knife, that still rests in his hand. He hasn’t looked up since I mentioned Adam’s death. “Because, I was smart, ok Sam. I’m not happy what I did to get here, but at least i’m not trapped like a animal like all those other dying people.”
Small droplets of rain start to fall from the darkened sky. “Ok, then what did you do? It can’t be worse than what I know of.”
Garth turns, looking out, to the other side of the lake. Once he turns back my way he looks up, our eyes meet again. “I... I killed my mom. I killed people. I took a broken branch that was lying on the ground, and pushed them into the fence, holding them there with the stick. A guard came and took me, and I ended up here. Now, you should go. I’ll tell them you were in the lake, and that you drown. Please, just go now.” Garth raises his voice.
“I’m not going until you agree to get Cole and Maddie out, alive.” I answer in response.
“Sam, they’re coming, you’ll be dead, i’ll be dead, just go!” He is now pushing me towards the trees.
“Garth! You will get them out safe. You owe it to me for killing her! You were the one who did it not me. Why? Why did you blame me? I did nothing wrong.” I shout.
“Sam, she came at you with a knife, it was either you or her. And you can’t possible think that you were the only one to care about her. I did too, so did Adam, so did Cole, Maddie, your parents.” He say, now tightly gripping my wrist, staring coldly into my eyes. Garth stabs the knife into the tree right beside my head. I scream in response.
“Just let me go do it myself. Just let me go. You don’t want this, you don’t want to kill me to. You don’t want to add another scar to yourself, your past. Please.” I beg.
“Sam, it's too late, they’ll catch you, if they don’t already know you're here, now, would you rather do it yourself, have me do it, or them?” He asks, taking the knife from the tree, and offering the handle to me. “What?” I whisper.
“Take it.” He says.
I wrap my fingers around it, still looking at his cat like eyes. I touch the blade to my neck. “Do it already, don’t make me do it for you.”
With a quick action, the blade cuts into his neck, and he starts to bleed. The blood rolls down from the wound. Garth falls to the ground, gasping for air, but coughing up blood instead. The blood is turning the dirt a red colour. I hear footsteps behind me.
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Heyhey! :0
You've got a super interesting concept here, and I can already tell that there are so many different directions this could go. From what I can tell of your story so far, you definitely have something that seems pretty original. There are a lot of unclear details so it isn't that easy to tell at the moment, but I think you're onto something super intriguing here. I really like that you threw us straight into the action because it caught my attention immediately, and leaving this on a cliffhanger gives you extra brownie points.
As for critiques, the main issue I had while reading this is that it was rather confusing. There were a lot of names and characters floating around, with no real introduction to them. It was as if you assumed we already knew who these people were, what their situation was, what kind of relationship they had, what the significance of certain things were e.t.c. whereas the reality is that we know absolutely nothing! As such, things did get a wee bit confusing. I'm unsure of why your narrator's friends(?) are locked up, and I don't really know what Garth and Sam were talking about during their conversation, which are both quite important elements of the story. You don't need to give us the ins and outs of these people's lives, don't get me wrong, but you want to put your readers in a place where they can at least follow what's happening with ease.
I also don't really understand why Sam had to kill Garth. Why didn't he/she just run away, and have Garth tell the guys after him/her the original plan of falling into a river and drowning or whatever. I don't quite understand why they couldn't do that. It seemed to be quite an easy thing for Sam to do too, which seemed a bit odd. I mean, taking someone's life is a pretty difficult, traumatic thing. Obviously, we don't have much background info on what's going on here, so Sam may kill people all the time, but these two obviously had some form of relationship (not romantic, just as in they knew each other relatively well), so killing Garth can't have been that easy of a decision.
I found Sam's reaction to Adam's death quite strange too. He/she just watched the guy being dragged away and slaughtered, but seemed to get over it fairly easily. Wouldn't Sam feel at all guilty? Adam seeing Sam and reacting to him/her is pretty much why he was killed, and while I'm not saying it is Sam's fault, I feel like it would feel that way to Sam. I mean, it would for me. He/she just seemed to get over Adam's death pretty easily, and it sort of felt like it was mentioned in passing to Garth later on. I just want a bit more emotion from your narrator, is basically what I'm saying!
On a similar sort of note, I'd love to see you experiment a little more with description. Physical description, description of Sam's emotions, description of the setting e.t.c. We have some basic descriptions, so your off to a good start, I'd just like to see it revved up a bit. Take the scene where Adam is killed. You sort of just write it as he's taken away, there's a knife to his throat, he's killed at the moment, but I'd like to know the gory details. Is Adam shouting when this is all going on? What's he saying? Is he fighting back? What does his face look like as it dawns on him that he's about to die? What does the wound look like? Don't be afraid to really get into the gory details, y'know? This kind of thing will also help heaps with portraying Sam's emotions towards Adam's death.
Negatives aside, you have something really intriguing here. Your idea currently seems to be a super unique one, and I really like that I can't predict what's going to happen next. As I noted earlier, you ended this in the perfect place because it leaves your reader wanting more, wanting to know what happens next. So yus, if you've got any questions or comments regarding this review, please don't hesitate to let me know. Just drop me a PM, leave a message on my wall, reply to this review--whatever you prefer!
Keep writing,
xoxo Sins
I like your username lol. (And I apologize in advance if I'm a bit harsh, I don't mean to be.)
I'm getting chills already omg
That's a lot of roses for one hand to hold and where did he get them?
"Grey clouds hid the sun, the alarm goes off. Blood falls from Adam’s body, which now has a slit throat. " Maybe go into a bit more detail?
Why is the fence only one sometimes?
Wow, that is a LOT of commas. Try and tone it down a bit.
IT'S A STAR BELLIED SNEETCH (look it up lol)
That was really quick transition from him not recognizing her to being like best friends with her. A bit too quick if you know what I mean.
That's way too much information at once. A good thing to remember when writing horror is that suspense almost always is with horror. They are a team You can't have one without another. Do you get what I'm trying to say here?
Torturing seems very out of character for the masked men. I mean, I've only seen them one time but they seem like the "kill and done" type of people.
Again, that's a lot of info at once and the way he says it is a bit too dramatic.
What???? I don't know what is going on.
Give me the adjectives, I want the adjectives!
She didn't really seem like the person to scream, more like the type of person that is unfazed by something like that.
Wait who's saying "Do it already?"
I don't know what is going on???
It's interesting but could use some editing. I can't wait to see what happens next though!
Happy writing!