Small droplets of rain splattered down on the grey cement while young Lila watched them. She wondered why it actually did rain; the science of it. Right now was not a good time to ask, though, because Lila's mom was working in the office, and her father was out at the bank, depositing a check.
Lila exhaled heavily, then inhaled once again. She was bored out of her mind and had nothing to do. She watched as a few kids from her street came out of their house wearing yellow rain jackets and big bulky rain boots. They skipped and hopped along the sidewalk, splashing in puddles along the way.
"Mommy, may I go outside?" Lila called to her mother, even though she should probably not be disturbing her.
"Outside? Why, it's raining! Why do you want to go outside?" Her mom replied.
Lila huffed in frustration and ended the conversation. There was no way she was going to be allowed to go outside with the other kids.
Gwen, Lila's soft white cat, came up to Lila and rubbed its head on her knee while purring loudly.
"Who's my wittle fwuffy wuffy," Lila said, cupping her hands around her cat's face. Gwen seemed to like it, as a matter of fact, but she meowed in protest anyways.
She suddenly heard the front door unlock, and her small legs ran to the door. "Daddy!" she cried.
"Hey, Lila," Lila's dad said, ruffling her curly blonde hair.
Lila beamed happily. Her cheeks were a soft shade of red and her eyes were a stormy grey today. She had looked in the mirror when she woke up, and had thought, My eye color matches the weather perfectly!
"Daddy," Lila said slyly, giving her dad a small smile, "may I go outside?" She rocked back and forth on the balls of her feet.
Lila's dad closed the door as he gave his daughter a reply, "Lila, it's cold and rainy, you'll get sick. We don't want that."
An angry Lila glared up at her father, her hands in small fists. "I hate you!" She stormed off into the living room, and then she thought, Why did I say that? It was something so small! She felt her eyes start to tear up, and soon enough her vision was blurry due to the warm tears falling down her cheeks, which had turned from a glowing red to an angry red.
Daddy is going to be mad, Lila thought. She sat down on the couch as her elegant cat came and jumped on her lap.
"Oh, Gwen," Lila said. "Why is my day so bad today?" She nuzzled her face on Gwen's fur, who was purring loudly. "I love you, Gwen. More than anyone in the whole wide world."
•••
The next day was a school day, and Lila was wearing her pink and purple butterfly rain boots, a red shirt, jeans, and her favorite rain coat. Her hair was in two pigtails that were tied with red hair ribbons.
Her father drove her to the curb at the elementary school and walked her to the kindergarten hall. The lights gave a warm glow to the hall and made it seem cozy. Along the walls, paintings of handprints were taped, one of which was Lila's.
"Have a good day, Lila," her father said, and sent her off into the colorful kindergarten classroom.
•••
Young Lila's day had been going well. They sang a good morning song, then did counting practice. After that they had snack, which was cheese and crackers. After snack, during freetime, Ms. Loren's phone rang. Lila hadn't been paying attention, and when Ms. Loren called her over to her desk, Lila was scared.
"Am I in trouble?" Lila asked nervously, switching her weight to her left foot, then to her right again.
"Oh no, your mother called. She's going to pick you up early today." Ms. Loren explained to her student.
"Okay." Lila said, then skipped off to rejoin her friends in their game of family. Lila was the baby. She was always the baby. Celeste, a girl in her class, was the mom. She was always the mom. Two other girls Lila didn't know were the older girls.
"So pretend the dad went to war and died," Celeste said, as usual. That was the only excuse they knew for not having a father. No boys wanted to play with them.
"Okay," said one of the girls, who was playing Lila's older sister. Right when they began playing, Lila's mom came to pick Lila up.
Lila's mother talked to Ms. Loren for a couple minutes, then called for Lila to get her things. They walked out the classroom with Lila in her coat and boots.
"Why did you pick me up early?" Lila wondered.
Her mother looked at her. "Lila, this is going to break your heart."
"Nothing can break my heart!" Lila said. She was in such a good mood that day she didn't have any idea of what to expect.
"Gwen's old. You know that, right?" He mother explained, fidgeting with her fingers nervously.
"Yes, of course." Lila replied. She didn't know what the problem was.
"Well, she's getting even more old, and we don't want her to suffer. We, um, we need to give her a shot."
Lila stopped walking. "But, she'll be okay after the shot, right?" And that's when Lila realized that no, her cat, her favorite thing in the world, would not be okay. She was going to die.
Note: Okay-I seriously have no idea where this came from. And I don't exactly no what the point of this was. I don't know, something to help me practice writing?
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#Error #
Interesting piece, it was well written, yet simple enough for me to believe it was a little girl's perspective. Even though you say this is just practice, you built up the feeling of dread really well - the sense that something bad is going to happen.
I thought it was going to be her dad at first! That would have been so tragic, considering that as far as we know, Lila's last words to him were "I hate you". Even though we know she didn't really mean them. What would have been interesting is to maybe get a hint of the father's reaction? This may or may not work, I'm not sure. Was the "I hate you" just a misdirect to keep us guessing about the final conclusion? If not, I suggest you make it lead somewhere, because it seems too significant to be left unresolved.
I didn't see any grammatical errors that popped out at me, except for your note at the end:
You meant "know" instead of "no"
Well done, keep doing practice pieces. This made me feel something for Lila, and when you achieve that, you've done your job as a writer.
Thanks!
Hey Willow!
~ Mm? She didn't even ask yet.Shady here with a quick review for you this fine morning.
Also, how old is Lila? She's obviously very young, but she's talking fairly well and is being clever with asking her dad instead of her mom-- so I'm just a bit curious.
~ Haha, this part amused me just a bit. The way it reads now it gives the impression of her legs doing the running. Not *her* running, just a pair of small legs running toward the door. Maybe rephrase?
~ I've noticed this in a few other places in your story, but thought that it was probably just an oversight. You should italicize the thoughts. That's the generally accepted method of writing thoughts that will let people know that they're thoughts, thus eliminating the need for the tag "Lila thought.:
~ Okay, I guess I was just being impatient. This is a great way to tell us her age. Well done. ^-^
~
Okay, wow, that was an abrupt ending. xD Writing something for practice is perfectly alright, though, and you wrote a nice little piece here. I enjoyed how you got into the simple mentality of young Lila, and I like how you made her love her kitty so much-- though the last bit wasn't very believable. I mean, what mother would actually come pick her kid up early from school just to tell her that they were euthanizing her cat?
Other than that, though, I liked your story. I only spotted a few grammar mistakes throughout (which is pretty remarkable, considering my Grammar Nazism), and your pacing was wonderful. Good story in general. I hope you continue this, and let me know if you do. ^-^
Keep writing!
~Shady
Thanks -- yeah, mostly for practice. ^.^
Hiya Willow!
I'll start off my review with what I liked. This story really reminds me of this story I wrote when I was younger about cats, and the perspective is really similar. Anyway, on a more related note to your story I think it's an interesting, obviously sad, idea which you've attempted quite nicely. I think the different characters are introduced well, and you've began to explore the characters.
As for improvements, I think you need to reread this because there are a few awkward sentences in terms of your expression:
These sorts of things can be fixed with practise! Just make sure you're reading regularly so you know how to word things properly.
Another thing is, I thought your sentences sounded quite repetitive. As in, most of the sentences started with 'she did this', I could see some examples where you went away from that which is great, so I think just varying your sentences a bit. That also means length, try and use longer sentences for interior monologue, and shorter sentences for when you're trying to build up action and tension.
I think the whole first part of the story just seemed to escalate quite quickly. Lila got annoyed at her parents really quickly. This part wouldn't be too weird if we knew something about their backstory, and how they usually act with each other. But because we don't know any of this, Lila's reactions just seem a bit rash and uncalled for. So think about how you develop your characters, and how they interact with each other.
I don't think it was actually a 'conversation' because it was only two lines, so I think you should cut that part out.
My last point is I was wondering how old Lila is? Because from the way she was acting with her parents, saying 'I hate you!' it sounded like she was a teenager. But then at school they were playing families, which sounds like something smaller children do. So I think you need to make that part a bit clearer, otherwise, great!
Overall, I did enjoy reading this. I wonder if you'll continue this, because it seemed to end sounding unfinished. Also, the main plot here seems so be her cat having to be put down, but I don't think you really explored any of her emotions towards that so I think that should be added, either here, or on the second part if you decide to continue. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions or if you'd like another review on anything.
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Thanks so much! This was really helpful!
Hey, WillowPaw!
It does seem like this short piece was a practice piece of some sort, but that shouldn't matter. Like athletes needing to warm-up, musicians needing to practice, and lame and repetitive homework exercises to help you get used to the task, simple writing practices—even if it seems like it has no point—can only help.
So with that said, lemme give ya an overview of how I portrayed this: a little girl wants to go outside, gets angry when she isn't allowed, cuddles with her cat, goes to school, has a good time, then gets informed that her cat may very well die. I know what you're thinking: "Nooo, you're making this sound super ultra lame!" But believe me, I've read super lame stories before, and this piece doesn't even come remotely close to that! But since the plot obviously isn't the biggest "page-turning characteristic," I think character development or style is what your inner mind was trying to get to.
Let's talk about character development! I liked the way Lila thinks about her feelings of her yelling at her dad, and the sudden dread when she realized that her kitty—her most loved friend—is going to die. It puts the reader into an innocent perspective, and it sure does remind me of my little girl days.
But one can always improve! The most successful character development holds a strong link between the story and the reader. This link makes the reader attached to the story, and it will want them to continue reading rather than yawn in boredom. In addition, this link will provide the emotional attachment to the character. So, if Lila gets overcome with dread or sadness, the reader can't help but feel the same way.
So how do you make this link? In my experience, it also ties in with style and details. I like to give other writers the five senses tip: smell, sight, sound, touch, and taste. Add more details to emotion and the story will already breathe and pulse alive. Slow things down and don't rush into things, and remember to be detailed, though not too detailed to the point where it bores the reader. As a writer, you must find the perfect balancing point that fits both you and your audience.
Well, hope that helped! Keep writing!
~Carina
Yes, thank you so much!
No problem!