Published February 22, 2005
I glanced at Bevan, wondering what he was thinking about. I was thinking about the city. As always I wondered what it held that could be so dangerous, so forbidden.
Bevan looked up to meet my gaze, and smiled.
“We’ll never know Astrid,” he said with silent amusement. “They don’t want us to know.”
“I will know,” I said stubbornly.
The village was quiet this early in the morning. Inhabitants of Sage Barrow never stepped out of their houses until the sun has fully risen. We were late today. The dawn light played merrily on the thatched roofs of Sage barrow. A few chickens clucked by on the dirt road, scrounging the ground for dropped seeds. Yew trees lined the path and little flowerbeds were set beside it.
I knew Diya would scold and give me a speech for being out before dawn, but a much worse punishment was in store for Bevan. His father was a retired warrior. He was formidable and strict, only popular for his former glory. These days you could only see him at night, skulking around in the village tavern.
I felt guilty, knowing the fault was mine, but he’d pay the price.
As we neared my house I saw his eyes grow weary. I wanted to give him a word of comfort, but I didn’t know what to say.
“Well, bye then,” he said, a shade of resentment in his eyes.
“See you at association,” I said, giving a feeble wave as he walked down the dirt path to his house.
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140,118 Literary Works • 673,019 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Okay so this was a pretty short little story. It didn't seem to be connecting towards much. It was just like a small excerpt from a larger novel. That being said it was still a pretty neat little story. It might not have really had a plot but it had a decent flow to it, the characters seem pretty realistic and it was fun to read.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Now that's a pretty intriguing start that you've got there. Definitely a good move starting with some pretty nice questions there.
This is a nice bit of description that you've got here. Establishes the setting of it really well.
Some ominous build up there. Definitely leaves you wanting to know exactly what sort of thing went down here. I would definitely want to find out that's for sure.
I think that word needs to be added there.
And other than that this seems like a reasonably well done little good bye scene that you'e got here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Hmm so this was a pretty nice and very simple little scene. It wasn't the most exciting but it wasn't boring and that's nice too. Overall I don't have any suggestions for improving this any further. Its just a really simple piece. Overall good job!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Repetition it is!
And Claudette, Jiggity: from what I understand, she has more of this written...this is just a taster? It's like me giving you a couple paragraphs of a novel and asking you what you think: without getting involved with the plot and characters too much, how does the actual writing look to you?
*Shrug* That's my take on it, anyway.
It's well written, but I agree with 'dette, there's not enough to go on. There needs to be more for us to go on, rather then just a short description, no matter how well written.
Oh and Cassandra, its repetition.
It's lacking a lot, it doesn't flow and some sentences seem 'strange' also, when is this? where are they? What kind of society is this? there is just a lot that's missing that, if given, would help the reader out a lot. Try to make your sentences flow, they seem real...systematic (for lack of a better word)
in the first sentence 'this' seems strange and in the second I'm arguing with 'has' should it be had? I think the tenses are askew...
As Sam said, yay for proper grammar! Seriously, you have no idea how much of a relief it is not to have to tell you to use commas, dammit!
Just one little nitpick: repetitiveness. Is that a word? Ha ha. It is now. Some examples...
You use a form of "wondering" twice in this paragraph.
Saying "Sage Barrow" twice in just three sentences caught my attention.
Other than that? Nice work. Just these few paragraphs makes me interested in the society you've created. So yay!
'I glanced at Bevan, wondering what he was thinking about. I was thinking about the city. As always I wondered what it held that could be so dangerous, so forbidden. '
It just doesn't work for me, no offense. You say that she's wondering what Bevan is thinking about, and then never get back to that thought. Not a big issue, so do whatever you think is better for the story as it progresses, but that's my opinion.
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Willow...I know I've commented on this countless times, but you have a very elegant style of writing. And your work is a nice break for us critiquers, having to go through and pick out every grammatical error and whatnot. Well done. I don't think I've read the first one, but I decided to read it because I've read all your other stuff and my conscience was bothering me...
Thanks Emma
Wow, its just as good as your other ones! I really need to read more of this! Its, how can I put it.... WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.
(To others who think I am crazy, please try and read her other stories on smoke and dust and you will understand why I like this so much)