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Young Writers Society



Clown Case 1 - intro

by Willow


Officer Binley should’ve retired a long time ago. He was nearing seventy-eight, almost as old as his father was when he died.

No, Officer Binley couldn’t stop now, not after all that glory and satisfaction. He was a top officer, one of the most respected in town. People claim he’s highly responsible for the clean, crime-free streets this place, the reason why our community takes such pride in its perfect streets.

Officer Binley had been a handsome man. Like his vigilance and excellent instinct, some of that charm and sway still resided in his tired old body. The older townswomen were quite taken with this handsome widower who kept their neighborhood safe.

Officer Binley couldn’t lay it to rest. It was his job, his destiny to protect those who couldn’t fend for themselves and bring justice to his world, even if it was small. He still raved the streets at night, looking for anything out of place. He settled disputes and ended fights without as much as a sentence.

Fate was sweet to Frank Binley.

At least for now.

It was a Saturday when they found it. The first one.

I remember it as though I was still standing there, watching them haul it out of the lake.

I was one of the bystanders, invisible to the inspectors and coroners running around the bank. It was greenish, dripping with a few weeds hanging off it. I remember some of the little girls beginning to cry. But I didn’t cry. I’ve seen it long before it was green.

Even some grown ups wiped off a tear. But they haven’t seen the worst of it. They wouldn’t let any bystanders near enough to see the face and other injuries.

But I’ve seen it though, and I knew tears wouldn’t be the only liquid leaking from them.

No. Some people would’ve thrown up too, had they seen the two punctures dug into the cheeks. The blood lined mouth, and worst of all, the hole that replaced the nose.

He was still in the clown costume, weighed down with water.

He was the first victim. The first harlequin.

One of the younger officers came up to the crowd standing near the bank. He looked tired and sad, having known the victim personally.

“Dear god Nathan, who is it?” A portly woman asked fearfully. She was dressed in a flowing, flowery pink dress, but her mousy hair was messed up and her eye make-up smeared.

It was still early, nine-o-clock or something, which was kind of too early for the inhabitants of Silverlake. Usually they’d still be in their beds, or at least in their houses. It was cold too, or rather, the wind was cold. The sun was hidden behind a bank of dark grey clouds.

“Frank Binley,” Nathan said with a sad sigh.

“Frank?!”

People’s hands clapped to their mouths. The sobs grew louder.

I could tell they were scared. Frank had been one of us. He had been the peacekeeper.

Now he’s in a body bag, the first victim in Silverlake’s first serial crime.


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83 Reviews


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Reviews: 83

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Thu Sep 03, 2020 1:36 pm
WaterSpout wrote a review...



Hello Willow, hope you're having a good day wherever you are! I decided to stop by another story of yours. And sure enough, this didn't disappoint. But I'm a little confused by the whole plot. Not the entirety of it, I understand what this is about, enough of the story, and the police character. But I'm confused by the whole clown thing.
I suppose I should get on with it. So what I noticed is that you've improved on your grammar so much since the Smoke and Dust novel. I only found two potential errors and they're not even that bad.
So without further ado, I'll get started.

Even some grown ups wiped off a tear.

Okay, so I decided to list the grammar first since it's the easiest, then I'll come back to my confusion. That will hopefully be the main part of this review.
Sorry for being nitpicky, but that needs a hyphen.

Usually they’d still be in their beds, or at least in their houses.

Just one comma error, one. But I guess this story wasn't that long. Either way, good job!
And now, my confusion. I know this is so over hyped, but my reviews usually center around grammar, but you kinda made that impossible.
So I'm talking about the whole serial crime idea these criminals have in their minds. First off, they dressed Officer Binley up, they etched a smile on his face(by force...), and they drowned him in a lake. Or wait, what did they do?
So first off, why did the police department let a seventy-eight-year-old still on active duty? That doesn't make sense. If he didn't want to, maybe he could have taken role as the head, or a boss, but not roam the streets. Unless the criminals/criminal caught him. But I doubt that
Second of all, was Officer Binley already dressed up as a clown, then they killed him? Or did they dress him up? I'd say it was the latter. Why would a police be dressed as a clown. So I guess this was pointless. BUT, I'd still like to say this had some great potential. A crime group o criminal dressing people as clowns, then killing them, calling them Harlequins? That sounds awesome! But too bad this is, like, fifteen years old. Oh well. I will still wish you happy writing!
With caution,

WaterSpout




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Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:42 pm
Rei wrote a review...



Usually, it's not the best thing to switch from third-person to first like that. It only works some of the time, and when you do that, you need to make a very clear transition. Here, you could have easily pressed enter twice by mistake and not noticed, so there was no way for me to know right away that this was a new scene. It was also unclear who this narrator war. Until you said who had been murdered, I though it was the officer you had been describing before. If you're going to interchange your use of first and third person narrative, or use always use first-person with multiple characters, it's generally a good idea to start a new chapter whenever you change perspectives, plus use a subtitle to let us know who is narrating the chapter.

You've got the right tone for this type of story, but you're rushing it way too much. Although it helps, we don't really need to know that much about who the first victim is before he we find unless he has a close relationship with your main character, especially if you want to start like this. What this needs is more tension and drama. Let us really get to know the town and the narrator before you jump too deep into the mystery. We don't know the character's name or even if it's a man or a woman.

Also, to help the drama and tension, don't let us know it's a serial killer until the perhaps the third body appears. With serial killers, there is generally something particular that stands out about each murder, how when or where they were killed, something each victim had in common. So give us details about how Frank was killed. Were there signs of a struggle? What kinds of wounds did he have? Did he have any wounds? Where was the body found, and who found him?





Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb