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by Willard

love is muscular dystrophy.

i can feel the earth cave in
and the mountains touch tips,
a "drunken mistake"
in the church parking lot
they'll never tell their friends.

i get it.
i never told my friends the truth,
i just told them i loved them.

and for a while i have been
attempting to soundtrack
the world's end, my end,
and the realization that
my gastrointestinal system
will collapse before i'm 20
if i don't lift my head up for once.

yet every good poem i've ever written
has been sober and manic,
pessimism with too much hope,
and every metaphor used
never held any actual weight.

i've welcomed writer's block
with half open arms
as i try to write a final track,
or at least a penultimate one,
if the time doesn't feel right.

if i have to promise once more
that i'd try to take care of myself,
stop crying in empty driveways
over broken promises,
stop holding myself over
the diner's staircase
with bulging anticipation.

it felt good being surrounded,
it feels bad being crushed

and knowing there is so much more
out there in the valley or whatever universe
i decide to live in,
yet i can't get out
of my family's trash compactor.

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55 Reviews

Points: 4517
Reviews: 55

Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:50 am
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DarshayataDeka wrote a review...

This poem is so damn good!!! You are such a superior poet that I'm at a lost as to what I should write in this review.

Anyways, you expressed all the feelings inside you very well through this poem. As Nikayla said, the metaphor in the first line of the poem is gripping, hooking the reader into the poem. Although the poem seems to loose its charm somewhere in the middle, it is regained towards the end and the last two lines gives the reader a feeling of satisfaction of having read a wonderful poem.

Using letters in the lowercase at the beginning of each line makes the poem unique and special. The words have been phrased nicely and punctuation marks were used at the right times. The stanzas, too, were well-formatted. I did not notice any grammatical errors.

As you go from one situation to another in your everyday day, like, from the church parking lot to soundtracks to poetry to the trash compactor, you seem to be in the same state of depression and fatigue. I mean, the things that you deal with in these situations, which includes your friends, family and writer's block, are very different from each other and the type of hatred or frustration you have towards them must somehow vary, right? The first time you read the poem, it seems perfect and flawless, but as you read it few more times, you realize that the poem starts becoming monotonous, especially while trying to present the your position in a given scenerio and the feelings which begin to arise in your mind.

Moving on, the following lines have left me speechless with amazement:

"and knowing there is so much more
out there in the valley or whatever universe"

These lines are bursting with frustration, anguish and thirst and personally, I think they are what increases its power.

You are one amazing poet! Keep up the good work!!

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Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Wed Jul 19, 2017 4:51 pm
smiksha says...

I absolutely love your perspective! It took me a millisecond to connect.

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Wed Jul 19, 2017 12:32 pm
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Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review! You're back I saw! Exciting. Well, let's jump right in.

love is muscular dystrophy.

i can feel the earth cave in
and the mountains touch tips,
a "drunken mistake"
in the church parking lot
they'll never tell their friends.

The metaphor here is gripping, hooking the reader into the poem. This is great! I do kind of wish that this is elaborated on at least a little bit or connected better into the first stanza that follows the single line. This stanza almost seems to be alluding to something in the first two lines since in the literal form they don't make much sense. The wording is a little odd here, though there's nothing too major that needs fixing.

Instead this poem has a habit of hopping around with the topic. I can't say that this makes the poem completely unenjoyable, though I do wish that there were more strings to tie this together a little better. I like this poem, though at the same time we go from the church parking lot to soundtracks to poetry to trash compactor. In a metaphorical sense, there's some nice ties and this is pretty solid throughout with the same tone. In a physical sense? Not so much.

Weakest stanzas here since I don't feel you're going to need a stanza-by-stanza review for this? Third and second to last. The fourth. I say these since they're not exactly a necessity here, which is a problem that I found with this poem. This can be a little bit more minimalist for the better. Favorite stanzas? First, third, and last. The buns of the poem aren't the problem. The beginning and ending are solid even if the ending is only there because of the trash compactor line. I don't believe that I've ever made this comparison before--there are almost sub-plots in your poetry, Will.

Originally we're talking about friends, yeah? Then we go off into a sub-plot for three stanzas about an end of the world soundtrack and poetry. In the end of this poem there's talk of (this is the interpretation that I got out of the last two stanzas) there being a whole universe out there and the speaker is stuck in one small place. The ideas here are nice, too. The execution is what needs improvement with making this have a longer-lasting impact on the reader. Not saying that this poem is bad, because it isn't. The flow and coherency may need work, though this is still pretty dang solid even if there is room for improvement.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.



User avatar
475 Reviews

Points: 1461
Reviews: 475

Wed Jul 19, 2017 5:32 am
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Apricity says...

*jaw dropping in silence*

this was damn good.

*cries into coffee*
— LadyLizz