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enter sand man

by Willard

Adam Sandler shot my mom in the head.
in character, Howie Ratner from the
2019 film Uncut Gems told me
"i hafta! it's in the script! i hafta!"

out of all my nightmares,
there's been worse.

my heart was a wasps nest
how it buzzed and stirred.
i begged my ribs to crack
and let them flood out.

for what an intrusion of stings
could do, i cannot;
articulate how scared i truly am.

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25 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 25

Sun Apr 26, 2020 9:06 am
Knight731 wrote a review...

I'm going to be honest, I saw this and thought it was going to be a serious poem about sleep paralysis. (I have an episode every other night so I thought it would be interesting.)

But what I found was something a bit more comical on my part. I am sorry is there was a deeper message that I completely missed but this was defiantly a pleasant change from the dark and morbid stories I read. (As that is my main genre interest.)

Keep up the great work and keep writing from the heart!

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39 Reviews

Points: 141
Reviews: 39

Thu Apr 23, 2020 12:57 pm
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silverquill12 wrote a review...

Hey. Silverquill12 here with a review.

First off, the first stanza is very interesting. It's so bizarre and draws the reader in immediately, especially the first line of "Adam Sandler shot my mom in the head." It's so wacky that it could only happen in a dream. It reminds me of something I would find on one-time-i-dreamt's Tumblr page.

Second stanza: pretty solid. I think I'd have liked to see more white space after it, or something separating it from the following lines. You've described this horrific dream and then go on to say that "out of all my nightmares, there's been worse." With such a point like this, I think you need that space to really amp up those lines. I think they are very striking, and could make that first part even more striking if there was a sufficient break to show that. I know it's hard because the way a poem is written and the way a poem is read can be two very different things. I know this seems like a trivial thing to ask, but for those of us who are not that good at interpreting poetry, I think this space or divide would serve a good purpose to impose a lot more meaning on the lines.

Third stanza: I don't think wasp has to be plural. But that's just a grammatical thing, and I know it is irrelevant in poetry. Just thought I'd point it out. I really like the rhythm of this stanza. Your line length is varied and I think it gets its point across well. The imagery used is lovely.

Fourth stanza: That semicolon, for me, seems unnecessary. It impedes readability for me just a bit. It creates this awkward pause, and then you're left with "articulate how scared I truly am" which doesn't make sense on its own. This stanza reminds me of those puzzles in Wheel of Fortune; they're called "Before and After" and the way they work is that the first word and second word relate to each other, and the second word and third work relate to each other in a different way. For example: French/toast/to the bride and groom. I think this principle could work really well in your last stanza, if you write "for what an intrusion of stings could do/i cannot/articulate how scared i truly am." "I cannot" serves both of these phrases and in my opinion, is pretty cool. To achieve this, you just have to get rid of that semicolon.

Overall, I liked this poem. I really loved the first line with its blunt humor. Takeaways: think about not just how the poem is written, but how you want it to be read. Remember, all of this is my opinion. Feel free to disregard. Great job!! :)

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Points: 56
Reviews: 4

Thu Apr 23, 2020 12:56 pm
GrymmRipper says...

The visualisation is terrific. I actually heard the last line of the first stanza in Howie's voice. This like the movie you've referenced is like an uncut gem itself. Needs a little bit more tweaking for meter and rhyme. Otherwise it is asolutely great , dark humour at it's best.

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35 Reviews

Points: 66
Reviews: 35

Thu Apr 23, 2020 12:31 pm
MoonIris wrote a review...

Hi, I think this is really good. I liked it. I do think it's a little bit hard to understand the first time we read it . But after the second time, I realized what a strong message it is. I think it make you understand what pain others must go threw and how lucky we are! I think it's really interesting how you describe this moment. I really liked it!

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