the conversation dances
to the rhythm of my
sleep apnea;
for some reason they're
worried whenever
I stop breathing.
anytime soon my ribs will collapse in this coffee shop
and Ground Zero will lay rest on my lungs
as a (self proclaimed) Manic Pixie Dream Girl
finds new "hip" haircuts on Pinterest.
under the table i'll stare at the gum
on their shoe, all clumped together
like all pieces were conjoined
once the foot came down.
i won't leave my phone unlocked
if they search through my body,
but if they type in 8876589,
a background of blood blossoms
will decorate my homescreen.
chopped up, screwy contact names,
some in basque and others in Klingon,
open the door to purposefully
mixed up numbers;
random phrases left in the text box.
we talk about Gore Vidal's dead body,
but only for a little until it turns into small talk.
suddenly, my physical health gets brought up
for "reassurance", but only a yes and a "good"
followed afterwards.
if i live muted, would i be an honest man?
if i die standing up, would i still be a lying man?
the silence remains mutual to the point
where I can hear the gum falling off
of their shoe.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review because I owe you my 200th.
This is a clever start to the poem and I like the imagery and how it doesn't try and overdo or do more than it should. The second and third line feels a bit awkward due to the fact that you went ahead and made "sleep apnea" onto the third line. There are benefits to keeping the lines short or making them long even if you're not consciously aware that you're doing it. Short lines could indicate short of breath or snappiness of the lines, while long lines could show that the narrator is winding on.
The main problem I have with this stanza is that it lacks punctuation. The imagery is rather good, but it feels like you need to chop the lines up just a tiny bit without overdoing that. The fifth and sixth line this time feel kind like they're stretching the whole thing where you cut the lines off and carry them onto the next line. I don't know if that quite makes sense, but I'm hoping so. In the seventh line I don't know why you have "like" at the beginning of the sentence and it doesn't really do any good for the poem, rather just kind of bogs it down.
The first part of the stanza starts out strong, but somewhere in the middle the lines get weaker or feel like they're weighing the poem down. The first half of the stanza works well with each other, while the second half of the stanza feels like it has a lot of excessive commas without ending some of the sentences sooner. It's the sixth and seventh lines that feel like they're weighing down the poem a little bit but I think you could fix that with some rewording. Generally the imagery of the poem also got weaker during the middle, but it pulled back up during the end.
The first three lines feel awkward, but more the third than the other two. The rest of the stanza is able to carry the weight and pick it back up to where it works again. I'd suggest to reword some of it. The stanza in the poem feels a little hazy--hazy isn't a bad thing, it just feels like someone told the reader to read this poem while in the fog. None of this is bad, though I think it could be improved. The cleverness pulls it through, and it works, but without it, I feel the lines would fall apart. This felt like some of the weaker imagery, but it also felt like it had enough purpose to be in the poem.
Going to review these two parts of the poem together. The first two lines really work well with the poem, and I'd argue they could be the best in the poem. The ending of the poem works and makes the poem feel kind of small-- but small in a positive light.
That's all I had to say about this poem, I hope this helped (it probably didn't)!
Hello, Godly here for a review and happy review day!
This is quite the interesting poem. It's unique and powerful especially with the use of the two questions near the end. This question brings the reader into deep consideration of the whole message of the poem. How we are not free to express our own views and are trapped to the restrictions of society. If you have your own opinion you are deemed what's wrong with society and discarded as a person. On the other hand if you stay silent people tend to assume things instead. Your personality is formed by others and you become invisible as you connect with the rest of the zombies that roam 'accepted' society. The ending represents the popular choice of sticking to the popular opinion of the time. They stay quiet in their own thoughts and voice the formulated ones by others. In the case of the poem, all are silent with their opinions and thus all you can hear are the slight noises of the area around you. The phone idea helps as well. How we aren't subjected to enough privacy in this world and you are moderated for being different which is why they would unlock the phone of your dead body. Forgive me if my interpretation is wrong.
Overall an amazing piece that got me really thinking about a lot of things.
Keep writing,
all the best,
Godly
This is so unique, but so interesting! I liked it a lot.
excellence refined into poetic form.
This is fantastic <3
Amazing, bit of work you have here. As I was reading it, I couldn't help but imagine every seen you described. (Like looking at gum stuck to one's shoe, detectives collecting a blood spattered cell phone as crime scene evidence, or someone living their lives as a mute, or dying while standing up (Like Ganondorf!))
Maybe, I missed the entire point of this bit of poetry (as I often do), But understanding or not, it was still a great read. Keep up the good work!
~The dark one.