Young Writers Society

Hey there, Will!

So, I warned you I was coming to review this, and while I can't add much more than the marvelous Lumi down below, I'm going to try.

I actually really like this poem. It definitely showcases a lot about the subject, and gives the readers something else to think about, being the ideas and images of this poem in relation to adolescence and how teenagers tend to over-dramatize things (guilty as charged, Your Honor). While I'm not going to say it's the most creative trick in the book, it at least shows that you're not a one-trick pony as far as flat satire goes.

The only thing I absolutely hate about this poem: The last two lines of the first stanza. I feel like there are words that could be so much stronger, and you've glossed over them in favor of the major offender, "pinpoints". The phrase doesn't tie into the rest of the poem, it has little to no bearing on anything else, and most of all, it feels very weak to me.

If I were the poet—which I'm obviously not, but this could still stand as a suggestion—I might look for similar words and phrases that have a bit more weight than "pinpoints". Because of that line, "adolescent attitudes" sounds so much more awkward, even though the alliteration should make it easier to read and more effective to the reader.

Other than that, I actually think that you used your profanity in a clean, clear-cut way that builds upon the subject of the poem. It lends itself to reality, and it gives the characters a bit of extra depth. If I had one more nitpick, it might be the word "mean"—what makes the history teacher mean? Is she sour? Is she unfair? Is she ridiculously racist? It can go any which way, and the reader doesn't know how to interpret that.

Keep writing, good man!

Well, that swear word- use of profane language- certainly gets me an instant disliking to this poem. It's confusing.... and I don't really see the humor here. I guess it's an "okay" poem except I would take out the swearing and maybe add more understanding to it. You might want to capitalize each line, except for the lines in quotations.

Hey!
Really enjoyed the poem. It expressed the listlessness of an ambitious and different kid very humorously. The experiences that an adolescent undergoes before he matures and grows up are very precious and simultaneously a bit unpleasant and your poem has pointed that out subtly (in my opinion).

"and a connect-the-dot
broken heart."

I liked this line very much; it was meaningful to me.

This was very interesting and entertaining. I thoroghly enjoyed it.

My friend. This poem would be great if your other stanzas were as good as the first two and last three lines of the first and last stanza. To me this poem is lost between goofy and profound. I imagine a daydreaming kid writing profound lyrics in his textbooks. This is great! Work on establishing the idea better.

Try:

I want to fall off
the face of the Earth,
where mystery is not
a blank notebook.

My teachers don't understand
the scribbles of my mind.
They're preoccupied with
the mundane.

I aim for space
because the Earth is flat,
but I have no money for gas.

Add a little something more to make your message clear. This poem is very relatable and wonderfully written. Keep working on it and remember: a good work is never finished.

--MS

I don't think this is a bad poem. But your humility is encouraging. It means you're open to editing. Only feel alarm if you ever find yourself grinning at your own work. That's when your hubris has started seeping in. So it goes.

The most obvious part of this piece is the first sentence, but that's not a problem so far because you acknowledge the adolescence of the sentiment immediately after. That said, it sets up the throat-cut at the end, so it's a bit necessary, I think. I mean, you could mess around and try to take the piece this way and that - and it's ultimately up to you as to what you want out of the piece.

The second stanza serves as a red herring for me. The way I like to handle filler stanzas is to, instead of subverting their presence because of the potency of still air, I inject a second theme or sentiment that is usually a bit harder to crack into. Critics will usually ask that the second theme be related, but in my eyes, the contents of a poem are automatically connected, be they visibly relative or not. So in stanza two, I don't see much of a second idea forming, but rather a distraction. A bit of character development, too, but it's nothing we don't get from stanza one with the blatant statement: adolescent attitudes. Think on it.

I love a nice throat-cut. My one peeve with this stanza is that I'd use 'keyed' instead of 'engraved' for both the sake of flow and the sake of pretension. Beyond that, it took me a few stabs to get into the idea that he was just going to drive off the face of the Earth (for which stanza one gave me the key), but I like the entire idea.

As a total construct, my takeaway is that someone connected to the writer of the notebook is rifling through it, giving me the idea that the writer is gone. Off in space, as the notebook would indicate. I like this personal takeaway, though it's dark, unredemptive.

My major target is the second stanza. Find more purpose for the space. Give us more character development. I like character development.

Ty