Religion

Timmy here for a review!

*Salutes* Hello, team captain! I saw the title on this one and was immediately drawn to it. You will have to forgive me if this review is harsh, but I will try to keep my critiques on your poetry as nice as possible. Then we shall move on to the religious beliefs proposed here...

Flow and Poetry Nitpicks

Mesmerizing, like blue skies

Jagged, like mountains.

Nonlinear, like psycho's mind. ---I understand that you are trying to make it so that all of these lines match, at least in appearance. But they don't flow very well, and I think the third line is responsible for much of that. Perhaps you could change it to like a psycho's mind like Bloodinkseesfootage suggested as well.

It holds beauty,

like Fool's Gold. ---I think if you are trying to keep the same flow as the rest of the poem, these too lines need to be changed. Look at the other lines. Each of them isn't really connected to the other lines as much, but more like their own little piece. I think you could combine these two lines to obtain that same affect.

Religious Nitpicks

I will start off with a simple nitpick, but its something all of the other reviewers seem to have missed. How is this stating your beliefs? You aren't stating what you believe in, but rather ridiculing the religion of others. You said that you will share yours... Then share them! But don't go about explaining how everyone's religious views are wrong when you say you are stating your own beliefs. If this is a poem on how the Bible is not correct, then state that.

Not straight---That is the closest I could come to of a dictionary definition of nonlinear

How is the Bible not straight? How does it not tell the truth? It isn't the only thing you need to get to the next life, but it is one of the key factors. It tells the life of the Jews, (Who, by the way, weren't necessarily chosen because they were better than anyone else. God had to choose somebody) And then once the story of the Jews is over, and the tale of how the World prepares for the coming of Jesus, then it tell the story of his life, and what followed after. If you read the Bible and read it with an open mind, you will see that it does have a straight purpose. A single goal. It tells how the World prepared for Christ in the Old Testament. (The Old Covenant) And then it tells what he founded and its beginnings(The New Covenant)

I hope that made sense to you, by the way. I hope it helps.

A suitcase full of a lawyer's lies.

Now this part made me scratch my head quite a bit, trying to figure out what exactly you were trying to say! Not even the dictionary helped me that much, when I searched for lawyer to see what their definition was. I am slightly puzzled here, but I will do the best I can to sort it out.

How is the Bible full of lies? Are you referring to the Seven days of Creation? I won't go into creation, but I am curious as to what you are referring to there. I can assure you, the Bible isn't full of lies. It is full of truth. Pick one up and you will see what I mean.

It doesn't make sense. ----Much of the Bible doesn't make sense to us and we need more, but that is where FAITH comes in. Without faith, none of us can go anywhere. Without faith, we can't do anything. Without God, we are nothing. And for things that don't make sense and you just can't wrap your head around it, like that there are Three Gods in One Divine Person, Human and Divine... Well, that is a mystery. And we will never fully understand that, because we are human. We just can't wrap our head around it, because we are human. Our minds can't grasp that.

It holds beauty,

like Fool's Gold.

Now this part at first was very confusing... Its beautiful, but its Fools Gold... So are you calling me a fool here? O_o

Firstly, the fool is someone who lacks sense or judgement... Fools Gold is beautiful, yes, but you can see that it isn't real at a second glance. Not the same for the Bible. You think it isn't real when you first look at it, and then once you delve deeper into it, the truth becomes more clear. At least, that is how it worked for me...

One book might say something,

But it doesn't mean the truth is told.

That is true. Just because I write a book that says that Elephants are extinct! doesn't mean its true. Now when you write the line, you say One, like it takes more than just one. I agree with that wholeheartedly. You can't base your entire life and existence off of one small thing. There is more to life and Faith than that.

I think the second line just confuses me. Of course, just because it says something doesn't mean the truth is told. But just remember that billions upon billions believe in this Fools Gold, including me!

Like Bloodink says, your last line does say to think for yourself and discover what is the faith. What you believe. And I think that we all have to tread in that path many times during our lives. A path of disbelief and suspicion. A path where everything is fool's gold and nothing is the truth. Because there is only one truth, my friend. Just because a book might say something doesn't mean the truth is told, yes. But it doesn't mean the truth isn't told, now does it?

I hope you find what you are looking for, my Captain! It seems as though you are lost right now and don't know what to believe in. Have a great review day! We may prevail yet!
~Timmyjake

Woohoo! Back in the day, poets used to bounce back and forth on each other's poems and to mention them casually in their poem so that there were tons of connections with the poems. So, poetry is this really connected thing! It's nice to see that this is still being done and that you are acting as the poets of old here!

Now... the poem!

This probably sounds lame, but I'm not really a fan of adjectives. Why? Because it makes the writing boring, and this is especially true of religious poems. For instance! We're of different religions, but this was the latest free-verse religious poems that I made (regarding one of the rosary meditations, the sorrowful mysteries): Sorrow. I tried not to use many adjectives at all... instead, I did my best to rely on strong images that had vivid verbs and nouns. Overdramatic? Probably. It is about the Passion, after all! Of course, if you think that I am just being a blow-hard here and passionate about my own poem, I would like to present to you John Donne's Holy Sonnet 14 in which he begs for the Word of God to ravish him. Go ahead, read it! Powerful imagery there!

But, still, there is a whole more imagery than what you have here. Worst yet, the adjectives that you use are absolutely terrible and do not give your subject any help. "Gracious, like bright blue skies"? Uh... since when have bright blue skies been gracious? I suppose it could be interpreted as something else, with enough thought and imagination, but it is such tame imagery that it is a bit boring. "Bumpy, like mountains"? Really? You could describe mountains as many things. John Muir, a famous naturalist, described them as such:

Long, blue, spiky-edged shadows crept out across the snow-fields, while a rosy glow, at first scarce discernible, gradually deepened and suffused every mountain-top, flushing the glaciers and the harsh crags above them. This was the alpenglow, to me the most impressive of all the terrestrial manifestations of God. At the touch of this divine light, the mountains seemed to kindle to a rapt, religious consciousness, and stood hushed like devout worshippers waiting to be blessed.

Jagged, towering, tremendous... all good adjectives to describe mountains. Bumpy? I would describe unpaved roads and teenagers' faces bumpy.

Nonlinear, like ripped paper? Why ripped paper?

And that's the other strange thing... gracious, bumpy, nonlinear seem almost like nonsequitars to what you're trying to say. Is this what the bible is supposed to be for you? I am guessing so, but... it's still such weak imagery! I think you can do better. Perhaps you can reference the actual bible here and use some of those images to reinforce your own and to tie more references into your poem? Maybe?

The part about the lawyer's lies is slightly better, because you have that assonance going on there, and it's an interesting idea, but your description and use of the word "container" kind of makes me squint. Why not "briefcase" or "laptop" or something more descriptive of what a lawyer actually does, isn't of a vague word that means, "something which contains things."

Then, why are you saying that one book can't say anything? I don't think this is what you want to say? Like, clearly, it has words, so it has things that it says, and it can say things. But, it seems that you want to say that it can't mean everything.

Then you say it's illogical... again, you're throwing out adjectives randomly in hopes that it would be poetic. It's not! Say it with imagery!

Holds beauty/ like Fool's Gold is better, but then it would be better to actually talk about Fool's Gold and Pyrite and actually use imagery to describe what you mean so it comes off poetically.

A book might say something? You just contradicted yourself. A container that doesn't have anything in it cannot have something in it. A book that cannot say anything cannot say something.

The truth is told? It seems like instead of just saying this phrase, which is largely unpoetic, and instead talk more about Gold vs Fool's Gold so that you can actually use imagery and poetry to get your point across!

And then... "My thoughts on Religion"? I hope that this isn't part of the poem... it finishes more like a boring essay than an actual poem that has any meaning to it. Besides. Poetry should read like an essay. Part of the fun about writing/reading poetry is that it is artistic and there is allowed to be metaphor and forceful imagery that makes you really think about things. You don't need to apologize for your poem -- in fact, you probably shouldn't. What you put in your poem is something that YOU decided needed to be said. And if something needs to be said, this shouldn't be a problem.

ANYWAY. What this poem looks like to me is just a string of adjectives together to talk about a common thing. It looks more like a brainstorming session for a poem, really, so that you can come up with images that are important to you and understand the themes that you want to put in your poem. But, it does not look like an actual poem to me... more of a rough draft if anything. So, it's a good START, but you need to flesh out the poem and really put the imagery into your poem to make it really zing off the page.

You had a couple of good images that, if you expanded on them, may be very promising for what you intend to say. You talk about lawyer's lies, for instance. It might be fun to write a poem, written in a legalistic parody, talking about the nature of all the rules and doctrines that religions must follow, and then towards the end, you can manufacture the legalistic aspect exploding into passion about how there is more than pages and words to life itself. So, that's one really promising avenue.

The fool's gold is also really promising, because you can personify the fool's gold into pretending to be like gold and having a huge rush to get the gold (like, a gold rush, except fake) and have everyone eventually disappointed... whereas you, the narrator, find a tiny nugget of gold in a lake and preciously carry it back. Or, you can make it about how people are crazily running after anything that looks gold and have it end on you looking at something golden -- a sunset, maybe? -- so that the end message is that this search for this gold is not really what is necessary. And twist it so that it's more about how crazy people go to flock over religion and go crazy about it.

I don't know! You're the author! But, you have plenty of wonderful images that you can turn into great poetry that has conflict and imagery and can create lots of awesome controversy! As it is now? It's kind of a vague thing that isn't clear. And you want to make it sing out.

Good luck and happy editing!