z

Young Writers Society



NYNYLVNV

by Willard


Intimacy is an icky thing;
I kinda like it.

From the first time I sold my blood
to a "neo"-street surgeon
behind a local diner
to now, moments after
knocking out a kid
for skipping in front of me
in the line for Skiball.

                                                          

                                                                "nana! boo boo! stick your head in do-"
                                                                 whack.

I've been sleeping alone in a hotel room
for five days straight,
at the "New York, New York,"
in Las Vegas, Nevada.

And sometimes I'll trace
pen markings on my arm
with my fingers,
Fox News blasting
two doors down,
wondering two things--

                                   1. Who the hell reads
                                       Nicolas Sparks books
                                       for quality?

2. If you think there's a shine to this.

Life isn't polished
(and neither of us are bald),
but I enjoy feeling your whisper
on my right ear.
                         fingers tapping on my knees.
                                                                      small things in general.

But do you also dance around to
your non-existent Gods
and exclaim,

"Holy hell,
life can be rad!"

?

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1081 Reviews

Points: 220
Reviews: 1081

Donate
Sun Mar 05, 2017 4:48 am
View Likes
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla dropping in for a review, as I said I would!

I haven't seen your poetry around in awhile, so I'm happy to be reviewing and looking through it. In a way, I agree with ScytheMeister in that the first line doesn't have the best delivery, especially with the italics on the word 'kinda'. At the same time, I think that the line works, but perhaps you should remove the italics from it or try and play around with it a bit. Your structure on this one is a bit of a mess, but I don't mind it all that much. It seems to be another one of your poems, but it doesn't really do a whole lot new.

It feels a little silly, especially with the two lines after the first stanza, but that's to be expected. That's kind of how I felt about the whole poem, but that's not to say that it's bad. I found there to be some truth in this set of lines, though I was also kind of wondering afterwards, "What would they be reading them for, anyway?"

1. Who the hell reads
Nicolas Sparks books
for quality?


The second thing isn't really something that can be wondered, and I suggest reworking it if you want to keep the line 'wondering two things--'. It's just more of a common sense thing than anything else. The line 'If you think there's a shine to this.' gets cut off before it can end, and I was a little bit disappointed by this because I think the lines that follow are the strongest of the poem. I kind of see how the speaker is wondering with the question mark at the end, but it feels a little bit too dragged out to be that and I would have liked to see it in a more condensed form in terms of wondering or asking a question.

Something that I would have liked to see more of overall is a focus, because the poem often jumps from thing to thing rather carelessly and I wanted to see more meaning and care put into the poem. The tiny puns or other things that make the piece so much stronger and better when you end up noticing them. For your work, the poem lacked a structure, and I think the best way to describe it is free-flowing. Some will find this to be a positive thing, some will not. I hate feeling like I 'don't get it' with your poetry, and it's hard to tell between whether you have some sort of ultimate plan or theme that only some will get or if you just has a lack of focus.

I hope I helped and have a great day! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!




User avatar
364 Reviews

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

Donate
Sat Mar 04, 2017 11:48 pm
View Likes
zaminami wrote a review...



I was a little confused about this. Does the character start off as a teenager that made a bad decision involving intimacy and end as an adult who feels the same way as his teenager self? (I agree with @scythemeister in that this poem is a bit confusing)

And I agree with you. Exactly who reads Nicolas Sparks books for quality?

Your poem structure and topic reminds me of Ellen Hopkins's book "Tilt". Did you read it and get inspired to write this or something? Just asking.

Hope this helped!--

Kara




Willard says...


Hey!

As explained below in a response to their review, the narrator is the same age throughout. It's just my writing style.

About the Ellen Hopkins thing, she's honestly one of my more least favorite authors, so that made me chuckle.



zaminami says...


@Willard -

Oh okay. I was confused. Thx for clearing it up.

But seriously it does look like Ellen Hopkins XD

Otherwise you're a good poet.

--

Kara Stevens



Random avatar

Points: 0
Reviews: 75

Donate
Sat Mar 04, 2017 1:49 am
MeisterChan wrote a review...



Hey, Willard! It's ScytheMeister here for a quick review :D

First of all, the format sort of confused me. The genre of writing is poetry, right? However, the way you have written this poem appears to be more script-like than poetry. Not only that, I feel like a poem should have a strict structure to its writing, you wrote something like a story which had a tad too much detail.

I could tell that the person must perhaps be a child from "Intimacy is an icky thing;" — where you use "Icky", a very 'child' like word. And also, "nana! boo boo! stick your head in do-" whack."

But at the end of the poem, you make it seem like the person is older, especially when you refer to them being alone in a hotel room and the way they have mature thoughts.

Furthermore, your first line "Intimacy is an icky thing; I kinda like it" did not live up to what it was expected to do. The poem fails to mention anything remotely intimate. The poem just trails off into different, mixed stories.

I hope to read more of your work! :)

Keep writing <3

- ScytheMeister




Willard says...


Hey!

I originally wasn't going to respond to this review, however I do want to clear some things up. I apologize if this comes off as rude, as I do not intend that in any way. (Plus I already owe an explanation of this poem to someone so I'm killing two birds with one stone).

I'd like to support the idea that poetry should be able to free. By enforcing a strict structure, there isn't that much room for experimentation and for the poet to speak their voice. It's like music, not every song necessarily follows the pop song structure. I purposely wrote an awkward poem, possibly a little bit too awkward, to portray how I feel. A short story based all on absurd metaphor wouldn't work too well.

As for the opening line, the whole poem is based on the idea of intimacy or unrequited love. The narrator opens the poem up by admitting he's not huge on intimacy, however he kind of enjoys it. He then follows that up with two extreme examples that aren't really moments of intimacy, but instead examples of how reckless he can be and how far he is from affection.

The third stanza hints at his self-imposed isolation. He's been by himself for five days straight at the New York, New York in Las Vegas, Nevada. One of the loneliest hotels in the city that practically defines heartlessness. Really the affection he gets during this time of alienation is from himself, simply tracing pen markings he made on his arm. He then proceeds to question two things.

1.) Why do people read Nicolas Sparks books when they're unrealistic portrayals of romance?

2.) Does the person he enjoy enjoy him too?

It's like he's crooning. He knows that life isn't perfect, yet he likes it when the person gives him attention. Small things, whether it'd be tapping his knee or even speaking into his ear. But he's not sure if the other person enjoys him much. It's a flash of uncertainty and insecurity. So he asks her if she screams to the sky in tears of joy, feeling the enthusiasm he also feels.

In a sense, it is loosely strung together and doesn't blatantly say its goals. That's the point of poetry, though! You're allowed to experiment and try out different methods of writing. As an immature sixteen year old, I say words like "icky" and "yo" because that is a part of my diction. That is part of my voice. We all speak different languages.



User avatar


Points: 34
Reviews: 4

Donate
Fri Mar 03, 2017 9:24 pm
LonelyStar wrote a review...



OK so I don't know if I completely understand what's going on I kind of got confused in some sections... But maybe that's just me also the format is a little wonkey but it might just be my phone messing up. Anyways I just feel that it skips around allot and could use some flow. I liked how it started I felt it hard core, but maybe use a different word then icky? Also why did you say "New York, New York"? Was that the name? Overall I really liked some parts I just think it needs some flow and maybe a fix of some grammar errors. Good job and good luck. I hope to read more from you.





If you want something badly, you just gotta believe it's gonna work out.
— Andy, Parks & Rec