We hold each others hands
in a tight clutch close to our bodies
as we wait for acid to rain down
and for the world to fall apart.
Through you, with you,
I see only life and art and love,
cheesy soliloquies from tragedies,
and anxiety filled butterflies.
Soon we will create mutilation art together,
a blood splattered Mona Lisa
underneath bunk beds
and over hiding spots.
I look into daisy eyes and a gloomy sky,
I mutter a goodbye as the train starts leaving,
because as we've spent all that time bleeding,
it's about time one of us started dying.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
So poetry two ways makes me give a thumbs-up, but my thumb is busy fidgeting with my stim ring so just accept that I appreciate it.
That said, without the historical context of the title that will send folks to Michael Googlé, this is a fairly generic love and death, have and lose scenario, albeit eloquent and fluid. You've got an eye descriptor that probably hits my top ten of all time, so, you know, thanks for the daisies.
Line four is Weaksauce McFlannigan compared to the remainder of your material. Line eight is leagues ahead by comparison. Pause to remark that each of the four, less-so the third, stanzas seem capable of standing on their own, but still benefit from one another. But partially because of this, you encounter the same problem that I had with a poem that you wrote much more recently (tiiiime warp agaiiiiin) wherein the flow between stanzas is curiously rocky. It's like you're a very brilliant architect, but also very angry at the corporation you're contracting for, so you make the final step into the building 1/4" steeper than the rest, resulting in multitudes tripping into eternity.
So your historical face lets the sads be had. Even so, the final stanza, and even moreso in the historical (consider it the black/white version) leaves a great longing after something that has escaped, be it love, life, or humanity.
Anyway here's Wonderwall.
Ty
Lumi, I am so incredibly thankful for your reviews. I hope you're doing well.
Review time!
This is a rather dark poem. And I LOVE it. I can definitely tell where this is coming from, I read Night not too long ago. The slowly darkening words are a good effect, it left me chills by the last line. I feel like there could have been more though, to give it a slower dip down.
I don't see any errors, looks good to me!
Keep it up!