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The hills

And the skies

And your deep dark eyes

Were flat

And full of lies

The words

The sounds

The empty towns

Were fake

Rotted and brown

And before me

They all fell down

I fell to the ground

Everything I believed in

Everything I knew

Was flat

It was never the truth

Comments & reviews · 5
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Wow. This is such a deep poem, and so subtle in its meaning. I reread it quite a few times just to get the full effect. It's amazing that such a short piece can evoke such a strong feeling. I really love the way that you phrased everything, it feels disjointed but in a good way, it works very well with the poem.

My only critique is that I think you should cut the final line, "It was never the truth." I feel like we can already get that from the rest of the poem, and it just becomes a bit unnecessary. It would be stronger to end with the word you had started with in the title.

I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much for writing!

User avatar
ulala8
Review
ulala8 wrote a review · Sun Dec 29, 2013 9:02 pm

This was a very moving piece of poetry. The rhyming really helped to solidify it and it drew in my attention pretty quickly. I'm a big fan of rhyming after all. There are many poems that have end rhyme just for the sake of having end rhyme, and your poem doesn't come anywhere near that. Your poem is in the ranks of Poe in my book! Bravo!

Since this poem is titled "Flat", I suggest that you make every letter lowercase. This simply to make everything flat in your poem.

This is a near perfect poem! I applaud you! Thank you for this poem and good luck!

User avatar
Panda11
Review
Panda11 wrote a review · Sun Dec 29, 2013 8:58 pm

Very very nice, i did not really feel the "Meaning" of this though, it hit me afterward. but not right at the first sentience, witch is what you want, so that the reader wants to (review) read all of it. very nice, and i will be looking at more of your works, so do not be surprised if i show up randomly XD

i also think that the stanzas need to be more... stanzaie?

like:
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if you get what i mean <;

User avatar
farahmasud
Review

I have been moved by your words. One can truly feel the severity of the pain and hopelessness that the writer has portrayed with such simplicity. There was no use of complex vocabulary which might come as a turn-off for some. But to me, it felt so pure. It is truthful and raw. Plain words thrown upon the reader with such force. Brilliant job. Great poetry!

Thank you! That means a lot to me!

User avatar
heclgehog
Review

This was a very dramatic poem. Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just that typically most poetry is a bit silly so it's refreshing to see something a bit serious every once in a while. I feel like there was not very unique description though. It just seemed like colors and senses, it didn't flow together. Adding stanzas will also help this piece flow a bit better too. Since it was all together I had a hard time telling the different ideas apart. If you do some work on this it will be a lot better.

Thank you for your creative construction, I appreciate it a lot c:



It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore