Published July 24, 2006
The Firefly’s Glow
Do you remember
The fireflies that danced
Between our hands,
Tantalizing us with their glow?
How we ran than night,
Dashing through the meadow
Like tameless spirits,
Chasing those fireflies
Until they lost their glow.
Do you remember
The squishy sand
Between our fingers
As we built sandcastles?
How we cried that night
Yearning for lost hope
In our shattered childhood,
Building those castles
Until they toppled from bruises.
Do you remember
The night that ended
All of your pain,
Leaving me in a shadow of grief?
How I died that night
My heart ripped in shreds
With the thought of facing
That man alone
Until you rescue me.
Now, sister, sister,
As I lie here alone, forgotten,
I recall those sandcastles
That we built
With the fabricated hope of relief
From the stench of death
Suddenly-a flash of light.
I smile.
I rise up, take your hand,
And we walk together
Toward the firefly’s glow.
-For all the victims of abuse
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
oh, brad liked the poem? Props for Marenka!
Is it just me or should this be, "How we ran that night"?I really liked it, but honestly I didn't know and wasn't sure it was about abuse until the little message =/
IMO, A lot of these lines should be questions, and they aren't.
I didn't like this stanza. Some of the words used were, for the lack of better description, "emo". Pain is such a vague word, too. "all of your torture" better, yes? I know you can go through this and be more specific, and beautiful. So, clean it up ^^
Otherwise, I think this is my favorite so far.
I relally liked it. But I noticed towards teh end you seemed to lose some of your rhtym. Then in the last stanza you got it back. Way to go
this is great. i really can't think of anything to say that hasn't already been said. i can't wait to see the revised version! as for a magazine... what about "teen ink"?
This is such an amazing, heartflelt poem. Although I agree with Brad, some of the lines were a little cliche, I don't think it really matters, because this poeem has such an alluring ending
Wiggy--
(A return to this...)
Did you consider this without the last strophe? In my first analysis, I felt like the third stanza was the problem; now I think cutting either one will work to the poem's advantage.
It's an interesting piece with the treatment of the dagger hilt, and a wry twist at the end of S3. The current melancholy that now closes the piece also weakens it. You've already introduced a surprise at the end of S3 and S4, as it were, is rather anticlimactic.
Dropping either S3 or S4 will increase the value of the poem, but dropping S3 leaves you with S4, which currently reads as a desperate plea for readers not to be harsh on your poem because it's "sensitive." Not that this was your intention, just how it strikes me.
It was worth the second read.
Best,
Brad
This was really nice, Wiggy! It read great, it was nicely worded and it flowed. But perhaps it ended just a little abruptly? I was sort of expecting more - it seems to short as it is.
But pretty images all the same. Dramatic. ^_^
I really really really do like this poem. Like Brad said, it's awesome that it has some meaning out of the norm for this site.
However...I have a small problem with your first stanza.
That said, I have no idea what it is haha. When you read it outloud to yourself, it just sounds funny. Like it's jarred. This and the next stanze have a good rhythm, but for some reason the second just sounds better than the first. I think it's in the beginning. Or maybe it's the 'glow' repetition. I'm not really sure.
I know at this point I've been so incredibly helpful haha, but maybe you can look it over and notice it yourself and figure out how to fix it!
Otherwise, solid work!!
This seemed very heartfelt. It flowed well and had strong imagery. If you make the revisions that people have suggested, I think it's likely you could get this published. There's a magazine called "Teen Ink" which, as the title suggests, publishes work by teens. I'm sure there are many other similar publications. You should most definitely submit this to something. Don't be discouraged if one magazine rejects it, just see if somwhere else will accept it!
Good luck!
Emotional...... and the imagery is powerful. The reptition of the word "glow" is a little boring but I'm sure you can think of an alternative word?
Well done, I'm printing this out and putting it with my collection of YWS poems on my wall.
Amazing. (send it to a mag!!!!)
lexy x
Thanks guys. You all rock.
I'll prolly end up scrapping the third stanza or just rewriting it so at least there's some bridge between the second and fourth stanzas.
This poem seems to encompass all the elements needed for a "good" poem: your figurative language is superb, and the words appear emotionally charged. I would agree with the reviews before mine that the third stanza ruined it for me. It is a bit harsh, and sticks out like a sore thumb in the middle of an overly pleasant poem. I would recommend you think over rewriting that bit, even if it's not immediately. Usually I write my best if I let it sit for awhile and then pick it up a bit later.
Good luck to you!
i really liked it, it seems as though you put a lot of emotion into it, instead of just writing down something that doesn't mean anything to you. well done
Yay-Brad liked my poem!!!! *breathes out* I always love when that happens!
And Pros-thanks for the crit. I really need to rev up this poem. XD
I haven't read this over for awhile-and I did today. I totally agree about the third stanza! I can't believe I wrote something that angsty...
I'll make the improvements and will hopefully get them posted soon!
Wiggy,
It's refreshing to see an attempt to write something with purpose.
S3 could be posted on any teen-angst website, and it would be indistinguishable from all the other swill that puddles there. Lobotomize it.
Otherwise, a sound piece with room for improvement which those before me have already suggested.
Take care,
Brad
Wiggy! What a lovely poem. That was fantastic. Interesting topic.
- This should be, the or that, I'm supposing.There were a few grammatical errors that I saw.
1)
I agree with MH.
As I said, magnificent. I loved it. I WILL read more of your work.
Thanks rose! I appreciate all of your crits-you guys are sooo sweet! *huggles all who critted*
Wiggy
Nice job! I'm relieved that this poem isn't about a long lost love and is instead about a sister.
Since poetry is not a particular favorite of mine, I find it a relief to find a poem that doesn't make me gag.
Since I find that this is not just another one of those, "I loved him and he left me. *sob, sob*" poems, I find it a delightful read, though the topic is dark.
I enjoy it because it's real and that's exactly what poetry should be.
Keep up the good work!
POKE
aha
very nice indeed
as mentioned above it sounds great when read out loud
but there's only one thing that bothered me
the repeating of the word glow here...I personally can't think of something to replace it..bur I'm sure you can
This is an enjoyable poem, very nice imagry but there was quite a few cliched refrences. 'Heart ripped to shreds' 'shadow of greif' 'dancing fireflies' although they aren't really that cliched. And also like it was said before 'bruises' is very blunt and stops the flow of the poem.
Their were also alot of simple typos that became a little annoying.
This stanza seems to me to say that your sister commited suicide but then the last line says she rescued you...I am not sure how she could do that if she had commited suicide. And 'With the thought of facing/
That man alone ' Who is this man? I know it is hard to elaborate in a poem but for a reader this makes me stop and think "Dad, boyfriend, brother..?"
But all in all I enjoyed this poem, it needs some moderete tweakings but it is very nice.
Does anyone know of any good magazines this could be submitted to?
Thanks chevy! That's a good idea for combining lines. Thanks!
I agree with Jack..."bruises" was a bit blunt.
However, I really loved the poem...I actually thought it picked up when you got to the last stanza, except for this part:
"I recall those sandcastles
That we built "
seems like it should have been one line without the "that."
Other than that...good job. Better than I could ever do.
I tried to tweak it. I think I did okay. strikethrough means 'take it out' and italicized is what I added.
Thanks Jack-I'll work on it.
The first two stanzas have impressive rhythm -- when reading it out loud, it sounded really good. The first stanza is the best of the whole poem, and the standard you want to be aiming for, because it seems to drop as the poem goes on.
"bruises" is a bit too blunt, and doesn't really fit in with your analogy (how exactly does a sandcastle, metaphorical or nay, get toppled by a bruise?). You need to continue with the metaphor and be more sublte in your word choice -- "bruises" basically just says -- "this is an abuse poem" in big capital letters. Let the readers work things out for themselves.
This stanza ruins the poem for me. While I enjoyed the first two greatly, this stanza is full of useless cliches -- "heart ripped to shreds" and all that doesn't work for me. You really need to re-write this whole stanza, it has no real meaning and doesn't add much to the poem. Sorry to be harsh, I'm just very anti-cliche, lol, expecially in poetry.
You have a good, happy ending, which I liked, and the fourt stanza is okay, but the third stanza is what you really need to rewrite.
Good work though!