z

Young Writers Society



My first story (in a long time)

by Whyte-Boi


Well this is my story, it has no title umm kind of a spontaneous thing. my friend asked me to write a story about her because she was bored, so um yeh enjoy (i hope)

It was a dark night at the lake, as the silvery glow of the moon shimmered across the water, everything was still.

Brittany was out for a walk as she normally was at around this time; she enjoyed the peace and serenity of the gentle winter breeze brushing against her.

She was about half a kilometer from the house she and her family had rented for the weekend when it started to rain. At first it was only a few soft sprinkles, but soon it picked up.

The clouds had seemed to come from nowhere and pretty soon lightning was tearing at the sky. Brittany rushed for the shelter of a large nearby tree.

Soaking wet from the storm she huddled up next to the trunk, in the hope the rain would pass just a quickly as it had come.

A few minutes passed, with no end of the storm in sight she decided to try make it home. "If I move from tree to tree quickly I should be all right" she whispered to herself, at that moment she heard the sound of running footsteps behind her. As she spun around to see what was making the noise, Brittany found herself face to face with a handsome young man. Drenched in rain, with barely any breath in his lungs the young man raised his head to see a speechless Brittany staring at him. "Oh I’m sorry" he said "this storm came out of nowhere".

He brushed off his coat and sat down in the dirt by the tree, "I’m Aaron" he said.

Shivering from the rain, she replied "I.. I'm Brittany".

Aaron stood up, removed his jacket, and placed it over her shoulders. "Here," he said "you need it more then I do.” "Where do you live?" he asked. "In the city, me and my family came down here for the weekend. We wanted to get away from it all." “I know what you mean," Aaron said, "it’s truly beautiful here”.

Brittany and Aaron both sat down by the tree and began talking to each other. After a while Brittany shuffled closer to Aaron and rested her head on his shoulder. While she was lying on him she forgot all about the storm and how cold she was. They continued to talk, hours went by, the rain had stopped and the moon had returned, shining brighter then before.

They eventually stopped talking, just enjoying each others company, they laid there on the ground, staring up through the leaves at the shining moonlight, a small cloud floated by and covered the moon completely. She moved her head onto his chest, the gentle sound of his beating heart, made her mind drift off, and she found herself falling asleep.

The sun rose up over the mountains the next morning and Brittany woke to the sound of the lake rippling as it washed onto the shore. She looked around to see Aaron lying there watching the sun make its way over the mountains, “good morning, beautiful” he said, Noticing Brittany moving around, “good morning.” She replied, “What time is it?” “I’m not sure” he said “pretty early I think.”

“I’m leaving today.” Brittany said. “The weekend is over, I have to go back home.” “I know” he said, “I wish it would never end.” “I hope we can see each other again,” Brittany replied with a sense of hope in her voice. “We might be coming back next year.” Aaron didn’t say anything but a gentle smile came across his face. He stood up and made his way over to Brittany, he looked into her gorgeous eyes, moved closer and gave her a quick, but passionate kiss. Brittany began to get butterflies. She walked off speechless, with a big smile on her face. In the car on the ride back to the city, she knew, she would always remember the night she spent at the lake. She held something close to herself on the ride home, Aaron’s coat. She knew that she would always love him from that moment on.

A year passed and Brittany’s family returned to the lake. Wearing Aaron’s jacket, the first thing she did was return to the tree, the same tree she thought of every time it started raining. It was exactly how she remembered, except for one thing, she went over to the trunk and saw a carving, in-graved in the bark were the words “Aaron + Brittany 4ever.” Just as on that night, Brittany heard footsteps behind her. She turned around to see Aaron walking over to the tree. “The jacket looks better on you.” He said. Without saying a word Brittany ran over to him, wrapped her arms around his and kissed him. She didn’t need to say anything.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.






You can earn up to 186 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.

Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
537 Reviews

Points: 60568
Reviews: 537

Donate
Sun Jun 07, 2009 6:10 pm
Evi wrote a review...



Hey Whyte, welcome to YWS! ^^ Quick note-- one of the site's main rules is that you have to post at least two reviews on someone else's writing for every one thing you post. So, because you've posted this story, you'll need to give some comments on something else on YWS. :wink:

It was a dark night at the lake, as the silvery glow of the moon shimmered across the water, everything was still.


I really like this description as a first sentence, but there are some minor grammatical things. For this to make sense, you'll need to rephrase it as one of the following:

It was a dark night at the lake, and as the silvery glow of the moon shimmered across the water, everything was still.

-or-

It was a dark night at the lake, as the silvery glow of the moon shimmered across the water. Everything was still.

I, personally, like the second option a bit more. ^^ But, it's your choice.

He brushed off his coat and sat down in the dirt by the tree, "I’m Aaron" he said.
Shivering from the rain, she replied "I.. I'm Brittany".
Aaron stood up, removed his jacket, and placed it over her shoulders. "Here," he said "you need it more then I do.” "Where do you live?" he asked. "In the city, me and my family came down here for the weekend. We wanted to get away from it all." “I know what you mean," Aaron said, "it’s truly beautiful here”.


Alright, quick grammar check-up:

Check out this article on punctuation within dialogue, okay? You're missing commas and such between your quotation marks.

Secondly, whenever you have a new person speaking, you have to start a new paragraph. For example, with your story, it would be written like this:

He brushed off his coat and sat down in the dirt by the tree. "I'm Aaron," he said.
Shivering from the rain, she replied, "I...I'm Brittany."
Aaron stood up, removed his jacket, and placed it over her shoulders. "Here," he said, "you need it more than I do. Where do you live?" he asked.
"In the city. My family and I came down here for the weekend. We wanted to get away from it all."
"I know what you mean," Aaron said. "It's truly beautiful here."

See the way I started a new paragraph with each new dialogue? PM me if you need more help with that.

:arrow: Believability

Alright. I think this was written pretty well, but I'm having an issue with your plot-line here. It's just really far-fetched and unbelievable. Think about it: a girl goes under a tree during a storm (which is, actually, a really bad idea since lightning will strike the tallest thing around, and therefore strike the tree, which might get her electrocuted) and meets her true love under the moonlight. They share a passionate kiss (after knowing each other for only a couple of hours) and then Brittany spends the entire next year fantasizing about a guy whose last name she doesn't even know.

:?

Now, why it's a beautiful concept, the whole 'love at first sight' thing, it's rather unrealistic. Your readers want to read something they can connect with, and I think you're missing a bit of that here. Aaron and Brittany's relationship would be so much easier to relate to without the passionate kiss, or maybe with him, instead, writing his phone number on a piece of paper right before she leaves. Add a twist, maybe-- have her drop his jacket in the mud and become really embarrassed, or something like that. Put yourself in Brittany's situation: would you really curl up against and fall asleep under the stars with someone you've never met before, who happens to seem friendly?

Just work on making this more believable, and I think you'll have a wonderfully cute love story. :wink:

:arrow: Descriptions-- Show, don't Tell

One thing that you'll see repeated over and over again in reviews on this site is the advice to show, don't tell. Well, you ask, what's the difference?

The clouds had seemed to come from nowhere and pretty soon lightning was tearing at the sky. Brittany rushed for the shelter of a large nearby tree.
Soaking wet from the storm she huddled up next to the trunk, in the hope the rain would pass just a quickly as it had come.


While this is some perfectly fine telling about the action in a scene, actually showing the emotions and the descriptions would make this really interesting. I'll just give you an example of how you could go about this, although you should certainly figure out your own way to add that extra OOMPH:

The clouds descended from nowhere, suffocating the sky so that the lightning had to tear through the gray blanket in ordet to strike. She looked up, grimacing. By the time I get home, she thought worriedly, the storm will be disastrous. Huge. Squinting through the missles of rain, she rushed for the shelter of a nearby tree.

Soaking wet from the storm, she huddled up next to the massive trunk of the three, shivering, muddy, and exhausted. One more glance towards the sky, and she hoped the rain would pass as quickly as it had come.

Now, that's certainly not the best way to do that, but see how it went a bit beyond just telling how she felt to showing what was happening around her?

All in all, a nice little love story. If you worked a bit on your believability and description, this will be great!

PM me for anything. 8)

~Evi





Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green