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Young Writers Society



Not Yet....

by IzzyIsHappy


I look at my pills across the room and think...if I swallow a whole bottle I will be dead within an hour….Is that what I want? To die to leave to not feel anymore. I could just take the pain away for a little bit, slice my skin open and I start to cry...my tears stream down my cheeks and I sob quietly. It's four in the morning. I should be asleep. I take a few deep breaths and pick up my razors. I close my eyes and push hard against my skin...the metal bites me and I feel the release of my emotions as I watch the blood pool in the thin line. What have I done? I’m in so much pain that I need to hurt myself in order to survive? I like the pain, the feeling of relief. I need to stop...but can I ever? My phone dings with a message from one of my online friends and I answer it to see a snapchat saying he loves me and hopes my night is going okay...I sigh and start typing. He responds immediately and says I need to tell my parents. I nod, then realize he can’t see me, and say goodnight. I lay back in my bed and listen to Twenty One Pilots “Truce” play on my phone...I will not die tonight...I will not die….

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119 Reviews

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Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:20 pm
Clairia wrote a review...



Hello, WhosabellCanWrite! Ghost here for a review.

Please don't hate me, I mean no harm, even though Carine wants to murder all of humankind--I mean what

At first glance, I was very concerned for your personal health, but I'm very glad you're doing better. I wouldn't want anyone to suffer from something so horrible as suicidal thoughts, and wouldn't wish it even on Hades himself. (Even though he's already dead)

On a more happy note, I think your description is good! You've got some places where it's a little off, but I think a few touch-ups would do the trick nicely. For example:

I could just take away the pain a little bit, slice my skin open and I start to cry...


I didn't really understand that, and it threw me off a little bit. Could you possibly elaborate for me?

(If you can't, I totally get it. It may just be me.)

I enjoyed imagery that you used, such as:

...the metal bites me
(As stated by @Snazzy)

On that note, you used '...' a lot, when you could have ended the sentence there or put a comma.

A couple of other lines that confused me:

...as I watch the blood pool in the thin line.


I like the pain, the feeling of relief

(I thought you hated the pain?)

I'm in so much pain that I need to hurt myself in order to survive?

(I don't get the question.)

I hope this review helped, and if you have any questions, I'll be happy to answer!

Ghost




IzzyIsHappy says...


I know I use ellipses wayyy too much. I'm working on it. Thank You for the review!!



Clairia says...


You're quite welcome!



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Tue Nov 07, 2017 6:41 pm
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IzzyIsHappy says...



I have to say to you guys, I HAVE gotten help. I’m going to therapy and I went to the hospital and got the help I need. But THANK YOU for the support! It means the world to me that you guys care so much!




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Tue Nov 07, 2017 5:41 pm
Snazzy wrote a review...



Hello!
I haven't written a review in a LONG while, but I'm hoping to start reviewing regularly again. (Sorry in advance.)

More imagery I think could help in selling your theme and the emotion that's already present in the piece. The

the metal bites me
is a good example of some of the imagery I'd like to see more of.

What have I done?


I LOVE this, however, I think it could be emphasized with different punctuation/italicization. For example, instead of "What have I done?", you could write "What have I done?". Even the slightest difference can help! Another note on this, is that I'd like you to clarify and explain just a little more. I can understand why the author couldn't understand what they had just done, but I think more clarification would help. (Such as explaining that it may have been an out of body experience, or the author couldn't believe that they resorted to self-harm.)

On a side grammar note, I think you over use the ellipses (...) in this work. They're typically used to omit words without altering the meaning of the sentence, or (and I think a larger amount of writers do this?) to represent a point of suspension - or a trail off in dialogue. So, I think you can replace several of these ellipses (...) with just a period or another form of punctuation. It's effective, but only when used in moderation.

Anyway, overall a lot of good emotion was evoked! Good job, and please keep writing!

-Snazzy

Spoiler! :
I also agree with Radrook - I'm concerned for your safety, and believe you need to get help from someone, as most of us on YWS aren't doctors. I hope you continue feeling better. <3 We're all here for you, and we love you.




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Tue Nov 07, 2017 3:18 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Your composition does very effectively convey a genuine desperation without telling the reader exactly why you feel that way.

As a reader I came away very concerned about your safety and convinced that you need professional help. That is of course assuming that this isn't fiction. So if that is the composition's intention, you succeeded with flying colors.

BTW


You are right, taking one's own life in order to escape problems isn't easy. The reason is that life is something that we normally cherish no matter how much pain we might be in. There is also the terror of the all engulfing suffocating never-ending blackness of nonexistence in which we were once in prior to being born. Do we really want to return there?


Then there are the religious beliefs that those who commit suicide wind up worse than if they had remained alive because in the place they are supposedly going, they won't be able to escape by taking their own lives. As human beings we worry about such things and at the end of the day we might conclude that being alive even though in pain isn't so bad in comparison after all.




IzzyIsHappy says...


Wow thank you for the review. I agree with what you say. And I have looked into it (the religious beliefs) for moral reasons. Sometimes, I feel like nothingness would be better than what I feel now. But I am doing a lot better. This is a true story.




she slept with wolves without fear, for the wolves knew there was a lion among them.
— r.m. drake