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141,715 Literary Works • 675,602 Reviews
Hey there!
I am not a romance fan, at all, but I loved this. I thought you captured the spirit of "love (or in this case, attraction) at first sight, along with those little things, such as touching. I didn't find any spelling or grammar errors, so good for you on that. I did think your flow was interrupted with off and on, such as with "chocolate melts away into a sigh". I think this line is kind of unnecessary, and seems a bit out of place. I feel these lines sound a bit awkward
"Eyes point down from the sun as red seeps onto your cheeks.
And then into mine." I feel that the two lines are seperate, not really connected as they should be.
"The scent of industrial..." To me, this needs to be finished. The scent of industrial what? Industrial seems a bit vague. Overall, nice.
~Epic