Untitled about London bombings

by Whatsarahsaid
  • October 1, 2005
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

This does not make allowances for the people who caused this terrible crime. I hope to try and understand.


He had to be strong, he had to do this
Guilt clung to his sweating body, seeping through his clothing.
He brushed it aside
Revenge was on his side, it bound him tighter
Tighter still
Body climbed onto the rumbling monster,
Soul began to emerge
He made no eye-contact, and pressed the detonator
Hunks of metal, the stench of death
Soul escaped and drifted, upwards
Lives were crushed, mothers wept
A point had been made
Four friends, twenty-four hours, a day to be remembered
Fatherless children, his child among them
He had watched him sleep
The world was awoken,
He awoke to paradise
A new dawn

Comments & reviews · 6
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xanthan gum
Review
xanthan gum wrote a review · Thu Aug 31, 2006 4:05 pm

He had to be strong, he had to do this
Guilt clung to his sweating body, seeping through his clothing.
He brushed it aside

he did this, he did that. Vary the sentance structure

Revenge was on his side, it bound him tighter
Tighter still
Body climbed onto the rumbling monster,
Soul began to emerge

"souls", do you mean? Who's soul? Where?

He made no eye-contact, and pressed the detonator
Hunks of metal, the stench of death
Soul escaped and drifted, upwards

Again, here, I think you mean "souls".

Lives were crushed, mothers wept

The entire "mother weeping" thing is used far too often. It doesn't touch a nerve anymore. To make the grief more moving, you could use something more original.

A point had been made
Four friends, twenty-four hours, a day to be remembered
Fatherless children, his child among them
He had watched him sleep
The world was awoken,
He awoke to paradise
A new dawn


Nice ending, even if it led off of the main point a bit. This is a good poem, and it was made on an issue that needed to be addressed, I believe.

User avatar
Whatsarahsaid
Comment
Whatsarahsaid commented · Thu Aug 31, 2006 2:54 pm

Personally, I didn't think I was making a political statement with this peice, strictly trying to convey the inhumanity the men possessed. I also was trying to look at the arguemt from the other side, but I believe the poem is very anti extremist.

I don't sympathise with terror.


Much love
AliceXoxoxo

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Jennafina
Review
Jennafina wrote a review · Mon Oct 03, 2005 1:20 am

I like it! Only, one thin.

Guilt clung to his sweating body, seeping through his clothing.
He brushed it aside
Revenge was on his side, it bound him tighter

I love the first description, but the side sound is made twice. aside, and on his side.

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electricbluemonkey
Comment
electricbluemonkey commented · Mon Oct 03, 2005 1:04 am

Although I didn't really agree with the points you made, this was pretty good. Impressive and expressive.

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sabradan
Comment
sabradan commented · Sun Oct 02, 2005 7:46 pm

While I don't agree with the political connotations of the peice, it is very expressive and well done. GOOD JOB!

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Sohini
Comment
Sohini commented · Sun Oct 02, 2005 4:28 am

VERY EXPRESSIVE AND REALLY GOOD. THE ONES WHO BOMBED LONDON SHOULD READ THIS.



I'll admit the two turtle doves are growing on me, but there are ten birds in this house already and we both know geese are feathered bioweapons of mass destruction.
— Silvern