Beguiled one: come to me.
Let me wrought your lips upon mine.
Destiny's child has come again.
Waiting solemnly for companionship.
Wretched Soul: whisper my name.
Strike my face with thy hand.
Bruise my cheek and cut my lip.
Thou hatred shall not reflect thee.
Whorish one: cast thou spell.
Entrance me with thou sea-blue eyes.
Sleep with me at nightfall.
Sleep with another by morn.
Heartless Challenge: Walk away.
Thou fight is nevermore.
Run from the distant gallowed hills.
Stand before me - And fall away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, wesman16! Welcome to YWS! I've come to review your poem!
"wrought" is an adjective, and you need a verb here. Instead of wrought, try fuse, forge, smelter, etc. There are lots of ways to say what you're trying to.I quite like the narrative that this tells: the story of someone entranced by a beautiful yet fleeting person.
That being said, there are quite a few things that you should consider changing to make this more pleasant to read.
First of all, let me direct you to this article: Capitalization in Poetry by Aley. This outlines a lot of what I would say about your capitalization choices. I don't usually mention the capitalization in poetry, but I'm not sure that it's quite working here, as poetry that has the start of each line capitalized usually is structured and/or rhymes.
You don't have to have punctuation at the end of each line, and in this poem, it makes it feel choppy. Try punctuating this like you would prose.
I don't know if anyone's ever told you this, but there aren't really any rules in poetry. If there are, they're made to be broken.
Other than the format, which I've just mentioned, there are a few words that need to be changed for clarity and grammar's sake.
Consistently, you use "thou" wrong throughout the entire poem. Thou translates to "you," but you're looking for the possessive form, "your," or in this case, "thine." I suggest you don't use archaic words unless you have a really good grasp on them. When people say to "write what you know," they're more referring to how you actually talk, rather than the subject matter (though some people misuse it that way).
All right, it's time for some real talk. So, you're a dude, right? Well, even if you're not a dude, it's really rude and misogynistic to call someone "whorish." Is this an ode to this person? Then take this out. This person doesn't belong to you. This person can do whatever they want. The misogyny (even if it's not intentional, it's still there) continues in the line "Run from the distant gallowed hills." As if you're going to murder this person from doing what they want. That's frightening. As soon as I got to the "whorish" part, I was a little turned off of the poem, but when I got to that line, my heart went cold. Reading a threat against another woman is really scary because how am I supposed to know how the person who made that threat is going to treat me, as a fellow woman? I just want you to be made aware of how this poem is worded and how potentially frightening and offensive this is to a lot of people.
If you think I"m taking this out of context, then provide more. I am taking this in the context in which this is presented.
Altogether, this needs a bit of work and a bit of thought. I hope that you continue posting your works on YWS so you can get more thoughts about your work! Have a good day!
Wow! Thanks - this was really insightful. I was writing the words that I was feeling at the time. If you have ever experienced lost love, you will know that often times one feels conflicted. In terms of the poem, I wrote the gallowed hills part more as a metaphor. I wanted the reader to know that in order for me to regain happiness, that the worish woman needed to dissapear rather than die. I suppose I could have written it differently, but oh well. I appreciate all of your criticisms
Thanks!
Wesman16
I so love this piece. This is fantastic and I have no criticism on this. The grammars are just great and no errors. I love the way the poem was written because the punctuations were correctly used. The vocabulary words you have used were so deep or such a higher level of vocabulary and I admire that on your poem. The title was also captivating and the message was simple and comprehensible. Overall you did great. Keep it up!
Thank you so much!
You're welcome
Hey Wes!
So this is sort of a love story ode, eh?
The moment I read it I was totally captured. The words which you have used are so captivating. I don't really understand it as a whole but I am getting vague pictures of events which you want the readers to see. Well, I am seeing them beyond the words which you used. I think this is what Hellen Keller said about things which cannot be seen nor touched but only can be felt by the heart.
So, I'm guessing you really putt your heart into this.
I like how you started each new stanza. That was amazing.
I'm not much of a technical person. I'm more of a content-type of person. So keep writing whatever your heart's shouting.
Keep your good vibes in writing.
~Vibes
Thank you so much!