Yelagin Island, St Petersburg: 1992
Anastasia Ivanov sat at the water’s edge, her elegant fingers dug into the thick lawn as she pulled the thick grass out from its roots. It would then gnetly float down beside her and she would start again. Ana stop slightly thhinking about ehr actions; grass ripped up from the ground and then left to suffocate from a lack of nutrients; it would stay there, till it shrivelled up and deteriorated back into the earth.
She was killing it, picking it out and then leaving it there, to die or to live. It didn’t know what would happen. Ana thought, this is just as Dmitry was doing to her now.
Damn him. Where was he? She thought.
The water crashed lightly against the rocks, Yelagin Island was calm and not many spectators lurked. Ana’s finger’s searched but a lack of grass made her anxious and wary. She rolled over on to her front and pulled a pack of fags out and lit one with ease. She looked up to the main path eyeing the tourists and the people of St. Petersburg. None of them looked familiar. Where the hell was Dmitry? She finished the fag and threw it into the water. It floated over the surface and bobbed up at down. How long had she been here? Half an hour? An hour? She watched it for a while finally closing her eyes.
“How long have you been waiting?” His thick Russian voice isolated out all the other sounds. Ana rolled over to find him peering over her. His jet black hair comb back and his leather jacket un zipped so you could see his thin grey shirt underneath.
“Not long.” Ana lied. She stood up staring at him; he grabbed her waist and pulled her in. Her hands immediately fell to his chest and they wandered over its surface as Dmitry pulled her in further and kissed her sweetly on the lips. he stopped. Looking down at her, her eyes where dark green and larger than life to him. A beauty fallen from heaven, just for him. Yet he saw the depression in her eyes.
“What's wrong my dear” He asked. She looked down; starring at the grass piles she had accumulated.
“I want us to leave Tambov.” Ana announced, she looked up then. His eyes turned to stone and his grip tightened on her waist. She squirmed trying to escape his grasp but he held tighter till she cried out. Helplessly she wrapped her arms around him, would this comfort him? She hoped it would.
“You want me to leave Tambov?” Dmitry asked sternly. Fire raged through his soul as he felt her ask the impossible. These were the people who pulled him off the streets and gave him a reason to live. She gave him reason enough too, and he loved her more than life. Yet, he couldn’t turn his back on the Tambov.
“I’m sorry love, I won’t ask again.” Ana said. She knew better then to bring it up again, but her life felt so devious living so deeply wound in this brotherhood. St. Petersburg was a place of culture and food and she wanted to be a part of it. The funny thing for her was she was part of the one thing that wasn’t what she wanted. Killing, human trafficking and illegal transporting.
Dmitry hugged her then, his arms wrapping around her and they walked away and towards the streets. They were quiet as they entered the streets, much busier than the park. Their fingers intertwined as the roads got busier. He looked back at her noticing her long brunette hair and how good his leather jacket looked on her. He owned about five of them, but damn. Did she look good in that one. She combed her hair out of her face with her fingers exposing her dark green eyes to him again, their colour radiated brighter because of the thick black mascara.
He was so lucky to have her, and he hoped she felt the same way about him.
This isn't something that I'd usually read, meaning that it isn't my favourite genre. However I've been advised to branch out a little and I'm glad I did. This was really good to read and I love your characters. I'm looking forward to how they progress! But I agree with the others, a few errors but criticism is how you get better! Good luck
Okay, so Black here for a quick review!
First off: Nice work, I feel that you're not too familiar with English (You skip and miss-use words that a person really good at English wouldn't mess up), and if anything your grammar and spelling are your biggest problems! There's not much to add here, this might be a novel chapter, and it might not, it might be a short story. I don't know if you intentionally made this piece so isolated, with no beginning or future, but that's what it's like.
So here we go for the review!
Grammar and spelling: So, I'll mainly be concentrating on spelling, but I'll go into grammar when I can!
Okay, you don't say 'sat the water's edge' you say, 'sat at the water's edge'. That's improper grammar!
'Shrivelled' is spelled 'shriveled' . . .
Okay, so the 'She thought' was unnecessary, your reader is smart enough to figure out that she's thinking this.
Same thing as with the 'sat', you say 'lurked there', not just 'lurked'.
'Eyeing' is spelled 'eying'.
'Through' is miss-used, I do believe you mean 'threw'.
I think you mean 'and', not 'at'.
I think you mean 'unzipped' here. .. . .
All right, that's enough grammar nit-picking for now. But let me warn you, you have a lot more mistakes, I'd advise you to both get a grammar and spelling checker and read your writing out loud before you post it!
Plot: As I've said, this piece is rather hard to feel (Plot-wise) seeing as it seems to be floating so much. The characters have no fast and they have no future, and if this was intentional then good work. If not, then you need to work on that. A lot.
Theme: Same as Plot, only a bit more-so. You need plot to have theme.
But decent work overall!
Keep writing (That's how you get better!)
~Black~
Hey WelcomingException, I'm going to do a quick review. You have an interesting theme here, be sure to do your research! You know that of course. I like Dmitry's and Ana's relationship, it could prove an interesting and terse experience.
Here are the technical errors that stood out to me.
Ana’s finger’s searched but a lack of grass made her fingers anxious and wary.
Finger's should be fingers, plural, instead of fingers, ownership. There shouldn't be an apostrophe there because the fingers don't own anything. It's also unnecessary to say anxious AND weary, since they mean practically the same thing, just find the one word you think fits the sentence best.
She finished the fag and through it into the water
Through should be threw.
“How long have you been waiting?” His thick Russian voice isolated out all the other sounds.
It's not necessary to tell us his accent is Russian, that can be assumed by his name and the setting.
“What's wrong my dear” He asked.
You forgot the question mark, no biggy!
Okay, that's about it for technical errors. You have an intriguing idea and pretty good characters, I could see this being a great story. Keep up the good work, and keep writing!