Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
"Got a long list of ex-lovers?" I turned to the oh-so innocent boy.
"Yes." I looked up at him through my lashes, "Cause darling I'm a nightmare dressed as a day dream."
"A nightmare I'm willing to have." I smiled at him, laughing on the inside.
I pulled him close to me and whispered in his ear, "I can make the bad guys good for the weekend."
I pulled back and winked at him before turning on my heel and walking away.
***
Carter Jackson wasn't the normal teenage girl, but neither where these boys. They didn't know that. Nobody knew.
When the boys find themselves tangled up in Carter's mess of a life they can't seem to want out. So how will Louis, Liam, Zayn, Niall, and Harry win this? And if they do, what secrets will be reavled?
***
That is Carter under this and so yea...
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hey,
The writer covered most of what I have to say. So, here's my small part. I wouldn't count this as a story but more of a into. While I'm not a fan of One Direction in the slightest I think that if you put some more time into this plot line you could wind up with a great story. Which I shall send my One Direction obsessed friend to review. I'm sure your story will become something amazing at some point. The two really big issued I have are this line;
A nightmare I'm willing to have The speaker transition here could be better.
My other issue with your picture? Where is it from? I recommend sighting all pictures. Even if their your own, just to avoid conflict. As well as why Is that spot above the picture crossed out? I honestly don't feel like you really need it. Keep writing.
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Hey WeirdWritersof2014! Writer here to give you a review~
Also, if you have dialogue, start a new paragraph when a new person is talking, so as not to confuse the readers with who is talking.
I'm not really sure if this is like a disclaimer to a story of some sort, but when I read "Blank Space" I was like: wait a minute...this sounds familiar heh heh
As for the beginning, I wasn't too fond of the words being in bold. It was a little distracting from the story/disclaimer/summary or whatever you wish to call it
Here, I understand "Yes." is from the boy that the speaker is talking to. Make that "Yes." a new line, and then "I looked up at him..." a different paragraph. That way we are not going to be confused :S
Same here:
I'm pulling this whole section out to show you that you have a lot of redundancy here. Too many "I"s in this, and it beats down on the word and starts to get annoying because of the lack variety. Go back and make it more descriptive. Lashes? How long? Laughing on the inside? What does that sound like, is it evil, can you associate colors with what she's feeling? Okay, I don't expect you to answer that last question, but honestly, this is too vague. Yes, this is a disclaimer to a story, but this isn't enough to draw me in. Yes, you didn't write this summary for me, but you still want to excite your readers. And in order to do that, you need more description, more edge. I also see you used lyrics from Taylor Swift's blank space
Here, the italics work. That's why I feel the bold is too much. I think the first line is a little cliche. I always read "so and so isn't the typical guy; so and so isn't a normal teenage girl..." Make that statement unique! Keep the concept, but reword it to make it your own
Just one grammar nitpick. It should be "revealed."
As for the strikethrough, and the picture, it kind of makes me feel like I'm reading a blog post instead of a literary work, which is what you posted it as. I think you should put an A/N (Author's Note) to let us know it's not a part of the disclaimer, instead of a strike through. So, it would be like:
A/N: Here is what Carter looks like
Which, in all honesty, you don't need to post
So, basically, I think this is belongs under blog posts, where you can post and have others tell you what they think of it, because this clogs up the green room (which is getting crowded!
I hope I helped! I'd be interested to see what happens
~Writer
Okay so the first actually speaking in the book is the boy asking Carter. The second is her say yes and then She explains in a vague way why. He's then says that she's a nightmare he's willing to have because She says she's a nightmare. She the evil one and he's the somewhat innocent boy. I'm not gonna point out who's speaking every line. What's the point of say 'he said' 'She said' 'I said'
I think Im in love....This girl you picked to be Carter is perfect
I cant wait to read this because it sounds awesome and personally I havent been able to find any similar FanFics with this genre. Typical fanfic step aside and get ready for Blank Space. Keep writting I cant wait to read this.
~Sam
Hey love my name is Samantha and well im going to review your story. I like what you have going on with the boys. Its different really different than other stories on Wattpad and those sites. By the Way Carter ^^^ is a perfect fit from what I read so far. I cant wait until you update because its something. Keep up the good work
-Samantha
I loved this short story! I thought it was really neat how you used song lyrics for part of your work. It was creative. I might use that idea myself sometime. I'm a new author here too so I guess we can learn from each other. If you confined with starting your stories off with song lyrics, I think it would add to your other works very nicely, it's a good way to set the mood. And of course, fantasize! Who wouldn't want a situation like that at the top? I can't wait to see what else you write!