Hearing them cheer as I walk out into the blood stained pit with their big filthy smiles placing bets on who will win and who will die a cold painful death. Watching the other person enter from the other side his face twisted into fear as he sees the weapons and all the blood I have spilt all over the place. I am the champion, I am the winner. He’s about my age maybe a year older. I’m only sixteen but don’t think I am just a little girl because I could take this whole place down if I wanted to. His eyes show so much innocence his body shaking. What is this place you may ask? Well this is the place where kidnapped teenagers get put to the test. It’s like dog fighting instead replace the dogs with scared weak people. Sometimes you may even get some adults, who am I, well I am the very best, I am a fighter, I always win. My name is jess I am sixteen and I love to kill, to feel the victory to see all the people praise me. What’s not to love?
End of chapter
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139,911 Literary Works • 672,737 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...well certainly an interesting idea which is why I thought I would take a look at it....but hmm..it does have some things that raise a few concerns...but hmm...more on all of that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....well this surprisingly doesn't quite read like an introduction, despite the one blob of text making it look like one. I think this could probably work better as like the first paragraph of the first chapter maybe, its a decent enough sort of general setting establishing style of paragraph that also happens to introduce the character a bit as well.
Hmm...so to the idea itself here, this sounds like something that could make for a suuuper interesting story, the premise here is just off the charts, its not an idea that I've personally seen, well I've seen similar, this is kind of like gladiator combat by the sound of things but I've never seen something like this that's set in a properly modern setting in such a way that you can almost imagine it actually happening in some dark underground den of sorts.
Well...the protagonist here does seem a little bit thirsty for blood here, not your typical protagonist at any rate, cause this one appears to be genuinely enjoying the act of potentially killing people that appear to be innocent and are being actively forced to do these things...and that's not a great sign, cause you might lose a few readers unless there was a serious redemption arc happening soon or perhaps there was a reason she has to kill all these innocent people...but again even if she had a reason, she seems to enjoy it far too much here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...this is an exciting idea, but it needs a lot of work as it stands...I think since the next part is also so short and there's just one, Imma take a quick look at it and see what its like...but hmm...lots of things to think about with this story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I do agree with some of the reviews given but i will say im definitely hooked on this. I loved it!!!
Hi, WeirdGrace. Hope you're settling in well to YWS. I'm Pan, and I'll be cooking up a review for you today.
First of all, you've got a cool idea here. It has the potential to be brutal, dramatic, and a story that I'd definitely be interested in if someone described it to me. I'm especially intrigued by the bloodthirsty protagonist. Obviously, the whole teenagers killing each other idea has been thoroughly explored by Suzanne Collins in recent years, so I have to hope that your story will put an original spin on it. But it's a solid premise to build a novel on.
However, I think you could stand to be vaguer about it in this introduction. By immediately telling the reader that your MC is in an arena where kidnapped teenagers get pitted against one another, you remove half of the mystery from your novel before it's even got started. I want to figure out the full horror of the circumstances gradually, not in the first paragraph - it'll be much more enjoyable that way.
So, my advice would be to adapt the second half of your introduction to be more like the first. Rather than describing the why, describe what is happening - how the crowd jeers at the challenger as he selects his weapon, how Jess lunges for him the moment the whistle blows or bell clangs or whatever happens to signify the start of the fight. Then the reader will start to unravel the circumstances without having them explained, and they'll probably be more interested to read on.
Hope I helped! PM me if you have any questions.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Thank you for the review.
Hi Grace
I really like the introduction. It seems very graphic and violent ( I like violence). My concern with is story is how you described Jess. She is 16 and a little girl. I am curious and actually looking forward to seeing how you show her defeating opponents especially with her being a champion at such a young age and your description of her makes me think she has a very small frame. So keep writing. I want to read more!
Thank you! There sure will be more violent people.