Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...well certainly an interesting idea which is why I thought I would take a look at it....but hmm..it does have some things that raise a few concerns...but hmm...more on all of that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hearing them cheer as I walk out into the blood stained pit with their big filthy smiles placing bets on who will win and who will die a cold painful death. Watching the other person enter from the other side his face twisted into fear as he sees the weapons and all the blood I have spilt all over the place. I am the champion, I am the winner. He’s about my age maybe a year older. I’m only sixteen but don’t think I am just a little girl because I could take this whole place down if I wanted to. His eyes show so much innocence his body shaking. What is this place you may ask? Well this is the place where kidnapped teenagers get put to the test. It’s like dog fighting instead replace the dogs with scared weak people. Sometimes you may even get some adults, who am I, well I am the very best, I am a fighter, I always win. My name is jess I am sixteen and I love to kill, to feel the victory to see all the people praise me. What’s not to love?
Okay....well this surprisingly doesn't quite read like an introduction, despite the one blob of text making it look like one. I think this could probably work better as like the first paragraph of the first chapter maybe, its a decent enough sort of general setting establishing style of paragraph that also happens to introduce the character a bit as well.
Hmm...so to the idea itself here, this sounds like something that could make for a suuuper interesting story, the premise here is just off the charts, its not an idea that I've personally seen, well I've seen similar, this is kind of like gladiator combat by the sound of things but I've never seen something like this that's set in a properly modern setting in such a way that you can almost imagine it actually happening in some dark underground den of sorts.
Well...the protagonist here does seem a little bit thirsty for blood here, not your typical protagonist at any rate, cause this one appears to be genuinely enjoying the act of potentially killing people that appear to be innocent and are being actively forced to do these things...and that's not a great sign, cause you might lose a few readers unless there was a serious redemption arc happening soon or perhaps there was a reason she has to kill all these innocent people...but again even if she had a reason, she seems to enjoy it far too much here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...this is an exciting idea, but it needs a lot of work as it stands...I think since the next part is also so short and there's just one, Imma take a quick look at it and see what its like...but hmm...lots of things to think about with this story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 255088
Reviews: 4107
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