The old rusted door flies open, the cheering begins. Walking out into the pit I can feel my blood boil my heart starts to race. Looking up seeing all the people waving their money their sick filthy smiles spreading across their faces. I watch as the other door fly opens and this scrawny teenage boy walks out. His face stares at me his eyes so innocent. The clock ticks down starting from thirty. I pick my weapon which is always the knives. I watch as his hands shakily wraps around the axe. His knees are weak Mine are ready, ready to attack, ready to win. The clock’s bell rings I lunge towards him stacking on top of him as he flies on to the ground. The crowds cheer becomes deafening, The boy twists from underneath me trying to escape. My hands wrap around the knife raising it, The boy sees this as an opportunity he strikes me in the stomach my vision blurs, I watch as this brown thing goes flying towards my head it's now or never. I clutch the knives close to my body forcing one into the boys stomach feeling the resistance as his skin gives way. Watching as his body falls to the ground and the life slowly drains from his body. The crowds screaming in joy chanting my name. I suddenly find myself on the ground feeling this warm sensation ooze from my lower. I twist my head around to see a man standing there his smile sickening. I recognise him, It's my dad. But it can't be I saw him get killed only a few months ago.
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139,911 Literary Works • 672,737 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm....well..this wasn't too much better in terms of the protagonist and its really not doing too well in terms of the way this is structured but once again the content here is awesome though...I really feel like this could make for an awesome story, its just to needs to be written with a whole lot more body added to it here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm....well okay, well, this is really short for being an entire chapter, but well, here we go...like I said earlier, this sounds like an idea that could turn out to be a really, really cool story if you manage to pull it off correctly. Hmm...at any rate, as far as first chapters go, this had a decent amount of things that happen in it, that actually is not the issue despite the small size, the main problem here has more to do with the fact that all of this material is squeezed into just one large paragraph there.
So...yeah, her meeting this new boy, and then killing him ruthlessly really established the character and then the surprise of her running into this man who she identifies as he long last father right after he's stabbed her would certainly make for an awesome cliffhanger as an ending to a first chapter...but....while those things have great potential, the things here are just rushed through so fast and there's just a lot of potential to start with a cool fight scene and some descriptions, all just ignored a bit here in favor of quickly advancing through things....aaand that's not too great.
Hmm..once again though, we have that issue with the protagonist but I covered it in the earlier part so I won't mention it again here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this sounds like a good idea, but well...like I mentioned above, it needs a lot of ironing out...sorry if that one came out a bit too harshly there....well that's it for now at any rate.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi!
Belated welcome to YWS! Hope you're enjoying it here.
Okay, so lets get down to it. I'm going to get through the nitpicks before we get to the good stuff. I'm going to go through sentence by sentence. So, here goes:
Okay, so here you either need a comma or a conjunction between the words 'boil' and 'my'.
So a couple of suggestions would be:
Walking out into the pit I can feel my blood boil and my heart starts to race.
Walking out into the pit I can feel my blood boil, my heart starts to race.
Though I would suggest the first of those.
First off with this one you're going to want to change 'Looking' to 'I look' as that disrupts the flow of the piece a little less. You also need to put in some commas. The easiest way to spot where is if you read it out loud, every time that you pause for a moment between words it's likely you need a period or a comma. So for example, here you would likely have a slight pause between 'sick' and 'filthy' and that's because you need a comma there, to help with the flow of the piece.
Okay, so a super small thing here. You just need to change 'fly opens' to 'flies open'.
So here it's just the small matter of a comma between 'me' and 'his'. I think you probably get what I mean about this now, so I'm going to stop mentioning it. If you need any help with it feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to help you out.
Again, another tiny thing. You just need to uncapitalize 'Mine' and put a comma before it.
So, apostrophes don't need to be used here as they're only for combining two words, such as don't being do not. Or after someones name to state possession. So, as this is neither of those you don't need the apostrophe.
I think this might just be a typo, but you don't need the capital, you do it again just underneath, maybe just reading through again will help you spot the little things like this.
Okay so here maybe you could throw in a little more description. What is the brown thing? Did the boy throw it? Did it come from the crowd? It may seem like a super tiny thing, but there's no harm in a little extra detail here and there.
It almost feels like a word is missing here. Lower what? Abdomen? Arm? Leg? But yeah, another thing I'd perhaps suggest is starting a new paragraph just after this sentence, because of the drama afterwards!
So here maybe swap the comma with a full stop? Short sentences, adds to the drama.
Okay, so that's it. Most of the things like commas and punctuation etc you can probably spot yourself, but try reading aloud, it does help with finding where to put it. And if you need any help with anything feel free to PM and ask me, I'd be happy to help.
Now for the good stuff, and there's a lot of it! You have a great start here! I love how your character narrates their actions, it's almost like you're seeing the whole thing happen through their eyes, which is great, it makes it all so much more interesting.
I also love how you jumped straight to the action, it's interesting straight from the beginning, which makes me even more excited for the next part! Another thing that's great here is how much mystery you have. For starters we know nothing about the main character, not even if they're a boy or a girl, what they look like, how they got to where they are. But perhaps the most interesting part, for me anyways, was that little plot twist at the end. How has their dad seemingly come back from the dead? Did he know he was going to watch them in a fight? Was he a part of it? How did he die? So many unanswered questions!
It has made for a really interesting start to a story! Please let me know when you've posted more parts. I cant wait to see what happens next! The suspense is immense xD
Anyways, it was great! I loved it!
Burn
So, I'm on mobile, and don't know how to quote specific lines, but I'll try. First, you have several run-on sentences, such as "walking out into the pit I can feel my blood boil my heart starts to race." and also his face stares at me his eyes so innocent." as well as several others. To fix this, re-read your work and put a comma (or sometimes a semicolon) everywhere you pause where you don't have a period. Of course this won't fully fix the problem, but it will help. You also have some places with weird subject verb agreement. Like "his hands shakily wraps" one of those shouldn't have an S.
My biggest advice, though, is to write more. If you hope to write a novel, you will need at least 200 pages, each of which should contain something like 700 words. This chapter alone might not fill a single page, which would set the president of your book to have 200 chapters, and that's going to be very difficult. Instead, try to make each chapter somewhere between ten and twenty pages, this way you have a standard number of chapters, 10 to 20.
Hi. Thank you for your review I haven't gotten into writing fully yet so i'm just starting out. I really appreciate your review and will try to make my chapters longer. Thank you %uD83D%uDE03
Hey I love this story, it was amazing. I must say the ending to this chapter is a cliffhanger.
Now you might want to add more scenerary, now I don't know if all these gaps the a reader might find in this chapter get filled in the next chapter. Let me know if this is the reason.
I do want to read more of this story so let me know if you write anymore.
Hi, taya2019 I do plan on writing more and I will be adding more scenery and more description in the the next chapter! Thank you for the review