Young Writers Society

I like the rhythm a lot, except the last line seems a little out of place because it's so long. Maybe you meant it that way, to make it stand apart, but I thought it would work a little better if it was phrased a little differently or something. But lovely poem!

The beacons lit, the fire spreads
Into the hearts of many.
An impossible glow that fills our heads;
It's warmth is quite uncanny.

The soft and chilling breeze
Draws our shoulders ever nearer,
Hunching over with such ease
As if to make what lies there clearer.

The amber sun sinks into gilded hills.
The land heaves a weary sigh.
Nothing but the nearby mills
See the people moping by.

And how the sky is softly faded!
I cannot feel your hand,
That hand I've never hated;
Why it's gone, I do not understand.

Hey,

I thought this poem was okay. Not my favourite, but I didn't hate it. I agree it had an impact on the reader, but it wasent tell the end that I fell that impact, which is not good.

I think the impact should happen on the second line, otherwise people might not read it.

But I think this could have great potential.

So keep up the good work!

Kelsi =)

Your poem has great impact on the reader.

Which is nice.

I actually think that your poem is beautiful and very organized and easy to understand.

Nice. Pretty. In some ways I felt like it was a bit over the top, in parts.

The amber sun sinks into gilded hills.
The land heaves a weary sigh.
Nothing but the nearby mills
See the people moping by.

I cannot feel your hand,
That hand I've never hated;

Hey there! You have some pretty imagery here and though that could be added to, my main piece of advice is to work on the flow. Here's a line by line, I always seem able to give more suggestions that way -

The beacons lit, the fire spreads [I like the imagery here but I'm not sure about the wording of this line. The word 'beacons' really annoys me because it needs an apostrophe but then that doesn't look quite right. Hmmm. Maybe 'The beacon beams, the fire spreads' and then you'd have a touch of aliiteration too?]
Into the hearts of many. [I think this line is too short and simple which throws off the beat. Perhaps 'Flooding the hearts of infantry' would work? It would give a better rhyme for uncanny, it has more syllables and it's a nice metaphor?]
An impossible glow that fills our heads; [Now this one feels a touch too long and some of the words are redundant. You could have 'Unlikely glow to fill our heads;' or something?]
[s]It's[/s] Its warmth is quite uncanny.

The soft and chilling breeze
Draws our shoulders ever nearer,
Hunching over with such ease
As if to make what lies there clearer. [I don't like this verse as much. The imagery is rather weak and the flow is jerky. Just count the syllables and try to neaten it up. Also, the last line doesn't seem to make sense with the others? It feels like its added just for the rhyme...]

The amber sun sinks into gilded hills. [I love amber, such a pretty colour but your imagery could be so strong here. Perhaps describe how it seems to mesh with the hills or you could imagine it as a lover's embrace, a goodbye kiss...]
The land heaves a weary sigh.
Nothing but the nearby mills
See the people moping by. [Again, the last line doesn't seem to fit, you need to try to remember your purpose and title of the poem. Perhaps mention the days passing by or something?]

And how the sky is softly faded! [Softly is sort of weak and I don't like line three... hmmm. Maybe re-work this stanza. It might be effective to change the rhyme pattern actually so that it stands out more. Something like -

Oh how the sky has swiftly faded -
Your presence gone and beauty jaded.
Your hand no longer in my hand;
why it is gone, I do not understand.]

I cannot feel your hand,
That hand I've never hated;
Why it's gone, I do not understand.

_________________________
In general I liked this but I think you could go further. There's so much more you could say about the retreating of autumn. How the frost sets in and hardens the leaves, covers all the ground. How the orange and yellow leaves wither and turn to brown. I'd suggest experimenting with different metaphors like the death of a woman or at least her decent into illness but with the knowledge that she will recover.

Keep working on it and let me know if you make changes and would like me to take another look,

Heather xx

I can'r review lyrics to save my life, but I liked this. It wasn't my favourite, but I like where you are going. I am not sure 'many' and 'uncanny' ryhme very well though, its a different sound.

Anyway, keep writing!

~D'Aedomir~

Hm, this was okay actually. I think it could do with a little bit of a re-vamp and inprovement because in some lines, it seemed to stutter and be a bit of a ramble. For example;

The amber sun sinks into gilded hills.
The land heaves a weary sigh.
Nothing but the nearby mills
See the people moping by.

This verse seems to be a bit 'top-heavy' if you understand. The first two lines seem really heavy and complex compared to the last two. Also, I believe that there may be too many syllables in those lines which messes with the rhythm a little.

Apart from that, I actually quite like this and it's a nice idea.
Ginger