Young Writers Society

Hi, am I committing some heretical act by reviewing this chapter before I've read the rest? If that' so, feel free to hurl rotten tomatoes or what-have-you at me.

The New York City air was smoggy and humid as almost black clouds threatened to storm.

Good and very atmospheric opening sentence, but one quibble--the word "almost" just ruins it for me. Strike it out and the sentence will be much stronger.

The city was roaring with life. Cars honked, brakes screeching to avoid pedestrians and drivers swearing to run them over next time.

A few minor spelling and grammar hints, but that is one cute personification.

High rise buildings towered over the everyday scene, casting their long shadows as a reminder that they are there.

You switched tenses here; that "are" should be a "were".

[s]Residing[/s] in one of the many high rise buildings is the conference room where the head operatives of Fang were now [s]in a [/s]meeting.

Again, that first "is" should be a "was". Remove the "residing" and "in a", as again they're unncessary and make the sentence seem weak.

The conference room was large and windowless; small lamps clinging to the walls were the only source of light. A large table stretched out across the front of the room where fifteen of the bosses of the original branch. Kneeling on the marble floor before them, their heads bowed in respect, were two male members of the elite Shadow group, team one.

Your prose is fairly awkward here--in some cases you use the wrong words and in other cases you're overly verbose. Excising unneeded words and using more appropriate wrongs/tenses helps add strength to the paragraph and makes it flow more naturally (BTW, I'm going to end up saying the last bit a lot, as I believe the way a story's prose flows is one of its most integral facets). Still, I like the description you've got going here--it's enough to give me a picture of what's happening without being too wordy.

"Zack Ali…rise.” the eldest boss ordered, pointing with a skeletal hand at one of the two kneeling men. The man he indicated stood at attention. His hair was graying brown and his intense green eyes told??? his old age. His outfit was a simple one of a red t-shirt and blue jeans.

“…Alice Jones has killed one of…our agents.” the eldest boss said, his voice strong for his age. “You are in charge…of dealing with her.” This would be better as its own paragraph

More changes, generally to obtain a more natural feel. Wow, that seems to be a lot, but you have some well-developed ideas and I feel you'd convey them better if the prose flowed more naturally. Sorry if my edits are excessive, since there's no guarantee that any future critiques I make will even be that extensive. Blehh, something's possessed me, something called the "ghost of yay I don't have much homework tonight". But enough babbling.

Zack’s widened in disbelie but he tried to keep it out of his voice. “Yes sir.”

More edits for the sake of flowing better. If you want, you can make a drinking game out of the number of times I say that.

“Jacen Risk…rise.” The other man stood at attention. His strawberry blond hair was tied back into a ponytail and his cold grey eyes burned into the eldest boss. “Horatio was killed by you. You are in charge…of finding Maria and dealing with her.”

I find the phrase "Horatio was killed by you" to be kind of awkwardly worded. Would it be better to say "You were the one who killed Horatio" or something like that? I also feel you described Zack better than Jacen, as I have a general feel of how old Zack is (and what he's wearing) and less of that for Jacen. Unless this isn't the first description of them, since this IS the third chapter and I'm a lazy ass and can't be bothered to read the rest. Not yet, anyway. And again I digress and babble.

The eldest boss nodded. “This session…is over. You are dismissed.” Zack and Jacen left the room obediently. “Alex Angel.” the eldest boss addressed one of the other heads at the table. “This will be…their last mission.”

You could probably elaborate more on this paragraph, particularly Zack and Jacen's exit. It seems a bit sudden to have them just "leave". Maybe separate the paragraph in two--one where Zack and Jacen leave, and the other where the eldest boss addresses Alex Angel.

Sounds like he's sending Zack and Jacen to their deaths, hmm? Perhaps you should show something of his emotional state--should he appear anxious, resigned, old beyond his years? Even a description of what he's doing physically--leaning back in his seat, sighing, closing his eyes?--would help make the scene have a little more emotional impact than it does, as I think that line of the eldest boss's is supposed to be emotional, no? As it is now, it feels a bit...flat and clinical. Which I don't think is the effect you're aiming on.

“Alice tell me more about my parents?” Zeke asked as Damien changed the bandage on her ankle.

Um, Zeke's quote could do with a little improvement. Depending on Zeke's character, it could either be just "Alice, tell me about my parents," (a more forward and direct statement) or "Alice, could you tell me about my parents?" (a more polite, less assertive sort of personality). I wouldn't know, as--bad me--I haven't read the other chapters. I should be kicked. Who wants to do it? Again I digress.

And also, that "she" should probably be a "he".

It was a few weeks after they had first met. Alice sat on the large couch that was in the living area of Damien’s apartment. Damien sat on a small hassock while Zeke lounged in the lazy boy recliner across from them.

I have a problem with the usage of the word "sat"...it's a bit weak and vague. Particularly when you've used such a strong verb as "lounged" for what Zeke's doing--certainly you could do better than a mere "sat" for Alice?

“Very well, Zeke,” she said with a warm smile. “Horatio was second in command of our team. Though he could be the most ruthless bastard of all of us, Horatio was also capable of showing mercy to his opponents’.”

I don't know what, but something about that paragraph could be more...naturally worded. Yeah, I said it again, but I do mean it. Alice's description of Horatio is a bit stilted and unnatural--think, she's talking about the guy, clearly someone she was close friends to and remembers fondly. She wouldn't speak in such a clinical manner--"was also capable of showing mercy to his opponents"? But at the same time, maybe my brain's not functioning but I'm having trouble thinking of a more natural-sounding replacement. Argh.

Her eyes saw a scene that only she could.

I have a bit of an issue with this sentence; it should probably he elaborated more. Like, "Her eyes acquired a distant aura (?), as if she was seeing a scene from the far past, a scene only she could see". Or something like that, I know that's tacky. Mine, not yours.

“He protected his own and saved Maria, Zack and I more times than I would like to admit, though he never put it in the reports. Horatio cared about all of us, especially Maria.”

Edited to make it flow more naturally. Whoo hoo, said it again.

“All set.” Damien said as he left to discard the old bandages.

Nice; I like this little interlude. A nice way to remind the reader that Damien has been bandaging Zeke's wounds while Alice has been talking.

Alice nodded.

Why? Who is she agreeing to? Seems you're just making Alice to do something for the sake of having her do something, which isn't the best thing to do. But who am I talk, as I have an unfortunate fondness for making my own characters sigh and shake their heads. So I'm being a bit of a hypocrite here. >_>

“Maria and Horatio cared for each other much, much more than Fang liked. Zach tried to talk some sense into him and I tried to do the same with Maria, but they wouldn’t listen. And Fang began to take notice.”

Is this "Zach" the same "Zack" in the previous scene? If that's the case, you should probably decide on a consistent spelling for his name. Also, for further impact, "much" should probably be italicized.

Alice’s voice grew venomous as she mentioned Fang.

Something about that sentence is a bit awkwardly worded; maybe it'd sound better if it was "An extra note of venom slipped into Alice's voice when she mentioned Fang", but eh, it's your story, so your call.

“Horatio and Maria were summoned in front of the bosses. That’s when Fang found out-” Alice stopped suddenly as her face became twisted with horror and grief.

Very nice imagery there--I can just imagine the expression on Alice's face (though admittedly, I don't know how she looks). One quibble--"with" should probably be "in".

“Alice are you all right?”

First of all, there is no such word as "alright"--it's two words, all right? Also, I know Zeke said this because of the next paragraph, but still, it'd probably be better to describe what Zeke is doing as he says it. You included some very nice description about Alice's physical actions when she spoke in the previous paragraph; why not have Zeke's reaction, or what he is physically doing at the moment? That would make his query seem a bit stronger, and possibly more emotional.

Alice blinked as she came back to reality, her expression shifting back to normal.

Nice sentence (particularly the "shifting" part), but edited a bit to--here it comes!--flow better.

“Anyone thirsty?” Damien called from another room.

Ha ha, cute. I don't know Damien that well (curse me for not reading the previous two chapters!!!), but I'm already liking him just on the basis of his frequent interludes.

“All right! Suit yourselves!”

Again, "All right" is two words.

“Please continue, Alice.”

Added a comma, and this could also use a dialogue tag.

Alice nodded. “It was then Fang learned that Maria was carrying a child. Our bosses locked Maria in a modified containment cell where she would be cared for properly until the child was born. Horatio was only allowed to see her when he brought Maria her food and drink. Meanwhile, Zack, Jason and I were ordered to go about business as usual. Once the child was born he would be allowed to stay with Maria until his first birthday.” A sad look came into her eyes. “Then the child would be taken in by one of the bosses until he was old enough to begin the harsh training.”

Nicely written paragraph; it flows better than any of yours so far. Still, I find it a bit odd how someone would say "carrying a child" and then "bosses" within the same breath; one has a more formal, archaic feel, while the other has a more casual feel and conjures up pictures of the mafia in my head. But that's just me. Still, it'd probably do you well to change "carrying a child" to "pregnant"--the usage is more modern and just jives better.

“Shang," Zeke whispered, bewildered. He couldn’t imagine what fate had been written for his older brother, though he now knew why Shang hated the smell of disinfectant.

Fixed some punctuation. I do like the phrase "what fate had written", it just seems...nice to me. Dunno why. O_o

“Yes, Shanghai is what she called her son. She loved him dearly and dreaded the day he would be taken, particularly as Shanghai’s birthday drew nearer. Horatio wouldn’t stand for his son to suffer the same fate as his parents. He somehow devised a plan in which he successfully enlisted two government agents who dealt with witness protection and amazingly it worked. One day everyone awoke to find the whole facility in lock down mode. Horatio had gotten Maria and Shanghai out alive.” Alice took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Tell me Zeke, are they other children?”

Wow, Horatio's plan seemed to work a little too easily, but seeing as I know nothing about the guy (haven't read the other chapters~I needs must be castigated) who am I to judge?

I have kind of...a problem with the name "Shanghai". I mean, the parents are called Horatio and Maria. You'd think they'd name the kid Antonio or Giuseppe or something. O_o Or is that me being stupid? Sorry, but two parents with such Italian-sounding names, naming their kid after a Chinese city is just...rather odd.

“…Yes, there’s my older sister Mai and my younger sister Kaysis.” Zeke replied as the humming sound of a chopper became louder and louder until it was right outside the wall of windows.

And then the Italian 'rents name their other kids "Mai" and "Kaysis"? O_o A-a-a-and they have a son called Zeke...that's just...a little...odd. Generally, parents tend to kind of have a theme when they name their kids. Not consciously, but all the kids' names usually go well together and tend to come from the same general culture. In here you've got a kid named after a Chinese port city, a kid with a Biblical name, another kid with an Asian name, and then a kid with an unusual made-up name. That just doesn't...seem to work. Just something to think about. (and that may be just me; I have a huuuge interest in names and the meanings/etymology of names; it actually kind of helps build characters. But whatever).

The appearance of the helicopter seems a bit sudden too. I had to read that part twice because I was so surprised. It'd be better if you had foreshadowed the helicopter's appearance in previous paragraphs.

“Hit the deck!” Alice screamed as she dove onto the floor, toppling a expensive coffee table as walls of bullets paved through the glass windows lining the wall.

Nice description here, though I don't know what you mean by "paved through the glass windows".

Zeke barley managed to hide behind the recliner before bullets imbedded themselves into the expensive covering of the chair.

Barley? As in vegetable barley soup? Yum. Just kidding, I think the word you're looking for is "barely". Still, like the descript. here.

Seconds after, footsteps moved fast over the glass, getting closer by the second.

This sentence is just awkwardly worded...you said "seconds" in it twice, and that makes it just seem redundant. Might I suggest something like..."Seconds later, Zeke heard footsteps moving fast over the glass, heading closer and closer in his direction".

Zeke’s heart was pounding so hard in his ears that he almost swore it gave him away to the intruder, but [s]almost [/s]abruptly the footsteps retreated, followed quickly by the sound of the helicopter's blades whirring and taking off again.

Again, get rid of the "almost", it does nothing but weaken your prose. I'd also suggest describing the helicopter's departure in a tad more detail.

Once the chopper’s droning was far in the distance Zeke emerged from behind the arm chair to see blood gushing out a wound to Alice’s chest.

Whoa! Describe the wound a bit more. Where exaclty on Alice's chest is it? How deep is it? Does it look nasty? Et cetera et cetera. Such a happening is major and it needs more than a little description, particularly if you want an emotional reaction from the reader.

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“Alice!” he exclaimed as he rushed over to her.

Um...no. "Exclaimed" is a word that conveys a degree of excitement, and one I just have personal prejudices against anyhow. "Cried" or even a simple "said" works better.

Alice was gasping for air and Zeke guessed a bullet (or something of that nature) had pierced a lung.

Get rid of the "and something of a nature"--I think we can all figure out it must have been a bullet. What else could it have been? The bit in parantheses just weakens the shock factor of Alice's injury, particularly when your prose was moving so fast before.

He knelt beside her in a pile of glass, not knowing what to do and it angered him to no end. Over the past few weeks he had grown very fond of Alice and now she was dying and he couldn’t do anything to help her.

First off--if Zeke's kneeling in a pile of glass, he ought to get some injuries, right? But--in the state he is now, he wouldn't care. So perahps an additional bit like "the shards dug into his knees painfully, and blood began trickling down the legs of his pants, but he didn't care".

Also, this entire paragraph feels like a huge example of telling instead of showing. Don't just TELL the reader that Zeke is angry; show it. Show it in that he doesn't care that kneeling in the glass is injuring him; show it in that he's breathing hard and fast and his heart his pounding and his mind is numb and blank and he can only stare as his friend Alice fades away. Say all this and you don't even need the bit about "he had grown very fond of Alice"; his fondness for Alice will simply be SHOWN in his reaction to her dying.

Alice’s hand reached up and grabbed the collar of Zeke’s shirt, pulling him towards her[s]self[/s].

More editations for the sake of natural flow.

With her dying breath Alice whispered in his ear, “Miami Sunshine.” Her hand fell from his shirt to the broken glass.

Ergh...I just have a problem with the whole "with her dying breath" thing--it's just so overdone. Maybe change it to something more original...perhaps describe how Alice is wheezing and gasping, and barely able to draw breath? Perhaps have Zeke tell her not to strain herself, but she insists on delivering her last message anyway? That might add even more gravity to her message, as it seems very important. Having her struggle to deliver it, despite Zeke's pleas, will make it come across as all the more important.

“Zeke, get out of here.” Damien’s voice came from across the room as sirens wailed in the distance.

"Came" is a bit of a weak verb; try "sounded out" or "rang" or something along those lines. The adding of "wailed" is just a personal preference on my part, so feel free to ignore it. Also, shouldn't Damien sound a little more...concerned? Perhaps asking breathlessly over and over again "Zeke are you okay oh my God" or something like that (I don't know if that'd be in his character, though), or demanding Alice's condition. If he's really Zeke's friend, he should probably be showing a bit more concern than just saying "get out of here".

“I’m going to Miami, Dai.” Zeke said as he carefully walked across glass shards to his friend. “Thanks for everything man, you are a life saver.”

Well, Zeke recovered from Alice's death fast. Have him stand over her corpse for just a little longer, in stunned silence--maybe Damien even has to grab his arm or shake him to snap him back into reality. Have him shudder slightly as he looks over Alice's body one last time, and turn away and shake his head as Damien asks him if he's okay, and then deliver the line here. It's things like this that humanize your characters, that cause your readers to identify with them and CARE about them, and become interested in reading their adventures and cheer them on as they tackle various trials and tribulations. It's the difference between telling what happens and SHOWING it.

Also, you should probably start a new paragraph for Zeke's statement.

“If you need money or anything, just give me a call on my cell. Now, go! Quickly, down the fire escape.” Damien ordered in a rushed voice, eyeing the door to his apartment.

Wow...well, that was a bit of a quick ending. O_o Is that all there is to chapter three? It seems kind of...sudden...and after the shock of Alice's death, a bit of an...anticlimax. Maybe, before Zeke goes, just have Damien place his hand on Zeke's shoulder and have them stand together, in silent solidarity, in front of Alice's body...again, it's moments like this that humanize the characters and, more importantly, make their friendship all the more REAL. Believe me, nothing your characters say to each other will cement their friendship as firmly as what they DO for each other. If they are friends, have them turn to each other in this low point, this moment of distress, and share a quiet moment together as they mourn the loss of their mutual friend Alice...and then have Damien tell Zeke to go.

Well, whew, that's all there is. I must say, you've piqued my interest. Who are the Fangs, what do they do, etc. etc. etc. So I guess I should probably read the other chapters, right? You've got good ideas here, and it's a good sign that even the third chapter was able to get me interested. Also, your mechanics aren't that bad--you've made a lot of errors that can be attributed to typing fast, though, so you might want to proofread a little before you post.

Now for the things I had issue with--two things: the prose, and the telling instead of showing (both of which are kind of connected). I like the ideas and concepts you have here, and your characters interest me, but the problem is the execution falls a bit flat. Your prose is a bit weak and awkwardly worded at times--sometimes you add a lot of words ("almost" in particular) that don't need to be there; other times, you don't describe things that probably SHOULD be described.

On the telling-not-showing issue...it really only became apparent near the end of the chapter, particularly at Zeke and Damien's rather...blase...reactions to Alice's death. People do NOT just recover from a traumatizing incident like that in a moment--it takes time to heal. Your characters should show shock, disgust, outrage, misery, confusion. In particular, I'm wondering why they didn't seem curious at all why the chopper came in the first place--unless that's connected somehow to the chapters I didn't read, and that would be my fault alone. O_o let me tell you this--no one will care at all about your ideas and plots if they can't care for your characters. You CAN write so your characters show their emotions--the scene where Alice becomes angry at the mention of Fang is a shining example. Just go apply THAT sort of writing to the rest of this piece, particularly in regards to Alice's death.

All in all, this is pretty good, and I'm interested enough to take a look at the other two chapters (though whether I'll go in depth in my reviews as this...is another question). Keep writing and don't get discouraged, and keep in mind to make your characters human beings with feelings, just like you and I. One of the best ways to figure out what a character will do in a certain situation is just imagining what yourself or people you know would do (not that it works too well for me, beacuse in most scenarios I'd just run and scream. That doesn't work when I have characters who AREN'T supposed to be cowards. ). This is a good work with plenty of potential, but you do need to refine your prose a bit and focus more on showing, rather than telling.