A Dangerous Night Chap.2

A Dangerous Night

Chapter two

Boston

“There, you’re in Boston. Now get the hell out of my car!” Shang snarled at Zeke as he parked his teal Toyota Prius out on a random street in Boston.

“Oooo, touchy today.” Zeke replied teasingly. “Are you still mad that Mai made you drive me?”

“I said get out, damn it!” Shang yelled, glaring at Zeke.

Zeke smirked with satisfaction. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Zeke muttered as he climbed out of the hybrid car, closing the door with a bang. As soon as he did that, Shang zoomed away without a second glance in Zekes direction. Zeke slung his backpack over his shoulder and sighed. “Alright, time to find Devonshire apartments. I find that, I find my friend.”

Two hours later Zeke stood inside the lobby of the Devon shire apartments. His eyes moved around the spacious lobby thinking Damn, this place looks expensive! A tap on his shoulder tensed his muscles as Zeke turned to see his friend, Damien Angel.

Damien brushed his short spiky black hair out of his bright crimson eyes and smiled at Zeke. “Hey man, I got your message. You can stay with me as long as you want.”

“Hey, thanks man, I owe you one. Big time.” Zeke replied as he followed Damien into an elevator. “Damien, man, what’s with that suit your wearing?”

“Well, I just got back from a meeting.” He said simply.

“A meeting with who?”

“With the other executives in my fathers computer company.”

“Whoa, wait a minute there Dai. I thought you weren’t going to take over the family business.” Zeke asked confused, he knew how much Damien despised his father.

“I know, Zeke, but a lot has changed since I graduated two years ago.” Damien told Zeke, hoping to shut him up. Damien sighed in relief when he saw they were almost to the thirteenth floor, but it soon caught in his throat.

Zeke pushed the fire button on the elevator to jam the elevator. “Not so fast, Damien. What exactly has changed?”

Damien sighed. “My mother told me she wanted me to be happy, but told me that if I didn’t take over the business my father was going to sell it.”

“I thought you would have been happy to have it sold?”

Damien shook his head. “If my father sold the business I couldn’t afford this apartment.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Now, Zeke, will you please step out of your arms length from the elevator buttons. Good. That should be far enough.”

* * *

Kaysis stared out the window of Miss Songs black tempo. She watched the landscapes go by, her face emotionless.

“Kaysis, dear, we’re just about there,” Miss Song informed her as she looked at Kaysis in her rearview mirror. “The Hawkings family is excited to meet you, Kaysis. They have experience in taking care of foster children like you. You’ll be happy there.”

Kaysis merely nodded, not even looking at Miss Song.

“The Hawkings have a teenaged boy a little older than you, but I’m sure you’ll get along fine.” Miss Song tried again to get some sort of reaction from Kaysis, but again Kaysis only nodded, not looking at her. Miss Song sighed and paid more attention to the road. A moment later the car pulled into a slanted driveway. “We’re here, Kaysis.”

Kaysis climbed out of the car, suitcase in hand. She glanced around the area, taking in every detail.

The lawn was lush and green with a large towering tree in the middle of it. The pathway leading to the stairs were brick and the steps were stone. The house was two stories high and painted a soft tan color, while the shutters were a darker shade.

Miss Song knocked on the dark ebony door. “Kaysis try to show some emotion. They’ll let you rest as soon as I leave if you need to.”

The door opened to reveal a tall thin woman wearing a black tank top and blue jeans. Her long black was tied back into a messy ponytail and sweat beaded on her forehead as if she had just come back from a run. She grinned as she saw Kaysis and then looked at Miss Song, her amber eyes teaming with excitement. “Ahh, Miss Song, I’m Angela Hawkings. You spoke to my daughter the other day.”

“Yes, Mrs. Hawkings, I did and she was very polite when we talked.” Miss Song replied and then put a hand on Kaysis’s shoulder. “This is Kaysis, the girl we talked about. May we come in?”

“Oh yes, of course, please come in,” Mrs. Hawkings said stepping aside as to let them in and closed the door behind them. The inside of the house was very spacious and had many rooms within it. They now stood in the very wide front hall.

“Mrs. Hawkings, please make sure Kaysis gets plenty of rest. As you know she is ill and it wouldn’t do any good for her condition to get worse.” Miss Song said. “If anything goes wrong and you can’t take care of her, you have my number, just give me a call.”

“Be assured Miss Song, Kaysis will have as much rest as she needs.” Mrs. Hawkings replied.

“Alright, then. Be good Kaysis. Good-Bye.” Miss Song said before leaving the house.

Mrs. Hawkings kneeled down in front of Kaysis as to be eye level with her. “Hey, how are you feeling dear?”

Kaysis didn’t look at her directly and kept her face emotionless.

“Alright, you don’t have to tell me.” Mrs. Hawkings replied. “Would you mind if I gave you a hug?”

“No,” her voice was barley a whisper.

Mrs. Hawkings pulled Kaysis gently into her arms. “Kaysis, I know you probably feel angry, sad and like you can’t trust anyone,” she said softly into Kaysis’s ear. “I know this because I felt exactly the same thing when I was first put into foster care.”

Kaysis pulled out of the hug. “I’m sick, I need my rest.”

Mrs. Hawkings smiled standing up. “Of course, dear, your room is just down this hall on the right. This way,” Mrs. Hawkings lead Kaysis by the hand to her new room.

* * *

Phones rang, people talked, laughed and yelled. The noise on this floor of the office building was only a droning sound to Shang as he quickly read the last few pages of a book he was supposed to review. He sat in his new office behind a polished oak desk in a comfy computer chair on wheels. His office was gray with a matching shag carpet and behind Shang was a wall of windows.

Shang had only started at this job a week before as a mail delivery guy. He had been promoted to book reviewer when one of the top executives saw Shang on his twenty-minute lunch break open a seven hundred-page novel and be almost done with it by the end of the break. When the executive commented about how fast it took Shang to read it,

Shang explained he had always been a fast reader and then went off on a series of comments about the book. The next day when Shang came to work he was promoted.

Shang closed the book and set it on the pile of books to the right of his desk. He wrote down a paragraph on a large sticky note and stuck it to the books cover. As Shang was took a book from the pile on the left side of his desk a small knock came on the doorframe, which led into his office.

Shang looked up to see an older woman of about average height standing there. Her hair was as white as the first fallen snow in December and her eyes as black as night. She wore a blue windbreaker and a long silvery skirt.

“Shanghai Young?” the older woman asked, staying in the doorframe.

“Yes, that’s me. Come and sit down.” Shang offered seeing the old woman looked tired.

The older woman smiled as she walked gracefully over to the chair in front of Shangs desk. “Shanghai, you have gotten so handsome, just like your father,” she sighed, staring at Shang.

“Excuse me?” Shang asked very confused. “Have we met before?”

“Oh dear, I’m getting ahead of myself. I am Ms. Marie Alexzandria, I was a friend of both your mother and father.” She explained. “The last time I saw you, you were three years old and your sister Mai was no more than five days old.”

“Ms. Alexzandria, I don’t remember you, though my mother used to talk about you sometimes.” Shang replied.

Ms. Alexzandria nodded. “I suppose you wouldn’t remember me, you were so very little the last time. You used to call me Auntie Marie back then.” Ms. Alexzandria said. “Your parents and I were very close at that time.”

“Ms. Alexzandria, not to sound rude, but why are you here?” Shang asked finally.

Ms. Alexzandria sighed. “Getting right to the point of things. You’re father always liked to do that.” She said. “Shanghai, I am here to spend sometime with you and your sibling and to answer any questions you may have about your parents.”

“Our father was killed two years ago, murdered actually and our mother left when my youngest sister, Kaysis, was five.” Shang told her acidly. “If you were so close to our parents, where the hell were you when we needed you the most?”

“I know, you’re angry Shanghai, but I came when I could. I am here now and that is what matters. Now, I shall stay in the guest room attic of your house.” Ms. Alexzandria stated. “Now, tell me, who are your other siblings besides Mai?”

“Get out of my office or I will call security to escort you out.” Shang ordered.

“Very well, Shanghai, I will leave,” Ms. Alexzandria replied, standing up and walking over to the doorframe. “I’ll talk to you later, young man.” She called over her shoulder as she left.

Shang sighed frustrated and opened the book he still had in his hands.

* * *

“For two weeks you’re up at dawn and back at dusk,” Damien commented as he watched Zeke eat a bowl of Cocoa Puffs from across the granite table. “You’ve avoided me like the plague and now you sleep in, eat my Cocoa Puffs and tell me you’ve just about given up the search for your mother. Have I left anything out?”

Zeke shook his head. “No, I think that’s all, but I actually have one more place to check out before I give up.” Zeke said standing and going over to put his bowl in the sink.

“What place is that now?”

“The Avalon Nightclub.”

“Why would you look there for your mom?”

“If she was like any of us,” Zeke smirked, “then she loves to party.”

Damien sighed standing up. “Well, it’s almost dusk. You better head over there.”

Zeke grabbed his leather jacket and headed towards the door. “I’m hoping to pay you back one of these days, my friend.” Zeke told Damien as he walked out the door.

A mixture of techno music floated through the crammed dance floor as Zeke slowly danced his way over to the bar. Zeke took a seat and waved the bar tender over.

“What’ll you have?” the bartender raised her voice over the music.

“Does the name Ashley Young mean anything to you?” Zeke asked raising his voice as well.

The bartender tensed and eyed Zeke wearily. “That depends, who wants to know?”

“Okay, what about Horatio Young?” Zeke asked carefully.

“Again, depends, who wants to know?”

“Their son wants to know,” Zeke replied. “Will you tell me what you know?”

The bar tender took a step back from the counter, accidentally knocking over a glass. She glanced about and then slapped Zeke across the face. “Get out of this club. It’s no place for talkers, go hang in an ally.”

Zeke stood out in the cold night air by the back door to the club. He shoved his hands into his jacket pocket and turned to leave, but stopped when he saw the bartender coming towards him. “I was about ready to give up,”

The bar tender hugged her long brown fury coat around her. It was unusually cold for a summer night. “I’m just glad you caught the dual meaning to my words. Oh, and sorry for slapping you. The walls have ears, in that place.” She added quickly as she took her long blond hair out of its ponytail.

“What’s your name? I’m Zeke.”

“I’m Alice. Zeke, before I tell you anything, I’ll have you know that I’m taking a huge risk by talking to you, but you have a right to know.”

“A right to know about what? What are you talking about?”

Alice glanced around nervously. “I don’t have much time. Zeke, your mothers true name is Maria Yue. Your fathers was Julian Roberts. They worked for an organization called Fang as assassins and thieves. They were both part of an elite group called Shadow. Get down!” Alice pulled Zeke down behind a large dumpster, bullets missing them by seconds. Glass from windows sprinkled down over them.

Alice pulled a gun out from her coat pocket. She peered out from behind the dumpster and shot three times at the third story window. The third shot hit home and a body fell from the window landing with a thud and a clatter as the machine gun landed next to it.

“Alright, it’s clear,” Alice, said after a couple minutes. She stood up and limped over to the body. “Yeah, it’s an agent of Fang, but a lackey no doubt.” Alice muttered as she picked up the machine gun and then turned to wait for Zeke to come out from behind the dumpster. “Come on out, he’s dead.”

Zeke had been frozen in panic against the dumpster. He struggled to unfreeze himself as he heard Alice call to him. Still he stayed there, frozen in terror. Then Alice was kneeling next to him, her eyes concerned, but also amused. She smiled sympathetically and offered him a hand up. “I know you haven’t been shot at before, but we need to move or they’ll be cops everywhere.”

Zeke took her hand and stood up. “We can go to my place.” He suggested.

“Sounds like a plan. There, I promise to tell you who killed your father.”

* * *

“James Kirk Hawkings spend sometime with Kaysis,” Mrs. Hawkings pleaded with her fifteen-year-old son. “She needs a friend right now-”

James glared with ice blue eyes at his mother. “If you didn’t notice mom, she’s been isolating herself in Megan’s old room all on her own. She won’t even talk to us.”

“Then go and try to be a friend to her, James.” Mrs. Hawkings sighed. “Kaysis is starting to get over an illness, she’s been taken from the only home she’s ever known and she witnessed her father’s murder and her mother left when she was five. James, Kaysis is isolating herself, being antisocial because she’s afraid something horrible will happen.” Mrs. Hawkings explained. “All your friends are at camps for the summer and Megan’s spending the summer with friends in Miami, it wouldn’t hurt to help out this girl.”

James sighed. “Fine, you win. I’ll talk to her, but I’m not going to promise anything.” James said and headed down the hall stopping at Kaysis’s room. He knocked once before opening the door to find Kaysis resting on her bed. Kaysis wore a spaghetti strap red tank top and black felt pants. James entered the room and sat down on the computer chair, which was next to the bed. He stared at her sleeping form, waiting for her to wake up.

After about an hour Kaysis opened her pale blue green eyes to find a pair of ice blue eyes staring at her. Immediately Kaysis glared at him and seconds later, a slapping sound echoed through the room. She slapped him hard across the face.

“You little anti-social brat! What the hell was that for?!” James yelled at her glaring.

“For anything you were thinking about while you were staring at me a sleep.” Kaysis retorted sharply.

James felt his breathing become slower because of the emotions radiating from Kaysis. It was almost over whelming for him. Mom was right. She has been through a lot. “I’m sorry,” James felt it safer to apologize than to argue. “I shouldn’t have entered the room with out your permission, Kaysis.”

“You should be sorry, but I’m not sorry I slapped you.” Her tone was not as sharp, but it could still sting. “So, what do you want anyways?”

James shrugged. “Just to hang out with you.”

“Let me guess, your friends are at summer camp or something so you would rather annoy me?” Kaysis retorted sarcastically.

“You’re right about the first part.” James replied. “My friends are at summer camps this summer, but wrong about the last part.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, really, I’m not trying to annoy you. All I want is to hang out with you.” James explained.

“Fine. What do you do for fun?” Kaysis asked, not really wanting to argue anymore.

“Well, I play video games, sports and dance.”

“Dance?” Kaysis asked as it caught her interest. “What kind of dancing?”

James smiled. “Mainly ball room dancing, but I also like nightclub dancing and swing dancing.” He said proudly. “What about you?”

“Nightclub dancing.” She said shortly. “I’ve never done swing dancing and I’m really bad at ball room dancing.”

“You can’t be that bad at ball room dancing,” James challenged.

“You wanna bet?” Kaysis retorted.

“Why not, I bet I can turn you into an awesome ball dancer by the end of next week,” James told her.

“If you can’t you have to…sing everything you say for one week.”

“Deal. If I can you have to dance with me in the competition at the end of next week.”

“Deal,” Kaysis said and they shook hands to close the deal. “When shall we get started?”

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Wcatgal Comment

Thanks for your helpful suggestions!

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scasha
Review
scasha wrote a review · Thu May 08, 2008 2:45 am

As soon as he did that, Shang zoomed away without a second glance in Zekes direction
-- As soon as he stepped out, Shang zoomed away.
Two hours later Zeke stood inside the lobby of the Devon shire apartments. His eyes moved around the spacious lobby thinking Damn, this place looks expensive!
-- you repeat lobby, find another word like room or something

“I know, Zeke, but a lot has changed since I graduated two years ago.”
-- take out two years
agoDamien told Zeke, hoping to shut him up.
-- this sentence is kind of akward, instead maybe say, Damien fell silent on the subject and Zeke knew better than to persist.
Damien sighed in relief when he saw they were almost to the thirteenth floor, but it soon caught in his throat.
-- Take out but it soon caught in his throat
Zeke pushed the fire button on the elevator to jam the elevator. “Not so fast, Damien. What exactly has changed?”
pushed the fire button to jame the elevator doors.

Damien sighed. “My mother told me she wanted me to be happy, but told me that if I didn’t take over the business my father was going to sell it.”
but then said that if I dont...
* * *

Kaysis stared out the window of Miss Songs black tempo. She watched the landscapes go by, her face emotionless.
her face smooth and expressionless .”

Kaysis merely nodded, not even looking at Miss Song.
take out merely
“The Hawkings have a teenaged boy a little older than you, but I’m sure you’ll get along fine.” Miss Song tried again to get some sort of reaction from Kaysis, but again Kaysis only nodded, not looking at her.
-- you already said something like this in the sentence above. Make Kaysis more dynamic in this scene
Miss Song sighed and paid more attention to the road.
...and turned her attention tot eh road
A moment later the car pulled into a slanted driveway. “We’re here, Kaysis.”
-- take out Kaysis

Miss Song knocked on the dark ebony door. “Kaysis try to show some emotion. They’ll let you rest as soon as I leave if you need to.”
-- "Kaysis, try to act like your happy or at least grateful that they're taking you in. For godsakes...

“Oh yes, of course, please come in,” Mrs. Hawkings said stepping aside as to let them in and closed the door behind them. The inside of the house was very spacious and had many rooms within it.
instead of "and many rooms" say the house was very spacious, a maze of hallways and rooms.

“Alright, then. Be good Kaysis. Good-Bye.” Miss Song said before leaving the house.
-- this good bye seems kind of abrupt (try to make her go to hug Kaysis or maybe Kaysis shares her thoughts with the readers for a second about Miss Song.

Kaysis didn’t look at her directly and kept her face emotionless.
-- take out the kept emotionless part


He had been promoted to book reviewer when one of the top executives saw Shang on his twenty-minute lunch break open a seven hundred-page novel and be almost done with it by the end of the break.
-- this sentence is very runon. Try to split up the ideas. However, when one of the top executives saw Shang speed read through a seven hundred page novel in twenty-minutes, Shang was promoted to book reviewer. or something like that
The next day when Shang came to work he was promoted.
-- wait, you already said he was promoted. Cut out original promotion line then or cut out this one.

Shang looked up to see an older woman of about average height standing there.
-- should say standing in the entrance.


Our father was killed two years ago, murdered actually and our mother left when my youngest sister, Kaysis, was five.” Shang told her acidly.
-- he goes from curteous to angry in a flash. try to lead into his anger. Show the readers what he's thinking. Then maybe have him coldly refuse her information instead of "acidily"
“Very well, Shanghai, I will leave,” Ms. Alexzandria replied, standing up and walking over to the doorframe. “I’ll talk to you later, young man.” She called over her shoulder as she left.
-- you need way more action. She all of a sudden just stands up and leaves so maybe have her hesitate, describe the sadness or the calmness in her eyes. Have him ignore her parting words of maybe, if you want to talk, just call this number or something.

Zeke grabbed his leather jacket and headed towards the door. “I’m hoping to pay you back one of these days, my friend.”
-- I'll pay you back one of these days, Damien" Zeke said as he walked out the door. Damien just waved him off.
A mixture of techno music floated through the crammed dance floor as Zeke slowly danced his way over to the bar.
-- say made his way not danced his way

The bartender tensed and eyed Zeke wearily. “That depends, who wants to know?”
-- should be warily
“Will you tell me what you know?”
say instead "you know anything about them?"
The bar tender took a step back from the counter, accidentally knocking over a glass. She glanced about and then slapped Zeke across the face. “Get out of this club. It’s no place for talkers, go hang in an ally.”
-- wow, totally didn't see that coming. I think instead she should just tell him to leave and then threaten to call security (karma huh?) and he leaves.

“Alright, it’s clear,” Alice, said after a couple minutes. She stood up and limped over to the body
. -- Alice got hit? or did she? “
Zeke had been frozen in panic against the dumpster. He struggled to unfreeze himself as he heard Alice call to him.
-- try not to repeat words like freeze. How bout, Zeke was shocked. He froze in panic, unable to move when Alice called to him. He stayed there, his feet rooted to the ground


Okay I loved this piece a lot! Great description, great plot, everything was stellar. Some suggestions other than the ones above:
1) Try to cut down on adjectives and find verbs to replace them
2) Always show, don't tell. You want to make the reader feel as though they can see Shang opening his book or what Kaysis is thinking when she sees James
3) Try to make the dialogue realistic. Have people preforming actions in between their speeches.
4) Try not to repeat yourself in the longer dialogue/passages.

Other than that Well done! Keep up the good work!



Forever is composed of nows.
— Emily Dickenson