Published February 23, 2011
The addiction is sweet
I’ve heard it if not a thousand times,
So many broken hearts,
So many paper lies. And still I demand
I push and I shove and I
Pry their cold fingers
With a practiced rubber glove.
How Can I live like this?
You ask,
How do you do this to
People?
Well sweety, if I am not a person too.
And we all have the sweet addictions
That itch and
Scratch at
Our very souls. A tug of the moon like
The Tide. Or a moth to the flames
Poof,
And we’re gone. So I don’t worry hun,
I’ve an addiction of my own. And it pulls and tugs
And it is the greatest addiction of all, built into our
Very brains, our bones, our bodies and hearts. And I
Wish I could kick the will to live,
But it is such a sweet addiction.
Thank you for reading- I just wrote this and decided to post on a whim. Any critizes will be appreciated, so have at it! ;D
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,947 Literary Works • 673,779 Reviews
Hehe, thanks guys. i agree with you for the most part, and I did go from kind of ryhming to not, and that did screw with the quality. Thanks for the reviews!
Good job. Glad you posted this.
-Kafka
Sorry if this was harsh. Even though it was a weird way of expressing it, I got the message -I think- andd it was a good one.
-thestorygirl
Oh and I'm sorry, I'm a terrible typist and speller, So I apologize for any typos
Ok It wasn't bad but I have some issues with the structure. I'll explain
[quoteThe addiction is sweet
I’ve heard it if not a thousand times,-Ok. Here is where you start to go wrong. You started out with a line that is six syllables and jump to nine. Also " heard it if not a thousand times" is a very akward phrase and I found myself re-reading it several times to get the meaning. "if not" is not needed, and I don't think grammarically correct.
So many broken hearts,
So many paper lies. And still I demand
I push and I shove and I
Pry their cold fingers
With a practiced rubber glove.-Ok I'm not sure if you were trying to ryhme "shove and "glove" But I'm still of a school that thinks you should try to pattern your ryhming or is screws up the flow of the poem. Try to make ryhming a little more consistent. Non-ryhming poetry is perfectly ok and can be quite evocative, but if you want to go that route don't throw random ryhmes in.How Can I live like this?
You ask,
How do you do this to
People?
Well sweety, if I am not a person too.
And we all have the sweet addictions
That itch and
Scratch at
Our very souls. A tug of the moon like
The Tide. Or a moth to the flames
Poof,- Poof wouldan'y have a comma because its like Bam! or Kapow! its meant to stand out from the sentence. And I don't think poof is a strong enough word to stand alone
And we’re gone. So I don’t worry hun,
I’ve an addiction of my own. And it pulls and tugs
And it is the greatest addiction of all, built into our
Very brains, our bones, our bodies and hearts. And I
Wish I could kick the will to live,
But it is such a sweet addiction.
The second stanza was much much stronger, no radnom ryhmes. And usually I don't like it when poets continue lines halfway through the sentence and continue it on the next line, but for some reason you avoided the akwardness I find most the time. So good use of that.
][/quote]
Honestly not bad. I find alot of artistic potential in your writing. Just use maybe a little more meter, some more structure and I think you could be quite good.