Published June 24, 2010
You drift away from the shore, from your friends, from the masquerade. You look forward and see the waves coming near you.
Smack!
Your hit yet you continue to walk forward further from the shore, further from your friends, further from the city.
Smack! Smack! Smack!
The waves relentless persistence advance they're attack against you, yet you continue to fight the waves while they fight back.
Smack!
You look behind you and see all your 'friends',
all fake smiles and trends.
You see the city and lights,
you see all the cruel words and fights.
You turn back around and see a tidal wave incoming,
and know your demise forthcoming.
And you wouldn't want to be anywhere else
You continue to fight, as you plant your feet and clutch your fist tight.
While the wave hits you with its God given might.
You recover and look up the bright sun and cool breeze greets you. You lay flat and allow the ocean to take you.
You're at peace and feel loved,
away from the city you are high above .
You pick your head up and look around,
and see others floating, yet freedom is what you found.
You've fight your last wave and now its time to rest,
And by the way congratulations you passed the test.
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,586 Reviews
I like the repeated use of the word smack and the imagery is good but I thought that some of the imagery was too literal. I'm not sure how else to say it. You perhaps needed to be a bit more elusive with your words. I may just be talking rubbish, it was a good read though.
To be honest this didn't confuse me at all. I found it to be well- written and i felt like i kind of could relate to it. But I'm not sure if the way i interpreted it is the way you meant.!
This part in the poem i believe it is when the main character wakes up in his afterlife, maybe heaven, and he sees everyone there. This is the only place where he feels free.This is how i understood the poem-
The main character is fed up with the people and friends in his life that he decides to commit suicide. but i didn't interpret the waves as actual waves but was hard times that have happened to the person and because of those hard times he is doing what he's doing. He views the people around him as fake and as always trying to be happy when that's not how he feels.
I loved this poem. I hope I interpreted your poem right!!! If i didn't i honestly would like to know.!
-Keep writing Way2Dawn.
XOXO- Imaginemymind.
It's different, very original. Interesting style. I did enjoy it. I admit I was confused at first. It is a little dark then the last part is happy. I wonder what test it is, etc but I think your goal is for us to wonder. It is long, it reads like a short story, actually! I do like your style though. Would not change much
Well put. Honestly for a while i was confused about the focus of the poem. But closer to the end, I believe i got it.
Nice job. :] Keep it up dude...
-BG-
Hey Way2Dawn!
One thing I think you can improve on is making this poem more subtle! I'm used to reading poetry, so I really like digging through the poem and picking apart the meanings, etc. But here, it felt like you didn't really trust the reader to read your work, so you explained and over-explained what exactly what your metaphors meant so that it felt overly-preachy. Trust your readers and use the image without feeling like you have to explain everything explicitly! It'll feel a lot better that way.
I felt as though this poem was very powerful, and I think that a few of the devices that you used in it contributed, including the irregular rhyme scheme. I really liked the image that I got in my head. I don't see any reason for improvement, I think it is amazing the way it is!
Nice poem, although it could use some improvement.
"You recover and look up (there should be a comma here) the bright sun and cool breeze greets (should be "greet") you."
It should not be"You've fight" but "You've fought" This is a nice metaphor of one's past life that comes back to haunt, if that's what it is. The first lines of the poem are too long, perhaps you could divide them where the commas are and make more lines.
Keep on writing.
This seems like it was part of a book. If not, then I thought it was a little confusing that you didn't explain some things. By 'test' did you mean the test of life? Also, did he/she really commit suicide?
this doesn't sound quite right, maybe if you switched the "You look forward" to "You turn your head" or "You look forward to seeing the waves coming near you".Now for some slight punctuation nitpicks
All in all, I thought your description was really mind-grabbing, and I loved the way you described waking up at the end. Great job!
~Mel