Blank, Chapter one *edit*

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“What’s the point seeing you when you don’t even care?” I pushed myself up off the chair. Snatched my bag and pushed the door open. I turned my head to face her, her face full of shock “Good-bye, thanks a lot for your help” I said to her sarcastically.

“Ayanna, don’t le –“ She said, reaching her arm out to stop me. I sprinted out of her office, slamming the door as hard I possibly could. I paused, as tears ran down my cheeks, my mascara also started to run.

She opened the door behind me. I wiped my eyes, and try to clean off the mascara. I glanced down at my hands, they were black. I quickly turned my head to see if she was standing there, she was looking straight at me. She looked worried; I turned to the wall and sat down. My arms wrapped around my knees and I stared straight at her.

“What do you want?” I casually said, trying to hide my feelings as usual.

“Ayanna,” she said calmly “please just come back to my office, or I’ll have to call for some help with you.”

“I don’t want to come back to your fucking office, I hate it in there.” I yelled at her, my heart dropped. That was the first time I ever had sworn at her. She looked a mess. She didn’t care, so why was she following me? It’s because it’s her job to, not because she wants to.

Mrs. Davies walked away from me. She took it step by step, with her short leg. She wasn’t much taller than me. I heard her open the door then it closed once more. I stood up and followed her. I stood at the frosted windowed door, watching her every move. Inside her office, she picked up her phone.

Her hands shook as she dialed the number, fingers touching each key with care. They glided along the phone, while her opposite hand held the phone to her ear. She was about to push the last key, and panicked I didn’t want her to call anyone to take me away.

“No!” I screamed, “What are you doing? Don’t do it, please don’t let them take me, you’re my last hope.”

I begged her, but she didn’t hang up, she started talking to them. They are going to take me away, lock me up into a mental hospital. Put me in a white room. I bent over, I felt sick with the thought of it. How could she? I hit the wall, which caused it to dent. I felt my face go bright red and hot. The room was spinning, it wouldn’t stop.

“Why is she doing this to me?” I thought over and over. Suddenly, my legs gave in. I collapsed on the floor. I went down with a thump, which caused her to look out of her office.

“What have you done?”

She quickly rushed to me, and helped me up. I had to go back into her office, the one place I dreaded.

“Lie down munchkin” she said to me. She always called me munchkin, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m so short.

I followed her instructions, but I sat and didn’t lie down. I made sure kept watch of her carefully. My throat got that feeling, it started to ache. I knew this meant I was about to cry, I couldn’t help but to let the tears fall.

“I can’t do this anymore” I sobbed

“Do what?” she swung her seat around to face me, her cold grey eyes staring at me.

“Live” I replied to her softly, staring her in the eyes.

“Live” I repeated, this time louder. Tears continued to run down my face. She lent over to hug me, it only lasted 5 seconds. I didn’t know what to think after it. It was awkward afterwards, silence. She was the first to break the silence, my tongue felt like a hundred kilogram weight.

“Can you talk to me about this?” her eyes looked as if she was about to cry.

“Not really, I like how it is. Telling you will only make it worse, I can feel it.”

She quickly wrote what I had just said in a book.

“What the fuck are you doing?” raising my voice. I tried to read what she was writing. I was curious what is inside that book, how long has she been doing this?

“It’s for later, just in case. I record everyone, don’t worry about it” she covered herself up.

“Just in case what? What are you trying to tell me?” I started to yell, “what if I’m suicidal, I don’t give a fuck. And I know you don’t either.”

“What makes you think that?” she turned on me once more.

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I may have a flashback about some of the background...

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Lava
Review
Lava wrote a review · Wed May 26, 2010 6:59 am

Hey!

Well, I liked the start. It was good. But somehow, the end was okay for me. I would like you to continue with the same tone as you did with the start.
Okay, and you could really do with more description. And a little glimpse of the back story would help. Maybe if not fully, a little bit, would definitely pique my interest.

She opened the door behind me. I wiped my eyes, and try to clean off the mascara.
“Ayanna,” she said calmly “please just come back. Let’s work it out.”
This would be a good place to do some detailing.
“What’s the point seeing you when you don’t even care?” I pushed myself up off the chair, snatched my bag and pushed the door open.
It looks better this way.
And do space your work.

Hope I helped.
~Lava

User avatar
ladyKixRox
Review

Well I had sort of a hard time reading it so i think you should space it out a tiny bit,Especially during the dialogue. Like this...

Waterlilygirl wrote:This is based on me, and my school counsellor...... NO I've never done this yet! :smt002
------------------------------

“What’s the point seeing you when you don’t even care?” I pushed myself up off the chair. Snatched my bag and pushed the door open. I turned my head to face her, her face full of shock “Good-bye, thanks a lot for your help” I said to her sarcastically.

“Ayanna, don’t le –“ She said, reaching her arm out to stop me. I sprinted out of her office, slamming the door as hard I possibly could. I paused, as tears ran down my cheeks, my mascara also started to run. She opened the door behind me. I wiped my eyes, and try to clean off the mascara.

“Ayanna,” she said calmly “please just come back. Let’s work it out.”

“There’s fucking nothing to work out.” I yelled at her, my heart dropped.

That was the first time I ever had sworn at her. I turned around, not facing her, she looked a mess. She didn’t care, so why was she following me? It’s because it’s her job to, not because she wants to. Mrs. Davies walked away from me. I heard her open the door then it closed once more. Inside her office, she picked up her phone. I stood at the frosted windowed door, watching her every move.

Her hands shook as she dialed the number, fingers touching each key with care. They glided along the phone, while her opposite hand held the phone to her ear. She was about to push the last key, and panicked I didn’t want her to call anyone to take me away.
“No!” I screamed,

“What are you doing? Don’t do it, please don’t let them take me, you’re my last hope.”

I begged her, but she didn’t hang up, she started talking to them. They are going to take me away, lock me up into a hospital. Put me in a white room. I bent over, I felt sick with the thought of it. How could she? I hit the wall, which caused it to dent. I felt my face go bright red and hot. The room was spinning, it wouldn’t stop.

“Why is she doing this to me?” I thought over and over.
Suddenly, my legs gave in. I collapsed on the floor. I went down with a thump, which caused her to look out of her office.

“What have you done?”She quickly rushed to me, and helped me up. I had to go back into her office, the one place I dreaded.

“Lie down munchkin” she said to me.

She always called me munchkin, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m so short.I followed her instructions, but I sat and didn’t lie down. I made sure kept watch of her carefully. My throat got that feeling, it started to ache. I knew this meant I was about to cry, I couldn’t help but to let the tears fall.

“I can’t do this anymore” I sobbed

“Do what?” she swung her seat around to face me, her cold grey eyes staring at me.

“Live” I replied to her softly, staring her in the eyes.

“Live” I repeated, this time louder. Tears continued to run down my face.


Other than that, i kind of liked it.Your descriptions aren't the best but that's just me. I look for Structure and description.All the emotion at the beginning wasn't clicking right for some reason. Maybe you need to provide more of a back story or build up to it if that helps, But i love the story idea. So keep writing love xD!

~Lady Kix



I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47