z

Young Writers Society



The Light

by WaterVyper


“Julia?” Aaron asked. Julia turned to her little brother, while still keeping an eye on the strange mist headed their way. Just out of the corner of her eye, she could see the tip of Aaron’s baseball cap, jammed tight over his head of brown hair. The wind was near unbearable, and Julia fought to keep her blonde hair neat. Not that it would matter anyway. Who would notice another ruffle in her matted hair? Idly, Julia wondered if it would be rain next time. Weather certainly seemed screwed here. The spire of the building rose up into the air, a beacon, a signal. How Julia never noticed this place before, she would never know. But now, it was a haven.

“Yes, Aaron?” Julia asked, keeping her voice down. She turned to stare at him, taking in his ragged appearance. The red shirt she had gotten him for his birthday was stained coffee brown with dirt and dried blood, and she almost forgot what color it was. His short brown hair was crudely cut; she still kept the Swiss Army Knife in her pocket. She felt bad about stealing it, but they had no choice. Trekking across the country was dangerous, more so when you were being hunted.

“I’m cold,” he whispered. Julia nodded, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. She brought him closer to her, and he immediately relaxed. She smiled and started stroking his hair gently. Unfortunately, she couldn’t sing for her life, so a lullaby was out of the question. Mom was always the one that comforted him. At that thought, Julia felt the smile slip from her face. They were gone. Both of them. Lost in the fire. Served them right.

“It’s going to be fine, Aaron. We’ll get a good home and have lots of friends.” Her own words sounded hollow to her ears. ‘Monsters,’ she thought. ‘They called us monsters.’ Carefully turning away so Aaron wouldn’t see her face, she scowled bitterly. ‘Stupid rituals. Stupid Mom. Stupid Dad. Stupid cult.’

She knew it was immature to be thinking like that, but she couldn’t help it. It was Mom and Dad’s- no, Miriam and Tyler’s fault that they were on the run, like fugitives. She used to love watching those television shows where the criminal would go into hiding, and the police always found them. Now, they were the criminals, and those fanatical cult members were the police. If they were caught, they would be taken to that table, strapped down, and then the knife would come slashing down, and it was over.

Giggles drifted over from the fog, and footsteps rushed towards them. The fog seemed to part, and three children came running out. All of them had bright smiles on their faces, and were waving to the two of them. Hesitantly, Aaron waved back while Julia stoically stood.

“Hi!” said a dark haired girl. She giggled once again before turning back to face the other two. “I’m Laura, and that’s Rick and Marie!” Laura raced up to them and grabbed their hands. “Come on! The gates are gonna close if you two don’t get in now! And you’ll be stuck out here forever, and they’ll catch you!”

“Gates?”

“Yeah. The fog doesn’t like to wait. Either you get in now, or forever hold you peace,” Rick said jokingly. His voice was low, but still held that childish innocence. Julia wondered if she still had it. Probably not. “Are you two supposed to be this year’s sacrifice?”

Julia shook her head. “Not me. Just Aaron.”

“Okay then. But they’re hunting the both of you, right?” Marie asked. Julia nodded. Aaron just looked downcast, as if he were ashamed. “That’s fine then. As long as you’re hunted by those creeps, you’re welcome here. Now come in. You’ve got a lot of questions you want answered, so Laura will take care of that.”

“Alright.” Julia turned to Aaron, who still wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Come on Aaron. We gotta see the new house and then you can make some new friends.” Aaron looked up at her, blue eyes opened wide.

“You’re not mad at me?” he asked, voice full of disbelief.

“No! Of course not. Why would you think that?”

“Because I made you go away from home. It’s my fault.”

“No it isn’t. It’s the cult’s fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. We’ll be just fine. We’re gonna get a new home and new friends and we’ll be safe.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really. Now come on. They’re gonna leave if we don’t hurry.” Aaron gave her a small smile and nodded. He grasped Julia’s hand and the two walked in silence. Marie waited for them patiently and trailed behind them, while Rick led the way. Laura just zoomed ahead with her arms held out, like a plane. She even made sound effects to go with it. Julia couldn’t help but smile at her immaturity, her innocence. She couldn’t be much older than Aaron.

“Where is this?”

“The Brotherhood of Shadows,” Marie said. “They want to rid the world of monsters, which means they want to get rid of children. I’m not sure why they didn’t take you, though.” Marie glanced at Julia, an eyebrow raised. Julia suddenly felt self-conscious under Marie’s emerald stare. She shrugged.

“I’m turning thirteen in a few days. Aaron’s ten.”

Seemingly satisfied by this answer, Marie nodded. “Every year, they sacrifice one kid from each house they visit. I think you know the rest. Laura was the first one to escape, maybe four years ago. She picked up Rick, and then me. We left, and found this place. So whenever we meet people who are escaping from them, we bring them here.”

“Four years? But Laura can’t be older than ten!”

“I know. She’s strange, but she keeps us safe,” Rick said, not turning around. “That’s enough for us. All of us.”

“All of you?” Julia inquired. Marie opened her mouth to speak, but it was Laura’s voice that permeated the air.

“We’re here!” she cried in a sing-song voice. Julia and Aaron glanced around, though they could see nothing except the endless fog. The humid air made Julia squirm; she really, really didn’t like it. It made her feel as if she was being suffocated. Besides, it was plain uncomfortable. Aaron didn’t seem to notice, and he just walked on in silence, trying to see something other than the abominable mist.

The group had stopped right there, right in the middle of somewhere. Laura marched up ahead and pushed her hand against the air, as if pressing an invisible button. Slowly, the fog rolled back, as if being herded elsewhere. Marie abandoned her post behind the siblings and stood next to Rick. Julia and Aaron watched the trio in silence.

Creak.

A door- it came out of nowhere!- swung open and Laura skipped in, a bright grin on her face. “Hurry! Everyone’s waiting for you.” Her short figure faded into the darkness, footsteps echoing into nothingness. Rick quickly followed Laura inside, posture stiff. His dark hair easily blended with the black, until they could see no more of him. Marie quirked an eyebrow at the Smyth siblings.

“You guys coming?” With that, she strode into the dark tunnel before them, leaving Julia and Aaron alone. Julia shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. The tunnel didn’t seem harmful, but disturbing.

“Julia? Can we go in?” Aaron whimpered. He looked afraid, but of what, Julia didn’t know. His eyes were wide, staring at the gates. Julia looked to him, poor guy, and nodded.

“Let’s go.” She grabbed Aaron’s hand and stepped into the gloom, trying her best not to panic. Dark, black, all around them. Shadows closing in, gnarled hands reaching out to grab them. Steal their life, eat them, then leave them to digest in the rotting acids. The mist was coming closer again. It was clinging to them, not letting them leave. Julia’s breath started coming in short bursts, sweat sliding down her moist skin. No sound, just empty. Don’t let the scream out. Don’t let the shadows hear you-

Julia staggered back, a bright light directed into her eyes. She furiously rubbed at them, trying to get the multicolored spots to go away. She would have let out a yelp of pain, had she not heard Aaron’s voice. “Julia? I got the flashlight… Are you okay?”

She nodded, not trusting her voice, and continued. Her hand tightly grasped Aaron’s and the two made their way onwards, their path illuminated by the flashlight. Julia could see stone walls dripping with brownish water, moss snaking up them like vines. She could see jagged holes filled with something that gave off a horrid stench. What was it?

“There’s a light.” Julia’s head snapped up after hearing Aaron. He was right. A bright splotch, the shape of a circle. Hope flared up in her mind; they were almost out of the tunnel! She held Aaron’s hand tighter with renewed energy. Laughter and music drifted to them, carried by the sweet-smelling breeze. Julia glanced up and she could make out hazy silhouettes. Exhausted yet determined, she and Aaron continued walking, walking towards the light. Despite it sounding so cliché, Julia couldn’t help but think it an appropriate description.

At last, they emerged out of the darkness, out of breath, but strangely ecstatic. They had hardly been here for ten minutes, and it already felt like home. Aaron had a huge grin on his face, dirty teeth showing. Julia would have scolded him for it earlier, but hygiene didn’t seem that important at the moment.

Laura was waiting for them when they emerged. Marie and Rick were nowhere to be seen, lost in the haze. Laura’s chestnut eyes were glimmering strangely. They had emerged at a rundown settlement, shoddy and barely big enough to house ten people. However, dozens of children ran about, some no older than five, chasing each other and playing music on crudely carved flutes. The notes were strained and…frizzled, but there was no other sound as pleasing.

“This is- I-“ Julia could not find words to express her joy, the wondrous feeling inside of her. Aaron had immediately taken off, running around with everyone else. She soon lost him as he weaved through the huts and trees, the other children welcoming him without so much as a question. They simply accepted him into their fold, since he was just like them.

Laura smiled, before her distinct laughter finally broke free. Julia glanced over at her, noting the shimmering lights hovering above her skin. They were blood red, and glittered in the hazy light. “Laura?” Julia tentatively asked. “Is something wrong?” Now that the euphoria of the moment had worn off, she could definitely sense that something was off. Besides, the lights were quite a big give away. “What are those?”

“You name is Julia, right?” Her tone seemed menacing, a sharp contrast to her squeaky voice. Slowly, Julia nodded. “Julia Smyth, twelve years old? Turning thirteen next week?” Again, she nodded. Laura’s smile turned dangerously feral.

“What are you doing?” Julia asked as Laura advanced. The young girl held out a hand, and the lights moved. They snaked up her arm, tails of crimson arcing down. “L-Laura-“

Thump.

Julia’s body hit the ground, a hole in her chest. One of the lights returned to her arm, dripping fresh blood. Laura looked almost nonchalant as she stepped onto Julia’s body which was already turning to dust. A single, tiny red light tunneled out of the mound, pulled into Laura’s own body. After a while, it would grow big enough to break out.

“You’re almost an adult, Julia. It wouldn’t be good if an adult was here. This is just for children. The adults have a Light in them, but not a good one. I’ll make sure your Light is a good light. And then you can come out, just like all the others.” Laura’s grin returned back to normal, just as Marie and Rick came up to her.

“Something wrong, Laura?” Rick asked. Laura’s smile widened. “Where’s Julia?”

“She went to use the potty.”

“Oh. Well then, I’m off.” Rick departed, walking off towards one of the huts. Marie stared dubiously at Laura.

“Did something happen to Julia?” Laura shook her head, hair flying all over the place.

“Nu uh. She told me to wait for her, ‘cause she wanted to see it.”

“See what?” Laura shrugged and turned away, pretending to glance over to the forest. Laura looked at the children hiding up in the trees, and she could see their Light- pure, icy blue- hovering just above their heads. Then, she glanced over at Marie, noting that her Light was beginning to turn red. Laura smiled.

“The Light.”


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122 Reviews


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Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:10 am
WaterVyper says...



Thanks for all the critiques! I'll try and fix this up soon. I originally wanted it to have a happy ending with Julia and Aaron having a good home, but Laura is just too creepy. I found an opportunity, and I took it.




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Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:00 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Promised Review #1 :

WaterVyper wrote:“Julia?” Aaron asked.

Just a general pet peeve of mine is when things start out with dialogue. Opening lines should be attention grabbing. So many people judge whether or not they will buy/read a book based on its opening line.
Make it stand out :)

WaterVyper wrote:Julia turned to her little brother, while still keeping an eye on the strange mist headed their way.

This felt awkward to me. Maybe start the piece out with the mist and really describe it so we get a good sense of whats going on. This just felt like a slightly random time to mention this potentially huge thing.

WaterVyper wrote:[s]Just[/s] out of the corner of her eye, she could see the tip of Aaron’s baseball cap, jammed tight over his head of brown hair. The wind was near unbearable, and Julia fought to keep her blonde hair neat.* Not that it would matter anyway. Who would notice another ruffle in her matted hair?** ((New paragraph here)) Idly, Julia wondered if it would be rain next time. Weather certainly seemed screwed here. The spire of the building rose up into the air, a beacon, a signal. How Julia never noticed this place before, she would never know. But now, it was a haven.

*: If the wind is unbearable, you're probably not trying to keep your hair neat, that's the least of your worries :)
If you really want to do something with hair here, I would rephrase it and say something like 'out of her face'.
**: This phrase doesn't really go with what you previously said. When you said 'neat' I got the impression that she has this nice, pretty, perfect hair. Change one.
I'm not 100% sure if you really should make a new paragraph where I indicated. That first phrase seems sort of odd to me, where you placed it.

WaterVyper wrote:“Yes, Aaron?” Julia asked, keeping her voice down. She turned to stare at him, taking in his ragged appearance. The red shirt she had gotten him for his birthday was stained coffee brown with dirt and dried blood, and she almost forgot what color it was. His short brown hair was crudely cut; she still kept the Swiss Army Knife in her pocket. She felt bad about stealing it, but they had no choice. Trekking across the country was dangerous, more so when you were being hunted.

*: Rephrase this. Personally, I would say something along the lines of 'The shirt she had gotten him for his birthday was so stained with dirt and dried blood, that she had almost forgotten what color it was supposed to be.'

WaterVyper wrote:At that thought, Julia felt the smile slip from her face. They were gone. Both of them. Lost in the fire. Served them right.

This felt very random to me.

WaterVyper wrote:‘Monsters,’ she thought. ‘They called us monsters.’ Carefully turning away so Aaron wouldn’t see her face, she scowled bitterly. ‘Stupid rituals. Stupid Mom. Stupid Dad. Stupid cult.’

This also felt very random to me. Maybe explain some of this stuff more so the reader has a better understanding as to what it going on.
Right now, the thought that just came to my mind was the Series of Unfortunate Events. Both parents died in a fire because they were in a very mild form of a cult. Don't worry, so far, that's the only similarity and it's not even a big one :)

WaterVyper wrote:It was Mom and Dad’s- no, Miriam and Tyler’s fault that they were on the run, like fugitives. She used to love watching those television shows where the criminal would go into hiding, and the police always found them. Now, they were the criminals, and those fanatical cult members were the police. If they were caught, they would be taken to that table, strapped down, and then the knife would come slashing down, and it was over.

bold part: I would take this out, it feels awkward to me.
Isn't that punishment a little severe? They're just kids. What did they do?

WaterVyper wrote:“Are you two supposed to be this year’s sacrifice?”

Julia shook her head. “Not me. Just Aaron.”

“Okay then. But they’re hunting the both of you, right?” Marie asked. Julia nodded. Aaron just looked downcast, as if he were ashamed. “That’s fine then. As long as you’re hunted by those creeps, you’re welcome here. Now come in. You’ve got a lot of questions you want answered, so Laura will take care of that.”

If the effect you wanted here was for the reader to go 'what the heck' you've succeeded :D

WaterVyper wrote:“No it isn’t. It’s the cult’s fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. We’ll be just fine. We’re gonna get a new home and new friends and we’ll be safe.”

What cult!? I'm really curious :)

WaterVyper wrote:“Four years? But Laura can’t be older than ten!”

“I know. She’s strange, but she keeps us safe,” Rick said, not turning around. “That’s enough for us. All of us.”

What do they not age?

WaterVyper wrote:“We’re here!” she cried in a sing-song voice. Julia and Aaron glanced around, though they could see nothing except the endless fog. The humid air made Julia squirm; she really, really didn’t like it. It made her feel as if she was being suffocated. [s]Besides, it was plain uncomfortable.[/s] Aaron didn’t seem to notice; [s], and[/s] he [s]just[/s] walked [s]on[/s] in silence, trying to see something other than the abominable mist.


WaterVyper wrote:The group [s]had[/s] stopped [s]right[/s] there, right in the middle of somewhere. ((? This sounds awkward. Nowhere?)) Laura marched [s]up[/s] ahead and pushed her hand against the air, as if pressing an invisible button. Slowly, the fog rolled back, as if being herded elsewhere. Marie abandoned her post behind the siblings and stood next to Rick. Julia and Aaron watched the trio in silence.


WaterVyper wrote:“Let’s go.” She grabbed Aaron’s hand and stepped into the gloom, trying her best not to panic. Dark, black, all around them. Shadows closing in, gnarled hands reaching out to grab them. Steal their life, eat them, then leave them to digest in the rotting acids.* The mist was coming closer again. It was clinging to them, not letting them leave. Julia’s breath started coming in short bursts, sweat sliding down her moist skin. No sound, just empty. Don’t let the scream out. Don’t let the shadows hear you-

*: I would put this in italics.

WaterVyper wrote:Julia could see stone walls dripping with brownish water, moss snaking up them like vines. She could see jagged holes filled with something that gave off a horrid stench. What was it?

Good description. :)

WaterVyper wrote:Laura was waiting for them when they emerged. [s]Marie and Rick were nowhere to be seen, lost in the haze. [/s]Laura’s chestnut eyes were glimmering strangely. They had emerged at a rundown settlement, shoddy and barely big enough to house ten people. However, dozens of children ran about, some no older than five, chasing each other and playing music on crudely carved flutes. The notes were strained and…frizzled, ((?))but there was no other sound as pleasing.


WaterVyper wrote:“You’re almost an adult, Julia. It wouldn’t be good if an adult was here. This is just for children. The adults have a Light in them, but not a good one. I’ll make sure your Light is a good light. And then you can come out, just like all the others.” Laura’s grin returned back to normal, just as Marie and Rick came up to her.

What?! :shock:

WaterVyper wrote:
“Did something happen to Julia?” ((new paragraph here))Laura shook her head, hair flying all over the place.



weeeird!!!!
I really liked it though. The plot is seriously intriguing. Man, if this were an actual book and I was reading it, I would probably be freaking out right now :D
You should seriously continue this and please PM me if you do!

If you need something clarified feel free to ask :)

-Carly




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Mon Feb 16, 2009 3:58 am
ZakkuAlpha wrote a review...



This is a very interesting story. A few things you could fix up:

At that thought, Julia felt the smile slip from her face. They were gone. Both of them. Lost in the fire. Served them right.

‘Stupid rituals. Stupid Mom. Stupid Dad. Stupid cult.’

-In these two places, I noticed that you could combine the four short sentences together to make it read more easier.

-You kind of over use "find a home and make friends" alot in the beginning of the story.

Creak.

-I think you should italicize the sounds to distinguish them from the rest of the story.

-Also The children kind of come out of nowhere. It's a tad strange. Mabye you should say that Julia noticed eyes watching her in the distance or something like that.

-Julia's death is a bit random, mabye you should have Laura lead her behind a hut and kill her or something so its not so random

Nice story, I hope you are continuing the story.




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:22 pm
thefireinmeisJC wrote a review...



I'm finding myself having an urge to review stuff...

Anyway, hello! This is JC talking/typing/babbling/reviewing.

Julia turned to her little brother, while still keeping an eye on the strange mist headed their way. Just out of the corner of her eye, she could see the tip of Aaron’s baseball cap, jammed tight over his head of brown hair.



The word "jammed" doesn't work here; kinda awkward to me. . Its almost redundant since "tight" gives the same expression.

Idly, Julia wondered if it would be rain next time. Weather certainly seemed screwed here. The spire of the building rose up into the air, a beacon, a signal. How Julia never noticed this place before, she would never know. But now, it was a haven.


Ok, there's too many little bits of information here. First, her brother asks for her. Then, she looks at him. She wondered about the weather. She looks at a building and then thinks its a haven? This is a tad confusing about what is happening.

She smiled and started stroking his hair gently.

I thought he had a hat on?

Ok, everything after this reads like an info dump. You use dialogue to keep the reader up in what is happening. You have a nice story, just try to figure out another way to tell everything. I suggest starting the story earlier in the sequences of events. Maybe right after the fire? You have a lot of potential and it seriously reminded me of how I wrote my stories.


It was Mom and Dad’s- no, Miriam and Tyler’s fault that they were on the run, like fugitives. She used to love watching those television shows where the criminal would go into hiding, and the police always found them. Now, they were the criminals, and those fanatical cult members were the police. If they were caught, they would be taken to that table, strapped down, and then the knife would come slashing down, and it was over.


Example of an info dump. Especially "...Now, they were the criminals.." part is pure telling instead of showing.

Marie, Laura, and Rick also give info dumps in the form of dialogue.



“The Brotherhood of Shadows,” Marie said. “They want to rid the world of monsters, which means they want to get rid of children. I’m not sure why they didn’t take you, though.” Marie glanced at Julia, an eyebrow raised. Julia suddenly felt self-conscious under Marie’s emerald stare. She shrugged.

“I’m turning thirteen in a few days. Aaron’s ten.”

Seemingly satisfied by this answer, Marie nodded. “Every year, they sacrifice one kid from each house they visit. I think you know the rest. Laura was the first one to escape, maybe four years ago. She picked up Rick, and then me. We left, and found this place. So whenever we meet people who are escaping from them, we bring them here.”


Overall: Loads of potential in plot and story. All you need to do know is figure out another way to show your reader the brilliance of it :D

Pointers:
1. Dialogue: Keep it realistic!
2. Info: Show don't tell!
3. Characters: I want to know a little bit more about Julia. Try to develop her just a bit more.

Great job WaterVyper! I can't guarantee that I review the next part of the story...I have a bad memory like that :wink: But I'll try!




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Sun Feb 15, 2009 11:47 am
LlamaDuck wrote a review...



Just a few things, here you say Aaron's hair is brown...

she could see the tip of Aaron’s baseball cap, jammed tight over his head of brown hair.


...and all of a sudden it's black???
His short black hair was crudely cut;


I was confused about who was talking here. Is it Laura or Marie?
“Did something happen to Julia?” Laura shook her head, hair flying all over the place.


and here...
“See what?” Laura shrugged and turned away
,
maybe you should have added more Laura saids and Marie saids

“The Light.”
Loved the single line ending.

It was a great story though, strange and a little creepy too.





If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman