wow i love this one ;p go write songs now you would be good at that
Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
A barrel full of rocks on his back
Wasn't there in the beginning.
Barrel: yes. Rocks: no.
Added up over the years;
One for every time he got called a "loser"
or "idiot", "retard", "freak", "fuck-up", "worthless".
One rock doesn't do much,
Just shrug it off at the time.
Into the barrel it goes,
Nesting stolidly with the others.
Another two for a hateful glance,
Five for a betrayal.
Nobody and Anybody. The only people he knows.
Nobody sees the barrel.
Nobody takes out the rocks.
Nobody is his friend,
Anybody is his enemy.
Years pass,
the barrel fills.
His back aches
From the increased weight that he carries.
He doesn't see the weight
Contained in everyone else's barrels.
They're invisible to him,
just like his is to them.
He starts wondering why
He's the only one with a barrel.
He resents it;
Why should he be the only one with a barrel?
Fuck this barrel.
"I'll pour it out on someone else."
But he's carried it for years,
Slowly building up this weight.
They have barrels too,
They don't have strength for two.
They snap,
He snaps.
Front page news:
"couple commits suicide"
But up above it all he knows
That it wasn't suicide, it was an implosion.
After you're dead you see
Everyone's barrels.
He asks for a second chance,
But you only get one barrel.
i am openly underwhelmed.
this is a simple poem and that's not a good thing. you cover a topic that's a dead horse, you're beating it with a baseball bat. i imagine that you're trying to evoke an emotional catharsis out of your readers but this fell flat for me. i didn't quite get the point of this poem, either. i think it would be anti-bullying, but it does nothing to fully utilize that. instead it's like "oh look at him others judge him so they're all going to commit suicide don't be mean be understanding". the barrel analogy was interesting, so that's a good thing.
thanks.
If you take a look at my other works, I don't have a theme, it's just what pops into my head to write about.
o_0 that was my face while reading it! Dude seriously this was awesome! you have got a great imagination! "Barrel " amazing use of metaphor... and the ending was really mind bobling!
P.S.- you know what i just now noticed that I've reviewed 3 out of your 4 works and am planing to review the forth one too.
I love the extended metaphor in this. Everything in this poem is solid and hard-hitting. The profanity sort of helps to drive the frustration home, and I love how the metaphors for barrels are used. I'm a little foggy on that. Are the barrels lives? Chances? The ambiguity makes for a more interesting read, I think. All in all, it's well-written and thought out while the narrative itself is gripping and somewhat relatable. Keep up the good work!
feel free to message me and discuss it moreHey there Watchdog1324. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
First off, you need to change the rating on your piece to 18+. The YWS Code of Ratings(I guess it could be called that) basically says if you use the f-word even once you must have a 18+/Mature rating. Check out the rules yourself or ask someone else but I'm pretty sure that's correct.
I have started using a new way to review on poems and this is only the second poem I've reviewed this way. My apologies in advance if I mess up.
A barrel full of rocks on his back
Wasn't there in the beginning.
Barrel: yes. Rocks: no.
Added up over the years;
One for every time he got called a "loser"
"idiot", "retard", "freak", "fuck-up", "worthless".
One rock doesn't do much,
Just shrug it off at the time.
Into the barrel it goes
Nesting stolidly with the others.
Another two for a hateful glance,
Five for a betrayal.
Nobody and Anybody. The only people he knows.
Nobody sees the barrel.
Fuck this barrel.
"I'll pour it out on someone else"
Are you doing NaPo?
I will not be doing NaPo as I do not have the literary prowess or reliability to participate
Hello! I've not been on this website for very long so I'm still learning how to properly write reviews. Please feel to completely ignore my advice or at least take it with a pinch of salt, I'm still learning.
First of all, I really enjoyed this poem. I like the whole idea behind it and I think the use of short, quite blunt sentences helps to create a climax. I definitely got the sense that something was going to happen at the end, that he could only hold on for so long. I really enjoyed the line "Nobody and Anybody. The only people he knows.' I think that is a really interesting way to describe his situation and outlook on life.
The only criticism I have is the last six lines. I've read them over several times, but I don't understand quite what they mean. It's a bit disorientating as I was waiting for a conclusion to his struggle, and then I was left a but confused. It might simply be because I'm not reading it in the right way or there's a hidden meaning, but it just appears quite unclear to me.
Anyway, I hope that was in some way helpful, it probably wasn't but I'm trying. I do genuinely love this, hope you have a great day!
I'll edit this because looking back it is pretty vague, but it symbolizes that he's "up above it all" in heaven. Or at least, whatever's next. That's a different conversationBut up above he knows
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