My mind, wrangled by puppet strings.
Looming forefathers;
Silencing every neuron,
That speak of aspiration.
If all it takes is to empty a revolver’s cylinder,
To taste the fleeting bout of freedom,
There is no greater exchange.
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139,211 Literary Works • 672,511 Reviews
Hi watashi0kowasu interesting name by the way. Rodger here for a hopefully short review
First and foremost l want to say job well done for writing this
What l like about this;
Drama- I can feel a bit of intensity in this piece , it's about someone trying to find a way out. when you say; If all it takes is to empty a revolver's cylinder
To taste the fleeting bout of freedom
Just from this two sentences my mind started to thing of the endless possibilities of situations that this person finds him/herself in. Yes l like to use my imagination all most all the time.
Emotion- This few lines carry a lot of emotion if you just read it carefully you will come across that.
What l don't like about this piece is;
It is tooooo!!! short, l think it would have really evolve into something great if you just went on a little bit deeper.
Besides that great job and Remember to keep on writing.
Hey there Watashi and welcome to YWS! I'm just dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
For a rather short poem, this starts to stretch into the questioning phase, and you're laying it on a bit heavy. The message is great and everything, and your word choice is doing pretty good, but the presentation just isn't appealing to me. Most of the 7 line dramatic poetry I come across is people crying about their lovers, so I was certainly surprised by this, but with the serious perspective in mind, it's a bit of a letdown.
You obviously don't have that much space to get to your point, I just think you could have utilized it a bit better.
And to really talk about that idea, we have to take a look at your word choice and where you decided to have stopping points.
The first line is brought to a full stop before it even begins to explain how you want to use the metaphor, it just ends. Now aside from the fact this doesn't make much sense as a sentence, the flow would dictate that this line continues on, loops into the next thing.
The next line doesn't connect much and neither does the following lines, which just decide to throw in some fancy words but don't put much meaning behind them. The previous reviewer brought in revolutions and bigger concepts, but to me it's yet another piece talking about wanting to be free from parental control. Or maybe control by society but the speaker certainly doesn't seem like a rebel, just a complainer about his current situation.
I see now where the other guy might have been getting soldier or fighter, but the impression I'm getting is suicide. Which certainly makes the previous stanza make better sense, if this is in fact another piece about suicide and how it'll bring you freedom and all.
See I don't all together expect that much from the poems I find on YWS because they usually revolve around 4 main subjects: love, drugs, suicide and friendships. Please take that comment any which way that you choose, it's just a summary of saying why it doesn't stick out to me at all and why I find it rather simple, even when you obviously put a lot of work into it.
This is one of those pieces that has potential and with a bit of work, you might be able to do something.
If you've got any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to shoot me a PM.
Have a nice day.
~Lizz
Thanks for sharing. I like the way that the poem makes itself enigmatic and forces the reader to dig deeply for meaning. I understood it in the following way:
The speaker feels under too much control-so he likens himself to a puppet. He calls the puppeteers ""looming forefathers" because that is what their traditional demands establish them as if not prevented. Their control is so severe that it stifles normal aspirations, or as the USA Constitution points out, the right to pursue happiness.
Then the speaker delves on a solution which involves violence just as the American revolutionaries did. But unlike them, he seems to lack the confidence that it will bring permanent change since he looks upon the action as bringing a fleeting sense of freedom.
Suggestions:
Usually I don't mention the capitalization choices unless they interfered somehow with the flow of my read. In this case the capitalization of each first letter of every new line did.
The semi-colon stop of the first line is unnecessary because the line flows into the next one as part of a sentence. Careful with noun/verb number agreement.
"....every neuron that speaks...."