My mind, wrangled by puppet strings—
looming forefathers,
silencing e v e r y neuron,
that speaks of aspiration.
In this Birdcage of Our Time,
I struggle against the iron bars of dated convention.
I s p r e a d my wings,
only to find it rip/ped off me.
The shadow above me, blocking the sun, says in a deep cold voice,
“Flying is against the rules”.
The mask of the world melts away,
exposing the grand illusion,
the world loses its’ luster,
and fades to gray.
If all it takes
is to empty a revolver’s cylinder,
to taste the fleeting bout of f r e e d o m...
...There is No Greater Exchange.
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Thanks for sharing. Good to use metaphors to separate poetry from prose. That is a plus.
Here is how I understood the poem. I understand it as a calm, methodological expression of dissatisfaction with the conventions which stifle personal freedoms. As the saying goes
"The culture plays the music and we dance to it."
In harmony with this, the speaker compares himself to a puppet. Then compares the world to a birdcage-a prison created via socialization of its prisoners into cultural norms. Those who create this birdcage are identified as persons who are in the process of becoming our forefathers as explained to me in a previous review. A shadow blocks the sun, demands no aspirations and clips the wings of those aspiring to fly. The world is said to hide behind a mask. What that mask specifically is isn’t revealed lost or stifled freedoms are never mentioned,conventions that stifle them aren’t described. Neither are those specifically involved in the malicious scheming described. In short, all such details are left up to the reader to imagine or else to ponder. If that is the poem’s intention, then it succeeded in my case.
Suggestions:
Wondered how the definition of wrangled fits in with the st atment.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wrangle
“deep, cold voice,”
The expression “looming forefathers” didn’t convey the thought of present people who will gradually morph into forefathers in our recorded history as intended. Instead, it conveyed the image of ancestors who are looming.
The plural noun: “wings” gets a pronoun “them” not “it”.
BTW
I think that the poem would have been much more effective if it had used only one metaphor such as the birdcage or the puppetry, and expanded on it. Also, specific references or examples of how freedoms are stifled would have given the poem more punch. Why? Because then the reader can identify with the examples and feel something such as outrage, impatience, disgust, anger, sadness, disappointment. But just being calmly told without specifics will leave the reader cold.
Hullo WatashiOKowasu! Cat here to review your interesting poem! Okay then, here we go!
Before I jump into specifics, I noticed what a jumble this poem is. All the italics,
First, let's go through parts of your poem together, enspoilered below:
Spoiler
bold text, spaced words, and strikeouts make to poem look too busy. I see no reason for all of those; I get it if you use a few of them for emphasis, but all of this is an eyesore.
In this line, I have to ask myself, what in the world do you mean by forefathers? According to my Google search, forefathers is "a member of the past generations of one's family or people; an ancestor." I'm just not sure how that works in this poem.
What were you trying to accomplish with the slash? It didn't do much for me, it only broke up what little flow you had. I also noticed you used 'it' to refer to your wings; I would use 'them'.
During these last lines, you kind of lost me. I have no clue what you are trying to say here.
What I liked: I really like how you describe everything throughout to poem
What to fix grammar/spelling wise: I don't see anything!
Plot holes/confusing stuff: I know I said this before, but you need to keep your emphasis under control! It's a bit of an eyesore and it make it hard to read the poem.
Other random comments: This a very beautiful but confusing poem.
Well anyways, great poem! Good job and keep writing!
profile/WatashiOKowasu
Hello I am Ishan and I am here to review your work Birdcage
So here we go
1. As you said it is a revised edition of your poem with the same name, it is evident that you take the reviews seriously and hence I will have to opt for my words carefully.
2 Your Title.
Your title 'Birdcage' is a really good one
It gives us a glimpse of your work, telling us that your work is about some sought of feelings, related to frustration, anxiety and even depression.
2 Your Content.
This was really really impressive.
But I had to pinpoint some things, which I will do now.
"Flying is against the rule"
Here you have crossed 'Flying:'
Leading is to a confusion that, what is that is against the rules? And what is the sun talking about?
Just a suggestion:
Removing "Of our Time" could have been avoided
. It makes your poem look a bit more and why have you spaced words like
'every' and 'freedom' words?
What's the cylinder for in the third last line?
Does the line "There is No Greater Exchange." carry a lot of importance?
If yes, how? If not why is it highlighted?
Keep Writing!!!
Thank You
Ishan212