Vesta's Hearth

Hiya!

Okay, first of all, as a lover of Greek mythology, I air-high-five you. Not many people use this many characters.

The entire poem has potential, but it seems a bit...lifeless? Unpassionate? Apathetic? I dunno, either way, it fails to capture the reader, to draw them in and make them feel the mood. For poems like this to work, that HAS to happen.

One thing you might do to change that is work on your rhythm. Personally, I love writing in rhyme, but it's honestly really hard to do that WELL. A lot of your rhyming is kind of clunky and forced. Try to work on setting out a steady meter and sticking to it, using words that fit. for example,

WarriorOfTheBrimstone wrote:The collapsing core that holds the morals
Of Jupiter and Juno
Cannot affect our immortal bond
A love that makes the moon glow

Juno & glow? Not quite working. It's stuff like that, stuff like bumpy rhythm, that's going to be hard to work with when you're reading it.

Anywho, I digress. This is an amazing start, and I love all the reference to mythology, but just try to work on that rhythm and rhyme, okay? Great job!

Tootles!

~ Eden

I'm not that familiar with mythology, so I might not undestand some parts of this poem, but I will review it none the less.

WarriorOfTheBrimstone wrote:The water from the river Styx,
May consume the virgin land.
But the flesh of a love fomerly latent
Will sheild me from Atropo's hand (like the imagery in this stanza, but it seems out of sorts with teh rest of the poem)

With a body soft enough to comfort
Yet strong enough to defend
He takes my shredded optimism (shredded optimism doesn't sound right, I mean, optimism feels like it couldn't be shredded by its very nature, it would either exist or not)
And slowly starts to mend
No other love can warm the nerves
That were once frozen frigid
A heart that now is round and warm
Was before, rough and rigid (nice rhyme)

When the slicing breeze cuts down the cities
Of Athens, Ithaca and Troy
Within this homley hearth
I stand dteady with a boy (dteady? did you mean steady? I think steady with a boy sounds a bit out of place. You put him on the godly pedestal, then refer to him like a highschooler!)
The collapsing core that holds the morals
Of Jupiter and Juno
Cannot affect our immortal bond
A love that makes the moon glow (Forced rhyme. Sounds so trite.)

And though the silver crossbow
Strikes me with its independent forces
I fear to sat my loving heart, from my mind divorces
Every pleadge I gave to Artemis (pledge)
And every feminist song I sang (you go throughthe path of mythology, then you ruin it by using a modern word. Don't just say what you want, make it poetic.)
Is supplanted with the promise of his gentle kiss

He is my warmth and comfort
My soft place to lay my head
So instead of Jupitorian infidelity
I will give him more of me instead
He has Vesta's humble heart
And gives me a hearh and home (hearth)
I love a man of godly counteanance
Whom, to me will never need to atone (the last line clangs! So awkardly worded and weak compared to the rest. End with a bang, not a wimper.)

I thought you had some good points, but you need to work on exciting the reader, making them care about your love for this person. I hope my review wasn't too harsh, but the potential in this poem needs some work to be realised.