A Bird Without Wings

Hi, Warlord. This is Pinkie here for a review. I am sorry if this review will be short because I have stuff to do.

This is a good poem. It has really good ideas and imagery in this poem. However, the flow of the poem is kind of choppy. It messes me up sometimes, but it is a good masterpiece. Also, you need to uppercase the 'i', but you knew that from other reviewers. Well, this is a enjoyable poem. I like it. I like it a lot. I hope this review isn't too harsh for you. I really love to read more from you. Have a nice day and Happy July of Fourth!

Wonderful Job and Keep on writing!

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13

Sorry it was kind of short.

A touching piece. I liked the way you kept me guessing till the end, the suspense was as good as the emotive elements.
I've got to admit that I generally review more prose because that's what I specialise in but if I see an intriguing poem then I don't hesitate to review.
Also you followed me so I wanted to see your works like I do all the people I follow.
I have no nitpicks as they've all been pointed out already.
Happy writing...

Hey there Warlord! This was a really beautiful and interesting piece.

I do have several nitpicks though.

NITPICKING TIME!!!

Bounded in these chains,---> Now this part is fine but what comes after it bothers me.

Someone has stolen my dreams. ---> The S really shouldn't be capitalized since it's not the beginning of a sentence, or a Name, Place, Month, Holiday, ect.

I do not know if,--> Instead of saying 'I do not know' shorten it with the contraction don't 'I don't know if'

I will ever free from them ?---> This needs a little grammar love, maybe try something like 'I shall ever be freed from them.' changing the words to shall and freed sound professional. Also there shouldn't be a space between them and the question mark. It should be like 'I shall ever be freed from them?'

If i will ever,---> i should be capitalized to I

Come out of this hell ?-----> C shouldn't be capitalized and there shouldn't be a space between hell and the question mark.

Will my life ,----> There shouldn't be a space between life and the comma

Ever have colours ?-----> There shouldn't be a space between colours and the question mark. Also colours is spelled wrong, it should be colors.

All i have ,----> I should be capitalized and there shouldn't be a space between have and ,

Received from ,----> R shouldn't be capitalized also there's an unneeded space between from and ,

My fate ,---> M shouldn't be capitalized, there shouldn't be a space between fate and ,

Is hammer ,sweat and hate.-----> There shouldn't be a space between hammer and that comma it should look something like 'Is hammer, sweat and hate. Also it doesn't sound right. There should be an lowercase a between Is and hammer.

Will i ever have ,---> Unneeded space between have and , I should also be capitalized.

Books in my hand ?----> There shouldn't be a space between hand and ?

But all it ,----> There shouldn't be a space between it and ,

Seems like deserts sand.----> deserts doesn't need an s at the end. It shouldn't be plural.

A wind comes and blows everything away.---> It would sound better as 'The wind comes and blows everything away.'

All i am,---> I should be capitalized.

A bird without wings.---> A shouldn't be capitalized.

Someone has stolen,---> This is fine

The brightness of my life.----> T shouldn't be capitalized.

But what can ,----> There shouldn't be a space between can and ,

i do ?--- i should be capitalized and there shouldn't be a space between do and ?

i just hope,----> i should be capitalized.

that a day comes,----> This is fine.

when sun rises----> There either should be a period here or a period.

in my life .---> There shouldn't be a space between life and that period.

And rainbow colours my fortune---> Colors is spelled wrong and there should be a period.

Now i,---> I should be capitalized

want to break these chains .---> There shouldn't be a space between chains and that period.

I want to break this identity,----> This is fine

that i am---> I should be capitalized

a child labour .---> Labour is spelled labor and there shouldn't' be a space between labor and the period


I'm going to go over it and show you what it should look like. You don't have to make yours look like this but I just wanted to give you an example.

Bounded in these chains,

Someone has stolen my dreams.

I don't know if,

I shall ever freed from them?

If I will ever,

come out of this hell?

Will my life,

ever have colors?

All I have,

received from,

my fate,

Is a hammer,sweat and hate.

Will I ever have,

books in my hand?

But all it,

seems like desert sand.

A wind comes and blows everything away.

All I am,

a bird without wings.

Someone has stolen,

the brightness of my life.

But what can I do?

I just hope, that a day comes,

when sun rises,

in my life.

And rainbow colors my fortune.

Now I, want to break these chains.

I want to break this identity,

that I am.

A child labor.


Truthfully this could've used more descriptive language. Words repeat in this poem and there are parts where words are missing and such. You also need more contractions but over all you did a decent job.

I give you a 5/10 for effort.

With love, Scarlet; Writer, Artist, Student and Reader

This poem has potential. It's just the positioning of the comas makes it a bit harder to get the flow out. And the disturbing part is sometimes it rhymes and sometimes it just doesn't. Try to consider it more. I'll give an example for the first four lines.

--
Bounded in these chains

Someone has stolen my dreams.

I do not know

If i will ever be free?
--

It's just a suggestion but it sounds way more better like this in my opinion. And maybe you could adjust the line breaks. Make a single line break to make it more tidy and artistic I think(?)

Try to read it out as you write so you know where to put your pauses, and sometimes if when you're reading it out and it turns out not to be a question, then don't make it to one.

But I really liked the content, it could turn out to be a very good poem if you could just adjust everything into the correct order.

Hey!

Quite a poem you've got there!

I like the way you write. It's simple, fresh, and not too demanding of the reader.

I got the message from the first time I read it and that's what makes this piece rather strong.

I do, however, suggest that you cut down the number of commas. With every comma, my brain automatically pauses although I desperately want it to continue to read so that I'd find out what goes on next. But still, if you did it for a specific reason, keep it that way.

My favourite part was:

"All i have ,

Received from ,

My fate ,

Is hammer, sweat and hate."


because it gave off a bittersweet kind of vibe. I like it.


Good job.

Write more,
Anon

First off, CAPITAL 'I'S PLEASE sorry I am a grammar nazi about that. Secondly, I found the extra space before commas in some lines were an eye sore, so if you have the time lease edit that.

I haven't seen many poems about child labour, perhaps because it isn't easy to understand how it's like to literally have no actual childhood. I found that you had good examples and metaphors that sort of make it easier to understand how it may feel like.

Keep up the good work