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Young Writers Society



Metal-On-Metal

by WanderlustStardust


You made music.

It's what you love, I think.

Your music inspires me

And I want to tell the story I hear within

The title of that second to last

Isn't a statement,

But a question.

"Do you feel the same way?

Can you hear the monstrosity that I do?

Please, let this era die out."

Your song is beautiful,

Its crunch and scrape,

the metal-on-metal clangs,

I practically hear the texture.

Her voice,

Poetic with your words,

Polar opposite of what the world has made.

Crunch-scrape-scrape-crunch-crunch

And what of it?

Crackle-crunch-drop-drop-crackle

This is the sound that their music makes.

Crackle-fizz-scrape-fizz-crunch

You took my feelings, I swear

Pop-pop-fizz-crunch-f r e e d o m

Your song

Is the perfect mirror,

And I think I share your

Fellow Feeling.

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User avatar
364 Reviews

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

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Wed Jan 10, 2018 2:10 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello WanderlustStardust! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
You made music.

It's what you love, I think.

Your music inspires me{,}

And I want to tell the story I hear within{.}

The title of that {second-to-last} {of what second-to-last?}

Isn't a statement,

But a question.

"Do you feel the same way?

Can you hear the monstrosity that I do?

Please, let this era die out."

Your song is beautiful,

{i}ts crunch and scrape,

the metal-on-metal clangs,

I practically hear the texture.

Her voice,

Poetic with your words,

Polar opposite of what the world has made.

Crunch-scrape-scrape-crunch-crunch {having this as one long word bothers my OCD... maybe make it different somehow? Maybe format each word differently, like -- "Crunch, scrA P E, SCRApe, crUNCH, crunch" to enhance the way the onomonopeas are said}

And what of it?

Crackle-crunch-drop-drop-crackle

This is the sound that their music makes.

Crackle-fizz-scrape-fizz-crunch

You took my feelings, I swear

Pop-pop-fizz-crunch-f r e e d o m

Your song

Is the perfect mirror,

And I think I share your

Fellow {f}eeling.


My interpretation:



so you explained below that this is about a song? At first I thought that it was about someone that you loved or music you loved or something. Maybe include an author's note at the bottom saying that its a personal thing...? Never have heard the song before, honestly. Then again, all I listen to is angsty punk bands like Panic! At the Disco, Falling in Reverse, twenty øne pilots, etc.

Overall:



I did like it :D its a little drab, but then again, I just reviewed a poem made by probably one of the best poets here. I don't like the formatting, how it's in the middle (I did that when I'm an amateur so not I'm not doing that unless it's intentional or actually needed for formatting something, like falling down or crisscrossing or something if you know what I mean) but I do understand why. Keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image


This review courtesy of
Image






XD Thank you for the review!

So the "second-to-last" part was actually supposed to have a comma, I think. I was writing this so quickly and at school during a class, so I forgot little things like that.

And wow, I never thought about the onomatopoeia like that at all! That actually describes the way it sounds, and it was boring written just as a straight line compared to the lines that you had. I'll definitely look into that.

"Fellow Feeling" was actually supposed to be capitalized, as it's the name of the song this is based/inspired on/of. Nobody knows that. I should make a note of that, haha ( %u2022%u2304%u2022 %u0942 )%u2727

Again, thank you for the review. I will fix all the grammatical/format errors and will definitely make a note at the bottom XD XD

The song is "Fellow Feeling" by Porter Robinson if you want to go check it out!!



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160 Reviews

Points: 12700
Reviews: 160

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Mon Jan 08, 2018 10:09 pm
Valkyria wrote a review...



Hiya! I adore this poem. I was going to review in class, but I forgot my password lol.

You really put your emotions forward in here. There are some very powerful lines that just stick out to you. My favorite being the onomatopoeia at the last stanzas. Really stood out to me.

And the way you made freedom a part of "Pop-pop-fizz-crunch-freedom" is so so powerful. It gives me chills yet adrenaline reading it.

I am very excited to read your next poems!






Ayy thank you!! >w<

The song this was based off of is very powerful, and I tried to put it into words as best as I could.

Its actually a great song, you just need to get past the fact that
1.) It's electronic/dance-ish?? That's what the genre Porter Robinson does
2.) The drop is weird and hard to listen to at first. It's very crunchy (hence the onomatopoeia) and just harsh. But once you know the meaning behind it, you realize it's a lot deeper than the sound of metal scrapes and crunches.
3.) Actually, the song is all-around odd to listen to if you haven't listened to any of Porter's works before, and it's especially odd because he doesn't do heavy drops.

Oh and the last line of the onomatopoeia is actually when the drop is released and the song goes back to violins and piano

I might have a small obsession with this song




cron
Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri