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Hey, Wanderlust! Artemis here for the Final Countdown. Happy Review Day! Oh, and welcome to YWS!!!!!!

So, I honestly have nothing to say about this except the length of some of the lines. Most of them were simple, short and sweet. However, time after time you revealed an extremely long sentence. I would suggest breaking those up to match the rest of the poem, or extending the other lines. I think it would make this poem a whole lot neater, but that's just my opinion. You choose.

I think there was nothing wrong with this other than that. The ending was creative, and it kind of sent shivers down my back. Was that your intention? Because if it was, you passed, with an A.

Congratulations on an awesome work!

-Artemis28 (Go Team Zenith!)

Hey there, Wanderlust! In this review, I'm just going to be reinforcing some of the others points.

Let's get started, shall we?

Okay. Like fortis said, I don't want to go through specific ideas here. The main idea of the poem /is/ cliche, and it /is/ overused. It doesn't make sense to change the whole thing now. This was the classic "death / sorrow / death / death / death" poem. Some of this is said in slightly more original ways, like "cloud of self hatred", but mostly it's just "all the pain" and "tears" and "death". I'd love to see you really expand on the former idea, and cut down on the latter.

I understand that, when you're going through something like this, that can be all that goes through your mind--death / death / tears / pain, but I really want to make it something more. I think the issue here is not with your concepts, but with the way you express these concepts. Yes, the narrator is going through a terrible time, but we (as readers) want to be engaged during that time. Try to find more original ways to express less original concepts. As a poet, you want us to think of things we "know about", and envision them in different, more evocative ways. That's not really what you're doing here. I did like the "tri..." at the end, but I felt that was a bit cliched, too. You're romanticizing a bit, I think.

Finally, I'd love to see specific instances in the narrator's life, like flashbacks. We don't see much of his/her life, just random sprinkles of abstract concepts here and there. It makes it really hard to connect to and think of the narrator as a complex individual, which he/she is.

Anyhow, sorry for the short review. I want to help you as much as I can, but this seems a bit... off to me. PM me when you have a second draft.

IronSpark

Hi Wanderlust! I like your username!

So, the review I'm about to give you is probably going to be harsh. Know that it's not you that I'm reviewing, it's not your abilities as a writer that I'm reviewing, it is simply this poem itself. I'm reviewing so that you can become a better writer by discovering things to watch out for early on. I've had some people who felt like they should stop writing after they've received a review. that is not what I'm trying to get you to do, I'm trying to get you to keep writing, but writing better every time. Also know that you are completely free to disregard what I have to say, but I suggest that you don't. I am trying to help you after all. With that, let's get jiggy with it.

SO.
The main problem with this is the main problem with almost all "emo" poetry. Because honestly, that's what this is. It boils down to, "people are me, I have all these emotions, darkness, nobody cares, I'm gonna kill myself." Dead. These kinds of poems are not enjoyable to read. The narrator focuses only on themselves, their pain, blah blah blah.
It's been written a hundred thousand times before. It is cliche. It's what every teenager writes in their diary. It's healthy to get out of your system, but it's not the kind of thing you should really share or that people really want to read.

Your title wasn't cliche. that's pretty much the only part of the poem that wasn't. The rest... all of it was. No exaggeration.

Usually I give suggestions on how to fix a particular poem, but for this, I say, learn from it. Don't write these kinds of poems in the future, and this poem will have served its purpose of a lesson. You now have a bank of things that are cliche. Don't use the things in this poem in other poems, or those poems will have cliches.

One thing you do have going for you a bit here is the flow. You got that down pretty well. It flows together nicely, so good job on that.
The cliffhanger ending, while also cliche, was effective.
I like that you tried to put in a poetic device with the "trapped under a cloud" line, even if it was cliche too.
I like that you're trying to put emotion into your work, even if I didn't personally feel anything because you provided no sympathetic link between the reader and the narrator.

I hope this helped you, and I hope this inspired you to keep trying! That's what I was trying to do. Keep forging your way down the poet's path. We all start here, even I did, so you can do it! I believe in you!
If you ever have any poetry questions, I am willing to help answer them!
Keep writing!
~fortis

Hello! Elysium here with a review.

I felt that the poem was okay. You didn't do the best job, but you did try, honestly. There are nitpicks to the poem.

First, I did see you used a lot of repetition in the poem. I find repetition annoying when it's overused as you used it. I would just calm down on that.

Also, I will note this now, as xJupiter said about this line.

The feeling of being trapped under a huge cloud of self hatred

Hello! Seeing as this is your first of published work, you are going to need some critiquing! So let's get started.

Firstly, welcome to YWS! And it seems you've made some grammar mistakes and things around that area. But know that reviews are simply one's opinion, don't take it personally! And if you can't handle a review, don't post, because you're going to get a lot of reviews in the future.

So, that being said, I felt that this entire poem could use some better spacing; I've made this mistake in a poem as well. You need to divide it into stanzas, it just looks much smoother reading it down when you have them.

Also, the lines "Everywhere you go, Everyday of your life" could've been worded differently. It just doesn't sound very smooth and comes off as "choppy" to me. As well as "Nobody to see," This could've been taken out, seeing as later in the poem you wrote about "other people" who I assume were picking on whoever this poem is about. And then a little later in the poem you put in almost the exact same thing: "Nobody can see" which would be better as "Nobody will see" to go along with the rest of that section.

And your metaphor "The feeling of being trapped under a huge cloud of self hatred" could've been worded differently as well. You can't be trapped under a cloud, it's a cloud. It's made of air and gas.

And don't worry, I'm almost done here. "Mom Dad know it's not your fault" Oooh, that grammar mistake! Remember to watch yourself and check over EVERYTHING before you publish! It would sound smoother worded like this: "Mother and father, Know it's not your fault!"

Well, I will say that the ending of the poem was really nice. Great idea! But, remember to check your work before you publish.

-xJupiter ♥︎