z

Young Writers Society


12+

[UNHERO] Episode 1

by WanderingCloud


The people on the street and from their balcony threw white petals on the street, raining it on the golden lined round carriage. Pulled by tall and pearly white horses. Other people rained it down on the metal clad guards following it. Armed to brim, ready to protect the person inside the carriage.

A young guy climbed the back of a burly man. His nutty brown eyes shining in reverie and amazement, both on the carriage and the knights. Out of his awe, his mouth was agape and drool fell. "Now I can die happy."

Noticing the insolent bastard who climbed on his shoulder. "What the!" Said the burly man. "Get out of my shoulder you prick!" 

"Waaaa...!!"

"BAM!!" Splinters flew everywhere when he landed on the empty wooden crates. The boy laid there muddle headed.

"I-is someone there? Hey! Answer me." A young girl, 7 year old or so, called out. She feeled her surroundings. And a little table covered in silk. Displayed on it are kitchen utensils. What an oddity.

The guy scratched his head, "Y-yeah. I was recently thrown out. Heheh."

Clearing her throat, "Hm. You seem to be a good guy. D-do you want to see your destiny?"

He stood up, brushed off the splinters and dust. "No, thanks. Life is much more exciting with unknown enemies."

"J-just 1 golde..." She stuttered.

Shocked, he said, "W-what are you, a scammer!? 1 golde? Don't kid with me, kid."

"W-wait! I-Ill do it for 1 silvern. Just 1 silvern. I have yet to eat breakfast a-and I still have to earn for the next day and the the following day..." Tears welled-up in her eyes. She started sobbing. 

The man knew that he too is in a tough time. But damn, "Okay, lemme see my destiny. Go on." 

"I need to hold your hand." So the guy handed out his hand. 

Panicked, she said, "W-where is it? where are you?"

"Right in front of you." 

She waved her little arms around. "Are you playing dumb with me? Tsk." Contrary to what he said, he held the little girls palms.

When the girl made contact with his hand, she jumped in fright as if she 'saw' a ghost. Panting and sweating. The guy caught up to her and asked, "W-what's wrong?"

"I-it's just. Y-you you were born to save a princess."

"A princess!?"

"A-and slay a a... d-dragon! Yeah, a dragon. It is certain."

"Slay.... a dragon! Now that's believable, truly amazing!"

Coughing slightly, she handed out a palm. 

Baffled in the situation, the guy asked, "w-what now?"

"Ahem! payment. Ahem!" She coughed non-stop as if she would cough out her lungs later on.

Still surprised the audacity of this disabled girl, he got a coin from a his pouch. Placing it on the girl's palm.

Then she started to feel the objects in front of her and tied it to a bundle. "Go on hero. Save your princess and start your brave journey."

He sighed seeing this sight and walked towards his house, his grandfather's smithy.

Reaching up a corner, the little girl looked in his direction. She sighed, "That was close. Tsk. Not a really good person, he even tried to fool me, a "blind" child. Gave 1 brunt instead of silvern..." Laying down the utensils on the little table again.

"...and what do you mean by 1 silvern?" A hoarse voice said behind her. 

Scratching her head, "M-mom. H-how are you?"

The other eyebrow of his mother raised, crossing her arms, "You child. I only told you to watch the stall and all me if someone buys. Now you're scamming people. Where have you learnt that?" The mother reprimanded. The girl grinned, "Heheh... Of course, from you." 

The mother opened her palm and looked towards the sky. "Oh merciful God, please forgive this child. For she doesn't know what she is doing." 

Along the parade, following the knights, is the ministry. One priest in white robe saw this. He scorned and turned his head on a dark alleyway, seeing people sipping Vegies.  He murmured "What a world. Why have You let it come to this? If you really exist, help your people. Here and now."

Hearing this, the priest beside him reprimanded in a low voice, "Here you are again! Stop it or the head priest will hear you."

"Tsk. Go on, tell him. I don't care. Can't you see those people? Look at that child." Pointing to a little boy stealthily grabbing an apple on a cart and ran.

Wide-eyed the other priest joined his two palms, "Oh please, benevolent God. Help these people."

Then he drew a small golden circle in mid-air.

The apple on the little thiefs shirt slipped and flew back on the cart unnoticed.

Reaching the tall gates of the castle, the gold carriage came to a stop. Long horns and flags raised. Sewn on it, is a black sword inside a golden circle. The horns sounded. 

"Let us welcome the princess!" 

A guard opened the door, held out his hand to assist the princess. Dazzling shoes came about from the carriage. Slowly descending in careful minute a glassy heels to the red carpeted ladder. 

And she tripped. BAM! Head first. The guards were in panic. The horns choked on their rhythm. Other guards held the guard who assisted the princess, was brought behind the crowd. "Are you on Vegies!?" Another guard added. "He must be. If not, he could not have let the princess slip."

The princess, still on the ground, butt raised high. Elegantly rose up. Flourished her dashing bracelets. Flicked her golden hair back. And smiled. Daaazzling~!

Then blood trickled down from her nose. "Ouch" she said while smiling. Sparkles!

On that day, a proclamation was given to execute the guard who was supposed to help the princess descend, by hanging. On the King's throne, the princess cried to her father, "Father, please no. I don't want to see such a thing... huuuu- instead bury him alive."

The King scruffled his long beard, "Hm. Good idea. I don't want my daughter to cry again. Then, so it shall be." 

"Thank you, father." Unnoticable to the two, a dark vein twitched on the princess' nape.

Later that night, the princess was found dead in her room. The kingdom's healers suspected it to be poison. The whole castle was in disarray. Multiple guards were dispatched all around.

In another room of the castle, candles lighting it up. The ministry were in discussion. All them sweating cold and pale faced. 

The head priest said in trembling voice, "It can't be stopped. We can't do anything now. We're too late. It has begun." 


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95 Reviews


Points: 999
Reviews: 95

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Tue May 08, 2018 4:29 pm
Teddybear wrote a review...



Okay, first and foremost, it's not bad. Now I'm going to tear it apart. I didn't know what was going on. You should try and make it a bit smoother in that aspect, work on your transitions, no reader ever should be able to remember your transition from one event to another, it should be far too smooth for that. Your dialogue was stiff and was often a repeat of what you put in the narration, I would recommend finding these instances and making it so you only tell that reader what happened once, through dialogue or narration, you have to pick. Other than that it wasn't too bad. I'd give it a C.




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113 Reviews


Points: 181
Reviews: 113

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Tue May 08, 2018 3:33 pm
Bellarke wrote a review...



Okay, I want this to be a review, but i didnt see much wrong with it...

First off: Since this is the first chapter, I get why they do not have names. But they could use names, like Princess. you can name her example: Princess Alaine.

Secondly, the name idea:

I love the Idea and all of that. What I really couldnt understand was some of the unimportant stuff.

[quote]
"...and what do you mean by silver?" A hoarse voice said behind her.

Scratching her head, "M-mom. H-how are you?"

The other eyebrow of his mother raised, crossing her arms, "You child. I only told you to watch the stall and all me if someone buys. Now you're scamming people. Where have you learnt that?" The mother reprimanded. The girl grinned, "Heheh... Of course, from you."

[/qoute]
That was a good part that i liked.

OVERALL: I love this.





You wake up in the morning and it feels impossible? Good. You do it anyway.
— Martin Scorcese