The night was drowsy and stars were brighter than that of the light of the city below or the other way around. Anyway, the city below was glowed with lights and laughter glued to the air. There were smells like curry with steamed rice, fried fish with herbs and spices, and sand swept the air with the laughter. People were going from place to place, pointing and wondering away to see the marketplace of original foods or clothing, or maybe new foods and cultures.
Later, the royal family came through the tiny marketplace, their rings and crowns gleamed under the stars and lights. People stopped what they were doing and waved to them in which the royal family waved back to the people below themselves. As they made their way through the streets and marketplaces, the royal family stopped at a local theater near the center of town.
As they stopped, the queen named Queen Adaae stepped out with the king named King Haes and their two children, Princess Dae and Prince Dairk. They all walked up to the outdoor theater while the people of the village crowded around the small platform.
" Hello fellow people of Kawquernica and Dasnet. As you may know, today is the day that 3 random people are sent to go the town over the Sagnet Desert to ask the hand of Princess Rasde and to settle to arugement between Kawquernica and Dasnet and Yakehet," King Haes bellowed. He pointed to his wife and said," I too have been in this challenge to get my wife from Panskerstay, a town afar from here. I was with some other men, who fought sand dunes storms and deadly sandsliders but they didn't make it.
" As to make it fair, I have asked the men of the village to write down their names on some paper and put them into a bucket. By the way, there are at least 200 men in village and only 3 are making it through to get the princess. So we shall begin the name pulling," the king stated as a servant brought a bucket and put it on a table in front of him. Slowly, the king pulled out the first name.
" Aquarster Naswee." A little man came running through the crowd with a loose red shirt and black shorts with gold flip-flops. When he got to the stage, King Haes looked down at him like a giant would to a person.
" Congrads, Aquarster. You are the first of the 3 to be lead into this journey. Will you have seat over there?" The king pointed to three wood chairs on the fair side of the stage. Aquarster nodded quickly then ran over to the chairs and sat with a shivering grin.
" The next person to join Mr. Naswee is..... Jaye Qyn-Pask!" The king shouted at the wave of people. A person came forth from the front with long brown hair and wearing a grey shirt with apple-sauce colored pants and tennis shoes.
" Hello, Mr. Qyn-Pask! I hope you do well on your quest with Mr. Naswee over there," King Haes pointed to a chair next to Auqaster, who was shivering. Jaye nodded calmly and responde," If he could survived the test." Then sat next to Aquaster.
The king shrugged and looked up at the night sky," I see its a full moon tonight and the stars are shining like a bright suns of the galaxy." He grinned and looked out into the crowd.
" We have to pick one more person to be journey with Aquaster and Jaye. That person is.... Jeroge Winston!" A guy of a different color, some people said, stepped forward in front of the king. He bowed his blonde hair shifted as he bowed with respect and then stood up in front of him.
" Congradulations! You are the final person in our quest to get the Princess Rasde of Yakehet! Have a seat over there next to Jaye would you and then I can talk about the problems you may face," King Haes pointed to a wood chair as Jeroge sat there.
"So to start things off I want to say, how glad I am that these three men were choosen for this horrible quest through quicksand, dyhatration, and food supply. However, you are lucky since you get to ride on camel there instead of walking to Yakehat and back with the Princess, of course.
" In your pathway, there will be misdirection to keep you away from your trail like sirens on the road, pirates, and robbers yet you can bring a weapon of your choose also we will give you a bag filled with a surprise of such of as some of you will get grapes and water or one of you will get nothing or maybe you will get a gun.
" As to finish, remember this is a free for all so you can mislead the other players to going to a new team yet, however, I want you guys to have a team even though you are all going after the Princess. It will help you survive and together, supervise anything in your way but as I said, its a free for all so have fun or caution with your other team players.
" You will start tomorrow in the morning with your camels and by the way, there are some strongest or weak camels so fittest for the best so wake up earlier to get your best camel. Anyway, when you get you camel, my stable boy Ugene Hass will be there to help you find a path to your first desanation but you will find that tomorrow. So get some sleep or stay up, it your choose and to final it all, have a fun and amazing year. Lets give out soliders a clap and return to our festivals," King said as he clapped while Jaye, Auqaster, and Jeroge stood up ready for the next challenge tomorrow.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hey Waffle!
Please don't use 'anyway' as a narrative device in writing like this. I also fixed a tense issue.I should begin this by wishing you a warm, though belated, welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy yourself here.
So then... this was quite a weird little read. On the one hand, I really enjoy the idea of a race across a desert. A race where in the end, you might even get the girl. Or in this case; the princess.
Then again, on the other hand; things doesn't appear to make all too much sense. In fact, there are a lot of things which doesn't make sense in this. I'll see if I can gather my thoughts on it.
I guess I could start off with your setting. I have no idea where and when this is happening. You introduce us to this place which has a king and a royal family, old fashioned marketplaces and there's even an event where three people are randomly selected to journey across the desert to ask for the hand of a princess, thus ending the arguments between these cities. There are also camels to be used in this race, and there are stable boys. This all leads me to think that this story is set in an older time period. Then again, there also appears to be theaters in this town. So... I'm fairly confused about the setting.
That aside though, I do like the idea of the journey they have to venture on. Even the end goal of asking a princess for her hand in marriage. Like a test of valor. To some degree, it would go well with an older setting, so I would pin it down to that.
However, as I said, some things don't make a lot of sense. For instance; the king and the city in general, depends on one of these three guys to make it across the desert and marry the girl, right? To end the feuds and the arguments? Then why on earth aren't they prepering them for the journey? Not sending along any food, but instead handing out surprise bags which could be filled with anything. As well as not everyone getting a good camel etc. This seems very counterproductive to their goal.
There is also a bunch of grammatical errors within this piece. I won't cover all of them, but I'll bring up some good examples to help you along. Lastly, I realize you are quite young, and frankly, if I wrote as well as you do when I was that age... I would most likely be the new Shakespeare at this point. (Or at least Dan Brown)
Alright, I'll write as I go along:
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Several of your lines are confusing. Like this one, I'm not entirely sure what you mean by it.
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Unless their birth names both happened to include 'King' and 'Queen', then it's unnecessary to use it here.
As this happens in all your dialogues, I will quickly mention it here. Between all your quotation marks and the dialogue itself, you have a space. That space should not be there. As in;
"Hello fellow people of Kawquernica and Dasnet."
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A lot of small edits in this one. Added a few words that were needed, as well as a comma. You should also try to avoid using actual numbers within your writing. Just write it out instead.
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Quick word typo here, as well as an added comma. You also forgot to put in the last quotation mark at the end there.
They just stopped outside of a theater. Where did the table come from?
Red shirt? This guy is going to die, right?
Spoiler
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Some small edits.
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Wait. Now they are on a stage? And where did the chairs come from? Explain this stuff as you write along. There was also a typo there.
This is one of those things that stands out within the setting. I really feel like this should have a older timeframe, yet, here is a guy wearing tennis shoes. O.o
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Couple of grammatical errors.
I like the response the king has to what he said though. *shrug*
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Removed an unneeded word. Also, this line had a very common grammatical problem. Remember:
It's - It is
Its - Possessive
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Alternatively; "We have to pick one more person to accompany the journey with Aquaster and Jaye."
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Remove the first part.
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Repeated error.
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I moved the comma. This time, you also wrote out the number instead. Good.
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Quick typo. Also removed that last comma.
As I said earlier, I really don't understand why there would be misdirections and different obstables for them to overcome when they are depending on them. Same goes for the lack of weapons, food supply and lazy camels. O.O
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Typo.
Your final two paragraphs read very muddled. I'd clear them up. Other than this though, that's pretty much all I could say for this piece. I kind of like some of the plot points. I definately enjoy and look forward to the race itself, as well as what you are going to do with it.
I'd want more clarity though. The setting needs to be addressed, you need to develop a main character, or several POV ones, seeing as we are probably going to follow three of them. As well as their teams. I'm looking forward to all this. Even more so to see how your writing improves.
Because your writing is very good at this stage. As I said, if I wrote like this when I was younger, I would be awesome now. You are only going to get better and better. Hope me hammering in some grammar and plot lessions will help you. I'll try to get to your following chapters soon.
Keep it up, Waffles!
Cheers
Birkhoff
THANK YOU!!!!!! I know this may seemed confusing and misleading and in which I will take into knowing later on in my other chapters or stories... You have helped me and understand how to write much better
It can help me later on, like I said.
Many Thanks,
WaffleQueen
THANK YOU!!!!!! I know this may seemed confusing and misleading and in which I will take into knowing later on in my other chapters or stories... You have helped me and understand how to write much better
It can help me later on, like I said.
Many Thanks,
WaffleQueen
Heyy! Okay, this sounds like quite an interesting story, something I wouldn't mind to continue reading. It kind of reminds me of the Hunger Games, with the name drawing and the idea of a terrible journey to victory.
At the very start, the first sentence states:
The night was drowsy and stars were brighter than that of the light of the city below or the other way around.
To me, this is very confusing and doesn't really make sense. Maybe consider revising this into a simpler sentence or words that people will be able to understand more easily.
Also, in the starting paragraphs there is some description which of course is very good, but as the story progresses it just turns into clumps of dialogue and lack of description of the scene, such as are people scared? Are they all lined up? Is it men and women? What ages are the people? What is the atmosphere like? Things like this need to be addressed in more detail, so the reader can get fully engrossed into the book and feel like they are there. This is well written too, so it's a shame the dialogue overpowered the description of the scene.
So far so good, I am looking forward to some updates of this interesting piece of writing.
Overall I like the story. It's really interesting.
Negatives : You could explain the conflict between the three towns a little better.
I hope you keep writing.