After the Calling of the Names, everyone went back to celebrating or congradulated Aquaster, Jorge, and Jaye for being choosen to lead the quest. Later, there was a crowd over the three men ; mostly some were girls of the village. Anyway, when the crowd decreased, only few people out on the street, Auqaster, Jaye, and Jorge all decided it was best to go to bed since if they partied until 2 in the morning, they would be tired.
So they went to their separated house far from the sand-covered town and slowly went to sleep in their beds, with dreams of winning the princess.
*************
BANG!!! BANG!! BANG!!! on Jorge's door. Jorge fell out of the bed and onto the floor with a moan and sighed as he got up. He walked to the door and opened to see a small tan boy clanging pans together like a cyblem monkey, while dancing around. When the small tan boy saw Jorge, he stopped and ran down the hall to the steps that lead outside.
Jorge shrugged and closed the door to his room. He turned on a lamp near his side bed and picked out his clothes, food, and his choice of drinks. He was also talking his picture of his daughter, Rose. She was with his grandmother in England while he was here fighting to get a princess against two other men.
He sighed as closed his bag and put it next to door. He looked out the window and that people were busy in the streets, pulling carts or opening shops. In the morning light, he could see the castle that the king has came from and it shined in the morning like a gem.
He chuckled. He had always wanted a castle and today might be the day he would get one.
**********
On the far side of the city, Jaye woke up by his dog, Kang. He pushed Kang away from his slimy face, and saw that the sun was shining through his window. He strighted and yawned as he got up to fix himself some breakfast.
Kang followed him as Jaye reheated deer meat tacos the other night and had those with Kang next to his side. He sighed as he sat in the table, a chair emptied across from him only left by the dust of laughter from his fianee, Raawee.
She was his everything. His sunshine in the darkest of days and it was all gone because he couldn't help her with the payment of her uncle's farm. So what if he couldn't, they shared the money so why did he have to pay for it.
" He's going to be you father-in-law and he you to run it when he dies!" She had yelled at him one night. That was the night when he had lost this cool and struck forth and killed her. He didn't mean to it just happened like throwing water onto a fire and soon afterwards he had to throw the body away, so the cops didn't know what happen.
After the years of Raawee, not another lady had gone fore him. He was under a curse and he had tried very hard not to kill himself but if he did, who would watched over Kang?
After eating the deer-meat taco, Jaye packed up a bag with food, water, and a weapon that his great-grandfather had gave him when he was little; it was called The Lady's Blood. It could kill any man from far way if throw the right way to the head.
Anyway, as Jaye was about to leave, he walked Kang to his neighbor's house and patted his head then left to get the princess as his bride.
**************
Aquaster was the oldest out a family of 6. He wasn't the fittest nor the greatest sport-man like his brother, Lane. He was the outcast of the family while his youngest brother seem to get most the attention from when they were babies to know. Many of siblings got married and had jobs while Aquaster was at his house, sweeping his house from the sand that he tracked in.
He never liked the desert or in fact living under a bar, in the basement where noises seem to erupt out of the cracks. But Aquaster pulled through and silence until the day he would come forth to make friends. He was like the troll under the bridge but friendly if you got to know him.
He was alone in the world except when he found a cat and named it Rasse in an alley about to die. So he and Rasse spend the day talking to each other while the other cooks food for the two but sadly, Aquaster still felt alone and scared of the outside world and if he suppose to make it out alive against two younger people than him, how would he know what to do?
********
Later, all three men were out near the exit of the city of Kawquernia and Dasnet. The exit overlooked the Sagnet Desert and three camels stood close by one another, like the men.
Soon the stable boy, Ugene greeted the three men with a smile and a donkey named Wandy. He jumped down from Wandy and walked in front Aquaster, Jaye, and Jorge and nodded. Ugene looked over each men to see what he dealing with and what kind of trouble they could cause on this journey.
" Hello men and welcome to the beginning of this long challenge ahead for you. As you can see there are three camel; ones fast, ones medium, and ones like a turtle in honey. You must chose the right one in order to be on your way. Like the King Haes said yesterday, I will be giving you each a bag filled with either food, weapon, or nothing so if Jaye please come forth," Ugene stated as Jaye walked forward to the little bags that hung on a fence post near Ugene. When he got back, it was Aquaster's turn as he stepped forward rather scared and then speed-walked back, his head down.
Then it was Jorge's turn. He picked a bag and Ugene continued on with his notice.
" If you must, you may open them now but if you open them now, you can not be like ' I don't want this, I want he has'; you must keep it with you at all times since it might come in handy later on." Ugene went to Wandy and got three canteens and passed them to each men then smiled and said, " have fun and let the best man win."
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Hey, Waffle! Raven here for a review! I have scanned through the first chapter, and I must say: I like the story! However, I might be a bit ignorant considering it was a quick run through of everything.
So, shall we begin with the review?
The caps, three exclamation points, and italics seem a bit over excessive. I would settle for one exclamation point and maybe using italics.
So, this has me wondering... Is this whole adventure from the view point of Jorge or will it be from the other men too? Because, if Jorge's view point is used to whole time, the reader will be rooting for him. If we see from the eyes of other men we might be rooting for them. (I am reviewing as I go along so I am not sure if the POV has switched in the chapter.)
Hm... Considering that his daughter is living with her grandmother, and he is fighting for someone's hand in marriage, I'd say his spouse had died. Which is sad. (If I'm correct. I might be wrong.) Will their death be talked about, or explained at all?
OH, I was right! Multiple POVS! This is getting really interesting. Because now that we have several view points the reader is torn for who to cheer for. Oh, you brilliant author, you!
Er, I'm not sure if I like Jaye. He seems a bit too rash for my tastes. I would also worry for the health and well being of the princess. Oh, by the way, Jaye's part of the story, the fifth and sixth paragraph have the same starting word: "After."
Well, nice chapter and I hope you keep on writing!
~Rae,
Hello, Moalex here to review your work. Sad to say that I did not read your last chapter, but I will try to review this the best as I can. I'm going to be brutally honest with you. The amount of errors is unfathomable. I still make some errors in my works, but this reminds me of the first draft I've ever written. I'm not a professional but I'll try help the best I can. So I'm just going to nitpick a little bit and give you some advice that will help you in the future.
"After the Calling of the Names, everyone went back to celebrating or congradulated Aquaster, Jorge, and Jaye for being choosen to lead the quest."
^ First of all, in that one sentence. You have a past-tense and a present tense. Keep your story to a single tense. It's less confusing, and more organized. You spelled "congratulated" wrong and "chosen".
"Later, there was a crowd over the three men ; mostly some were girls of the village."
^ "Mostly some were girls of the village." What's this suppose to mean? Mostly some? So is it mostly of the girls of the village, or some of the girls of the village?
"Anyway, when the crowd decreased, only few people out on the street,"
^"Anyway" should not be there. You sound like you're talking to the audience. I'm going to assume you put the word there because nothing special happens during the time that the three men were being crowded.
Auqaster, Jaye, and Jorge all decided it was best to go to bed since if they partied until 2 in the morning, they would be TIRED.
^ This sentence was connected by a bunch of commas in with the previous sentence. You can split it into two sentences. Also, write in letters, not in numbers. You don't need to write the word "all" in "Augaster, Jaye, and Jorge all decided." You already listed the three people that you centered as "characters."
I'm not going to nit pick every single mistake I see because there are far too many. Some advice for you.
Keep your story in one time tense. Don't mix up a bunch of past tense and present tense, that only confuses the audience, and makes the story look unprofessional. I know that this might just be written for fun, but you'll never know who may enjoy your work and hope for it to be published later.
Proof read your story. The amount of grammar errors were tremendous.
What you did in your story was tell directly tell the audience what was happening. You were literally talking to us as if we're sitting around a campfire telling stories. Do not tell us the information like a document, or talk to us like we're in front of you, "SHOW" the audience, let us feel what the characters are feeling. Were they happy they were called? Shy? Nervous? How did they handle the crowd of people? What did they do during the celebration? I know nothing about what happened with the characters. It just jumped a bunch of scenes into the next sequence without experiencing what the characters went through. It was boring!
Read books, not some modern day stories that win a nobel prize because a bunch of people liked it. Read some classic literature that created the cornerstone of literature. Not only did you have uncountable grammar errors, but the description of your story, and placing of information needs work as well.
That's all from me. Hopefully you can revise this and make it better. I look forward to seeing a revised version of this story.