I wrote this when I was 10 for my sister before Christmas since she wanted it at the time as a gift. So I hope you enjoy and please say what you think!!!! Thank you!!
It was December in Pebbletown, the wind whipped and tiny snowflakes fell from the heavens. Many of the animals that lived in Pebbletown, were getting ready for Christmas by getting gifts and food for dinner. However, one animal a raccoon name Rin Jass, stood collecting wood with his best friend, a yellow goose named Tinna.
" You see, Tinna, winter is a problem for many animals since there is the sleet and the snow that could make the pebbled roads a trouble for us. But the good thing is, you can make that mint hazelnut tea," Rin Jass pointed out as he picked out a log with flurries. Tinna nodded and picked up a big stick.
" You know, Rin Jass, I only make that mint hazelnut tea for Christmas or something special. I need the hazelnut and mint leaves with nutmeg spice plus I need to go shopping for this before Christmas," Tinna inquired as she looked at the grey, cold sky.
Rin Jass sighed as he picked up his logs and walked to his house. Tinna followed him as she pulled her hat over her yellow feather. When they got to the house, it was warm against their cold bodies. Rin Jass put the firewood by the fireplace as he took off his hat and gloves.
" Hey Tinna, could you please make your hot hazelnut mint tea for me, please?" Rin Jass asked as he sat down on the couch. Tinna sighed then walked to the kitchen to make the tea.
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door with a squeaking voice behind it. Rin Jass got up and answered it but before he could, a mouse ran into him knocking him over. It was Ecka, a blue-green mouse with almond colored eyes and one of Rin Jass's friends.
As Rin Jass and Ecka got up, Ecka looked almost scared and nervous. He was shaking as Rin Jass lead him up the stairs while Tinna came out of the kitchen with a platter of steaming hazelnut mint tea. When the yellow goose saw the blue-green mouse, she knew she needed to make more tea and returned to the kitchen.
As Rin Jass sat Ecka down, the blue-green mouse stated to rush with words.
" Rin Jass... Christmas is canceled!! All I know is that, Santa might not be able to make it to Pebbletown since he sick or something!!! Everyone is wondering why and how they might get presents!!!! I'm nervous about it since I asked him for a new cheese cuter but I might not get it!" pleaded Ecka as Rin Jass calmed him down.
Tinna came out of the kitchen with three hot hazelnut mint teas as she sits down on a chair across the raccoon and the mouse. She sipped her tea as she overheard Rin Jass and Ecka's conversation about what happen.
" What do you mean Christmas is canceled?" Rin Jass asked
" I mean Christmas is not going happen since Santa is not feeling well or something. I heard it from Wagnet Worm who heard it from Randi Robin."
" But if Christmas is canceled, how will everyone get present?" Rin Jass sipped his tea as Tinna spoke.
" Why don't we saved Christmas?" suggested Tinna as Rin Jass and Ecka gave her confusing looks. " I mean we are normal animals like the reindeers of Santa's sled and they fly across the world, so why don't we save Christmas?"
Rin Jass nodded while Ecka took a sip out of his tea. " What happens if some of us can't fly like me and Ecka? Will you fly us or would we need to fly there on a plane? That's my question for this trip if we go."
Tinna nodded as Ecka noted that it would be easier for Tinna to fly while they drive to the North Pole. Many of them agreed but only Tinna seemed confused.
" What were to happen if you guys can't drive to the North Pole and I have to do by myself?" Tinna asked as she sipped her tea. Rin Jass nodded and sighed then got up to put his tea cup away.
When he got back, Tinna and Ecka stood up smiled at each other.
" We thought of an amazing idea for the trip to save Christmas; Ecka with fly on my back while you ride in your car then we help save Christmas." Rin Jass nodded and grinned.
Later, Ecka and Tinna and Rin Jass were saving Christmas for the world.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
gonna review this like its any other piece and disregard the written when you were ten for the sake of reviewing. Also i really want the review so i can get a star.
I feel like adding cold before December couldn't hurt
you need a noun there, what did the wind whip?
take out the first comma in that
need to know what this is.
not inquired, stated.
This. This is the greatest line I have ever read. It is hilarious. +500 kudos to you.
started, not stated.
since he's sick or something!!!
tense problem here.
about what happened. or about what had happened. And, if you are feeling lucky(Google reference) about what had transpired.
OK. I really like your, (what was it, ten year old self's?) names and wording these are amazing names. +500 more kudos.
I have to do it. or this.
OK. Now I'm a huge fan of your earlier writing. This line is amazing.
Hi, WaffleQueen! Well I thought this was pretty good considering you wrote it when you were ten. I feel like I probably wasn't that good at writing when I was ten, so props for that.
Most of the problems in this story were grammatical. You have weird spaces between your quotation marks and the actual dialogue that shouldn't be there, for example. You also misuse your speaking verbs a few times. Here are some examples:
The comma here should either be a separate sentence or a semicolon because there are two complete sentences.
The word "inquired" is used when a character is asking a question, so this doesn't really make sense here.
Again, "pleaded" isn't the right word. Pleaded us usually used when someone is begging. Ecka is clearly upset but isn't pleading really.
Here's an example of where you have a weird space after your first quotation mark. Also "saved" should be "save."
This seems like a really rushed ending. I think this story is pretty cute. It makes a nice little Christmas story, but this last sentence isn't very strong or exciting. It feels odd and out of place. I'm sure you could think of something more interesting to end the story with. I also think it would be cool if you included some more description in the story. I would love to be able to see what the characters look like, see the settings, smell that delicious tea. Sensory details could really spice this up.
Overall, a cute story. It kind of comes off like a kid's story, but you were ten, so that makes sense, and also there's nothing wrong with writing kid's stories. Pretty good for a ten year old.
Happy writing!
-Masq
Hello, WaffleQueen!!!!! I must say this is an funny yet confusing tale, in my way.... you don't tell how they saved Santa or if they matterly saved Chirstmas? If you could be more detailed with that, it may show your true self in writing.
There are is a word used wrong in here... instead of "heard what happen" put " what happened", makes it sound present then past. \
Also this story has a good meaning to it, which I hope you could explain a little better, thanks. Anywho, I think this is a great story but needs a little twerks here and there.
CornTimber