There's a wet patch on aisle 49
There's a wet patch on aisle 49
All the red velvets are scared
They're gonna go into decline
I said I dreamt of a biscuit 9
The biscuit was a number 9
A somersaulting sodium nitrate
Yet also a hydroxide
I like to dance with a rogue toenail
I like to dance with a rogue toenail
I like to dance with the wrong go veil
Scarecrow boogie nights
I got a face of steel in the market
I got a face of steel in the glove compartment
It reeks of glamour with grammar
Why the hell are you in my apartment?
I like to dance with a rogue toenail
I like to dance with a rogue toenail
I like to dance with the wrong go veil
Scarecrow boogie nights
The eagle has landed in my coffee
And it smells like stale banoffee
In the greatest scheme of things
It really reeks of toffee
I like to dance with a rogue toenail
I like to dance with a rogue toenail
I like to dance with the wrong go veil
Scarecrow boogie nights
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hey, BirthdayHangman! Artemis28 here to review. Team Tardis for the win!
So, let's begin. This song was soooo random. I couldn't find any meaning, nothing I could see. You were really discursive, bouncing around from topic to topic. Toenails... eagles... coffee... veils... I don't know what you're trying to do, but for some reason, it's cool.
It was really humorous, in that sort of way that you kind of don't know what you're typing but you're doing it anyway. I would like to know why you decided to do that type of style, though... did you feel random? Did you feel crazy at some point? I liked this song, though. Good job and keep writing, Hangman!
-Artemis28, member of Team Tardis
There are tears in my eyes. Are there supposed to be tears in my eyes? I feel like you meant for this song to be comical and I never stopped laughing throughout the whole thing.
Or, maybe you already have- I'll have to take a look at your portfolio.
"A somersaulting sodium nitrate
Yet also a hydroxide"
This is when I started laughing and then I never stopped!
"I got a face of steel in the market
I got a face of steel in the glove compartment
It reeks of glamour with grammar
Why the hell are you in my apartment?"
I love this whole chunk! It's so hysterical!
"The eagle has landed in my coffee
And it smells like stale banoffee
In the greatest scheme of things
It really reeks of toffee"
Now this is where it starts to get a little cheesy. If utter cheesiness was your intention, leave it be. If you wanted a tad bit less corny effect, I'd change this stanza/verse up a bit.
"Scarecrow boogie nights!"
God, I laughed so hard, I cried. Brilliant. Keep writing songs and little do-das like this, it's so entertaining and refreshing. I bet if you put your mind to it, you could write some decent poetry
Anyway, what an interesting piece. This made my day, and I loved it!
Happy writing!
Kali Lennon
Hello, steampowered here for a review! I still don’t really know what to make of your work, but I have to say I found it quite catchy (in that I starting singing these lyrics to some weird, repetitive chant-like tune and then couldn’t stop) It’s definitely a happy song, I may as well say that. You obviously have a lot of enthusiasm for what you write, and while it might not make a lot of sense to other people it’s definitely unique. I rather like it!
If this is supposed to be the lyrics to a modern-style song, I’d have expected them to be longer. Unless of course you have a lot of instrumental (which makes me wonder; do you have a tune for this in mind or do you just write the lyrics?) If your verses (are they called verses in modern music? Whatever they’re called) are interspersed with a lot of instrumental music, maybe you could put [instrumental section] or something in between the verses. Just an idea though.
I’m going to assume that the “I like to dance with a rogue toenail” is the chorus, so maybe you should indicate somewhere that it’s the chorus. Again, just an idea.
Just wondering, but how on earth did you manage to get the big spaces separating verses out? I don’t have any idea how to do that, and have to rely on full stops or other punctuation so that YWS doesn’t bunch it all together.
Erm, I think that’s all I have to say about this, actually. The title’s really creative, the lyrics are kind of… interesting and endearingly nonsensical, and I’d like to read more of what you post on YWS. Keep writing!