Aradia sat on the very edge of her bed, her laptop perched on her lap. She was fully dressed, even though the grandfather clock in the corner read nearly 2:00 A.M.
She jumped when the pesterchum notification went off, and Vriska's symbol invaded the corner of her screen.
Aradia narrowed her eyes and reluctantly clicked on the icon.
AG: Might want to check outside. Lover boy's got a few words for you.
She wrinkled her eyebrows in confusion.
AA: What do you mean?
AG: I mean that your lovestruck boyfriend is waiting for you.
AA: That's impossible. He just told me he was busy tonight.
AG: Think again.
Aradia paused. Then, surrendering to the hopeful flutters in her heart, set her laptop aside and got up to look out the window.
There, in the middle of the road, walking slowly towards her house, was Sollux. She couldn't stop the smile that spread across her face. She bolted down the stairs and out the door, not even bothering to shut the door.
"Sollux! Hey!" She called.
She got no response, but he was getting closer now. She could see that his eyes had taken on a distant look, and were slightly bloodshot.
"Sollux?"
He was even closer. He walked with a steady step, his eyes narrowed. It took a while for Aradia to place the look that he had about him. She had seen it before.
Then it hit her.
She was six years old, tears were streaming down her face.That night the storm was raging and she was hiding in the corner of her kitchen, under her bird's cage, watching the violence unfold before her as her parents fought in vain to protect her.
Sollux was here to kill.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
Hey, you should change the genre from teen fiction/romance to romance/horror. I did enjoy the uniqueness of this story. It was a massive plot twist IN THE FIRST CHAPTER! Ahah x
Curious premise. It started out as a teen rom-com in nature, then turned into some paranormal killer-on-the-lose sort of thing. As I prefer scary to romantic, the continuation of this perhaps will hold my interest.
Now, you did some good stuff here. You got started with action and you seem to have a good grasp on the English language. Stakes were raised. The MC may or may not be murdered like her parents by her boyfriend. The world building seems intriguing. Two people are instant messaging each other and that dialogue seems normal, but something about everything else seems off. Especially the names.
There were quite a few problems though. First off? Prologues are sort of last season's thing. Admittedly, you can get away with them if you use them right. There's a lot of books--even very popular books--that have them. However, prologues can be easily messed up. For example, this was short, I was told a lot of things, and I don't feel much for the characters yet. Sure, I have questions, but that's about it.
Speaking of, this is too fast paced. There's no detail. I'm not saying you have to explain everything, but set the scene. Try to show some emotion in the characters. There should be more suspense. It opens with something harmless and quickly changes to potential murder. A better transition might be good.
Basically, starting with action is good. But we should automatically start rooting for the character. Insofar, I'm not sure if I want the protagonist to survive or Sollux to kill her.
My two cents. Take with a grain of salt.
Keep writing,
Cas
Okay, this was well done.
1. You might want to put the online conversation between Vriska and Aradia in Italics.
Should Be:
The story was very graphical, which was good, we were able to see the pictures you tried to paint for us during the story.
Very Good!
I noticed some grammatical errors that you may want to check out.
One more thing, before you can become a well established author you need to be able to figure out your mistakes on your own and fix them. I am not much of a full expert at writing but I try to figure out my own mistakes, it helps in the future.
Try and figure out what's wrong with this line:
If you find something wrong, fix it. However, if you do not find something wrong, leave it.
This is a very good piece. If I was to rate this out of 10, 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest you deserve a 9/10- Excellent!
Post the first chapter on my wall when you are finished, it seems like an interesting story.
Thank you so much! I'll try and remember to