-The ways my mind works- Alberto
I have a reason to believe,
That you have lost these things,
The way you felt for me so long ago.
Each way I find myself screaming,
Becoming the person I feared,
Inside my haunted dreams,
Bleeding from my hands,
Seeing your gone a other time,
Words can't explain,
The way I felt.
I have a reason to believe,
That you have lost your fears,
That I become a thing,
Just for sale,
Tomorrow's clearance,
Tomorrow's ways are dead,
How do I become,
The light for myself.
Hear the beat of the drum,
Hear the echoes off the walls,
WAIT!
I lost the truth,
The way you held my tight,
Times have never been so... fail.
Is all I hear in my head,
Its the fear of destruction.
How I know you are so far away from me,
How I don't write a thing for me,
Its all for you.
I want to dance upon my own grave,
Throwing rose pedals in the rain,
As god says,
"Do you know. I'm afraid,
I am lost and alone.
Wearing darker shades the black,
To see you away."
How do you cure?
How do you cure this?
How does anything live without you.
How does breathing become a task to think of.
How do I write your memories inside my head,
If you always scream here,
Telling me that I'm nothing,
Still I love you!
Still I write for you!
Still I believe.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey! It's a nice start and like jMin said..it actually is pretty emotionally intense. There were some grammar errors and lines that were out of place...at least to me.
I'm not 100% sure, but the rhythm was different....if YOU wanted a certain rhythm. If you didn't it's obviously fine.
This line actually fits pretty well, but I--personally-- wouldn't use the word tomorrow 2 times like you did.
This is my favorite line. I'm not exactly sure why...I do this in other comments too. I tell the writer what line is my favorite...yet I don't seem to know why. I'm kinda frustrated with myself for that. In my head I can hear a nice steady beat and can see someone's hands....uhm...drumming on it. haha but yeah.
Did you mean "me" instead of "my". You probably did, and it was just a typing error...maybe.
Just watch your commas and know where to put the periods.
Overall this is a very good start and has a nice feeling to it. There's some potential here.
Good work, Keep Writing!
_______________________
_horsez919
Hey, Vow_of_Silence!
Hmm. I liked the atmosphere and the emotion in this poem, but I feel you have a lot of punctuation problems. It also kind of disturbed me that the stanzas aren't equal, the sturcture is a bit random, if you know what I mean.
By punctuation problems I mean that you use very much of commas, for example, in places where they shouldn't be.
These are the parts where you need to delete the commas.
This stanza is a little random and vague. Read it out loud. Does it flow well to you? Is there anything you could change about it? Also, you need an apostrophe in the "its".
Do you mean any god or some certain one? If it's the latter, I think you should capitalize it.
The emotion is great, the structure is not. But as jMin said, it's a good start.
See you around!
Demeter xx
Wow, this is emotionally intense. This is probably the best "lament for one's lost love" poem I've ever read. You have good style and your imagery is good, but there's some things that you should look at:
This is a great start. Keep writing!