Young Writers Society

Hey! It's a nice start and like jMin said..it actually is pretty emotionally intense. There were some grammar errors and lines that were out of place...at least to me.

I'm not 100% sure, but the rhythm was different....if YOU wanted a certain rhythm. If you didn't it's obviously fine.

Tomorrow's clearance. or ;
Tomorrow's ways are dead

Hear the beat of the drum,
Hear the echoes off the walls.

The way you held my tight

Hey, Vow_of_Silence!

Hmm. I liked the atmosphere and the emotion in this poem, but I feel you have a lot of punctuation problems. It also kind of disturbed me that the stanzas aren't equal, the sturcture is a bit random, if you know what I mean.

By punctuation problems I mean that you use very much of commas, for example, in places where they shouldn't be.

I have a reason to believe,

That you have lost these things

Words can't explain,

The way I felt.

That I become a thing,

Just for sale

How do I become,

The light for myself.

How I know you are so far away from me,

How I don't write a thing for me,

Its all for you.

As god says,

Wow, this is emotionally intense. This is probably the best "lament for one's lost love" poem I've ever read. You have good style and your imagery is good, but there's some things that you should look at:

I have a reason to believe (no comma, this is one whole idea)
That you have lost these things,
The way you felt for me so long ago.

Each way I find myself screaming,
Becoming the person I feared,
Inside my haunted dreams,
Bleeding from my hands,
Seeing you're gone another time,
Words can't explain (no comma)
The way I feel (don't switch around the tense).

I have a reason to believe (no comma)
That you have lost your fears,
That I became (tense trouble) a thing (no comma)
Just for sale,
Tomorrow's clearance. or ;
Tomorrow's ways are dead; or .
How do I become (no comma)
The light for myself.

Hear the beat of the drum,
Hear the echoes off the walls.
WAIT!
I lost the truth,
The way you held me tight. or ;
Times have never been so ... (MLA rule: spaces between ellipses and everything around it) fail (do you mean, "frail"?)
Is all I hear in my head, (; might be more appropriate)
It's the fear of destruction.

How I know you are so far away from me,
How I don't write a thing for me,
It's all for you. (The "how"s make this stanza sound a bit weird / not make sense)

I want to dance upon my own grave,
Throwing rose pedals in the rain,
As god says,
"Do you know? I'm afraid,
I am lost and alone.
Wearing darker shades the black, (doesn't make sense)
To see you away."

How do you cure? (Incomplete sentence)
How do you cure this?
How does anything live without you?
How does breathing become a task to think of? (awkward sentence)
How do I write your memories (write memories? I understand what you meant, but is there be a better word?) inside my head (no comma)
If you always scream here,
Telling me that I'm nothing.

Still I love you!
Still I write for you!
Still I believe. (I think this should be its own stanza)